The moon is beautiful, isn't it?

12AM. Angelic, ethereal, eloquent, the moon gleams, the sky so clear you can see every crater. Millions of stars scintillate. I’m engulfed in the beauty of it all as I sit and gaze through my window, this is becoming quite the routine; every now and then I open my mouth and speak my feelings. Who else am I meant to talk to? It sounds insane but part of me believes that you’re one of the millions of stars in the sky, that you’re out there listening to my every word. It’s comforting. My heart yearns for you, for your touch, your scent, your forgiveness, everything about you is ingrained in my mind.

 Our memories replay in my head like a tape on repeat. In particular that one night, the night that would change my life forever- and not in a good way. I remember it so distinctly; you had texted me beforehand announcing that you desperately needed to talk to me. As you approached me timidly, I couldn’t help but observe your tear-stained cheeks, your eyes were puffy and red as though you’d been sobbing for hours on end. You tried to speak but your voice was hoarse, it took you a while to get your words out. I sat apprehensively waiting for you to speak. Eventually, you confided in me, expressing how your mind was a wreck. You explained that you didn’t know how much longer you’d be able to fight the battle in your head. I dismissed your obvious pain, telling you how everyone goes through things. Maybe it wasn’t what I said but the way I said it. That same night your mom called me shaken up and in distress. When I heard the news, I bawled my eyes out for days as I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my self-absorbed actions that caused you to end your life. 

 I glance at the moon again and whisper, “I never intended for that to happen,” I blink quickly and turn away, I try to conceal the tears brimming in my eyes, but I feel my cheeks start to become wet. It isn’t long before the painful memories return, although it’s been 5 years it’s still clear as day in my mind. I reminisce about what I said, what I should have said. I look back at the sky in hopes that you’re listening, “you must forgive me, you must! I was young and dumb; I had no idea that that would be the outcome! Believe me please,” I beg. I should have comforted you; I should have been there, I should have let you cry on my shoulder, but instead I turned you away and made you feel alone. I was so entoiled in my own problems that I didn’t pay attention to yours, my own best friend, my platonic soulmate, someone I referred to as my sister. If I would have just embraced you and told you everything would be okay, if I would have just spoken to you in a sweeter tone, if I would have just made you understand that you were never alone, that you had me to rely on, then maybe, just maybe, you’d still be here with me right now. 

The moon glimmers in all her glory, I look up once more and this time my mind travels to a place where everything is peaceful. I visualise my future with you, it’s your wedding day. You look alluring in your snow-white silk dress. I can’t take my eyes off you, you’re angelic, heavenly, seraphic. Your face illuminates and I beam at you, I can’t contain my excitement and I squeal with delight. This is your day. I watch you observe yourself in the mirror as my head floods with thoughts- I’m so proud of you. You, more than anyone, deserves to be happy, you deserve to be loved and cared for by a good man. Someone who will show you just how much this world needs you, someone who will remind you every single day how appreciated you are, someone who will prioritise you and give you unconditional love and affection. You deserve everything good in life. 

Just like that my eyes start to leak uncontrollably, I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my now red-tinted face, I wish time travelling was a thing because believe me I would go back in time and tell you how much this world needs you, how much I need you. The pain I feel is like torture, I am in constant misery from grieving you Amani, it’s like 100 knives are impaling my heart every second of every day and I can’t help but hold full responsibility. Regret eternally deluges my mind. I can’t bear it anymore. I am living in permanent hell. Unhinged thoughts congest in my mind, and I know what I must do. I grab a pen and paper, my hand trembling impetuously and I begin to jot down everything that comes to mind,

‘To my parents, the light of my life, 

This won’t be long and by the time you read this I’ll no longer be with you. I am so incredibly sorry for this. I don’t want you to mourn me, I want you to be happy that I am now at peace. For years I have suffered, more than you know, everyone always says that time heals all but unfortunately for me that was not the case. See I’ve been in misery for a long time, hoping and praying every single day that the pain would just end, but it never did. Every day I woke up and I was greeted by agony. Its like the emotional pain manifested into physical pain, I felt the grief in my whole body, and I have been suffering every day. I just wanted it to end. I just want to be with Amani again. Don’t grieve me please, celebrate my life and remember all our good memories. Know that I love you with my whole entire heart and soul and I hope you forgive me, please. I never wanted to put you through any pain so don’t cry for me. Smile. Be happy. Know that I gave it all I could, but my time here got cut short. Don’t worry, I’m at peace now. Finally. 

I love you always, Zahra.    

My whole-body tremors brutally and I take a deep breath. I make my way into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror; my face bright red, my eyelashes soaked with tears, my cheeks are stained, and snot runs down my nose, I wipe my nose with my sleeve and open the cabinet. It won’t be long now. I’ll be with you soon Amani.