autumn

My favorite part of campus was the cobblestone walkway lined with large trees that had ever so graciously provided shelter from the dreadful California heat of summer during the entirety of my four years.  On that day, I noticed that their lush green leaves were slowly turning to shades of red, orange, yellow, and brown.  They were scattered on the path, and one in particular had caught my eye.  It was such a perfect autumn leaf.  All the colors in a beautiful gradient across the sugar maple.  I snapped an exuberance of photos and placed it back for someone else to find and take delight in.  Before I could stand up, somebody pulled on my backpack, causing me to fall back.

“Joshua!” I yell and turn back to look at him.  “Seriously?”

“How do you know it was me?” He holds up his arms and backs away, stifling his laugh.

“Who else could it be?” I motion around us, not a single person within a reasonable radius.

He laughs, “Good point.”

He helped me up and I gave him a well-deserved hit on the shoulder before dusting off my jeans and hands.

It didn’t seem to have hurt him much because he goes on teasing me as we walk.  “Honestly, you should have seen your face!”

I shake my head, unable to hide my smile, “What are you even doing here?”

“Didn’t you miss me?”

“No.”

“Ouch.”

“Don’t you have class?”

“What class?”

I rolled my eyes, “Honestly, Josh!”

“I’ll be late anyway.  Plus, I’m ahead.”

“Whatever you say.” I sigh.  “You didn’t answer my question, by the way.  Why are you here?”

“To see you.” He answers.

To my annoyance, I felt my heart skip a beat.  He means nothing by it.  He never does.

“To see me?” I laugh, looking away as I feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

Josh stops walking and grabs my wrist, looking at me dead in the eye.  “I’m serious.”

My breath caught.  I swear my heart stopped for a second.  Even my brain stopped working, unable to process anything.  It was like I was frozen, as if time had stopped.

“We need to talk.” His voice snapped me out of my trance.

“Oh, y-yeah.  Sure.” I stammer, mentally hitting myself for stuttering.  “About what?”

“I just… I need to clear up some things.” He drops my wrist and runs his hand through his hair, a habit of his, I’ve noticed.  “Can you spare some time?”

I still had fifteen minutes before my class started.  “Yeah.”

I remember the way he stood just a few inches away from me.  The way his mouth opened to speak, then closed again.  How his eyes weren’t able to meet mine.  I had never seen him this way, and I was quite amused.  I wondered, for a split second, if this was really the Josh I knew.  Confident.  Loud, sometimes obnoxiously.  Funny without even trying.  Popular.  Surprisingly very intelligent.  And here he was, nervous.  The combination was unheard of.

“I like you.” He blurts out.  Ah, there was the straightforward Josh I knew.

What did he say?  After what seemed like forever, my mind pieces together his confession, leaving me dumbfounded.  I’m sure I had the shock written all over my face.

“I’ve liked you for a while.” He continues.  “Sorry, I just had to get it off my chest.  And I know Steph—”

“Steph,” I breathe.

Oh.  My.  God.  Steph.  I can’t do this to her.  She’s absolutely in love with him.  She tells me about him all the time.  When she speaks, it’s always something related to him.  God, she was so excited the past week, convinced they had gotten closer.  

“Yeah.  Steph…” Josh repeats.  “But, if you like me, I’m over her.  I like you way more.  Do… Do you like me back?”

I feel like screaming.  Out of frustration.  Exasperation.  Sadness.  I had dreamt of this moment.  Fantasized this moment.  He would confess, and I would reciprocate, and we would start dating.  Of course, I knew it was ridiculous.  So, I’ve never thought of it in real-life.  In this version, my best friend since Kindergarten liked the same boy as me.  I can’t even be mad at her.  She didn’t know because I had kept it a deep secret.  She likes him.  And so do you, my subconscious adds.  And she talks about him with such joy in her eyes.  I can’t ruin that for her.  But he likes you, not her.  That’s right.  He doesn’t like her, he likes me, something I had never even dreamt of.  No!  I shake my head.  I can’t.

“I… don’t.” I whisper.  I hate myself.

Josh looks taken aback and… heartbroken.  No, I’m giving myself too much credit.  

“Okay…” he looks deflated.

“Steph’s really great.” I add.  

“Not as great…” he mutters.

“Class starts in five minutes.  You know I like being early.” I ignore him and smile, quietly adding, “Good luck.”

I look down at the dry brown leaf that I noticed falling from the branch above.  I step on it before going on my way.  I’ve always liked the sound.  It gave me a spark of joy.  But this one didn’t crunch, which had always made me feel empty.

I wonder what would have happened if I had admitted my true feelings.  Would anything have changed?  Would the bride standing at the altar be me?  I’m getting ahead of myself.

“And now for the speech from the maid of honor.”

I shake the nonsense out of my head and make my way to the stage, giving the bride a smile and the groom a polite nod.

“I just want to start by saying,” I look at the bride and groom and give them a warm smile.  Even I can’t tell whether it’s fake or not.  “Steph, Josh.  I knew you two were destined for each other.”

——What could’ve been, would’ve been, What should’ve been you

“You look absolutely stunning.” Steph compliments, brushing the hair out of my face and making sure the veil is centered.  “Okay, one last fluff before I go.” Steph grabbed the train of my dress for the hundredth time today and perfectly arranged it to trail behind me.  She steps back, frowns and comes forward to fix something up.

“Steph, you’re such a perfectionist,” I laugh.

“Am not.  I’m just making sure you look double amazing.” Steph states and inspects my makeup.  “Okay, I think that’s it.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank me after your wedding photos come out.” She gives me a light hug, makes final adjustments, hugs her daughter, and leaves.

“You ready?” I ask my flower girl.

“Yeah!” Steph’s daughter nods.  “Are you?”

“Sure am.”

I take a deep breath, calming my nerves.  The staff pulls open the large doors and Lily walks forward, receiving bright smiles and compliments of how cute she is.  My dad gives me a pat, and I turn onto the aisle.  I can feel all the eyes on me, making me very self-conscious.  After the longest walk of my life, my dad gives my to-be husband a hearty pat and handshake and takes his seat.

“You’re gorgeous,” he says into my ear, and I blush.

The adrenaline of getting married helped me stay awake during the priest's long passage of love.  It was beautiful, but I just couldn’t pay attention.

“Do you Joshua Park, take Ashley Cho to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

“I do.”

“Do you Ashley Cho, take Joshua Park to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

I can’t suppress my happiness and practically squeal.  “I do.”