Remembrance Through The Lens

It had turned into a nightly ritual for Dave. He couldn’t go to sleep without seeing her face. He needed to see her smile. Her blond hair. Her rose-tinted cheeks. Those green eyes that could get your heart rate pumping just by looking at you.

He lay in bed scrolling through her Instagram profile on his iPhone. It didn’t matter that she was married now and had two toddlers, a boy and a girl. He pined to see her photo, to revive the memories they had together. Looking at her smiling face, his thumb was ready to press the button to send a message, but thinking better of it. She’s happier now. Why should he bother her with his inability to let go of the past? Why couldn’t he move on? The phone pinged with a notification from the dating app, Hinge. Dave ignored it as his muscles relaxed. The girl from the Hinge notification wasn’t her and he still had her on his mind.

Dave’s eyes felt heavy and he fell asleep remembering his history with her.

Dave remembered August 13, 2007. The first day of his junior year in high school. The first class of the year. He had just taken a seat on the middle of the far left column in his United States History class. Class was about to start when she came in. Dave’s friend group unfortunately was placed in the Physics class at the same time and, alas, he was not a member of the cliques that had formed in the class. No one sat next to him. At least not until a blonde-haired girl plopped down in the seat next to him.

“Made it just in time!” the girl exclaimed breathlessly, almost as if the statement was a matter of impulse more than a conscious thought. Dave took a quick look at her, wondering how she could have made the run to class in her rose-patterned blouse. “I’m Sara,” the girl quipped, sticking her hand out for Dave to shake.

“I’m…Dave,” Dave sheepishly replied, unsure of whether she was talking to him or if there was one of the popular guys behind him. Girls rarely talked to him unless the girl made a bet with her friends to approach him. Its not that Dave lacked hygiene. But the high school caste system apparently prevented women from communicating with a guy who regularly wore t-shirts based on book covers from Isaac Asimov’s classic sci-fi “Foundation” series. But Dave also reciprocated the silence between him and women. He knew if he attempted to break the caste system, only rejection lay.

Dave then turned to return the hand shake. She was looking right at him and that’s when he truly noticed her beauty. His heart was beating faster and his face became flush red. In his eyes, she was the prettiest girl he had ever seen.

“I just moved here to LA from Tennessee, so I’m hoping to make some friends.” Sara spoke softly and looked at Dave’s t-shirt, “Please tell me you’ve read the Dune books too!”

“I will be your friend!” Dave meekly stated to her, forcing the words out as they were being constricted by his nerves. The teacher then began the class.

Dave remembered that fall. Sara and he were in a study group together at Dave’s house with a couple of Dave’s friends who he had long since lost contact with. She would often stay later than the friends and they could spend hours talking about minutiae in topics like Doctor Who, Star Trek, Stargate, Monty Python, and the like. They would also talk about their personal lives. Her feeling neglected as her father was a single dad constantly working to make ends meet. His fear of graduating because he had no idea what was next.

Dave remembered October 27, 2007. That was another night after study group where Sara stayed late. He had managed to snap a Nintendo Wii from an Ebay reseller and was playing baseball on the Wii Sports game with her. After he had won a game by a score of 8-6, she paused the game and plopped down on the living room couch. Dave sat down next too her. She reached over and grabbed his hand with hers. She then lay her head on his shoulder. Dave, shocked, looked at her and their eyes met. They both smiled. Without a word, he leaned in and kissed her. Their lips met right as he was placing his arm around her. It was a moment he had been waiting for since he first met in that classroom, but he never would have guessed she reciprocated any of those thoughts.

Dave remembered the dates throughout remainder of the high school career. He remembered his relationship with Sara growing stronger. Throughout the year, Sara and Dave were practically inseparable. They were hopeful for a bright future together. He remembered the expensive dinners in Beverly Hills to the date nights at In N Out Burger. He remembered the weekends they just laid on his couch playing Halo 3. He remembered the time he went down to Comic-Con with her, cosplaying as a character from the Dragonball Z anime franchise. He remembered going to Coachella with her and accidentally drinking a Pepsi that made him see through time and space- or at least Sara told him it was a Pepsi; he doesn’t remember much about that concert. He remembered losing his virginity to her and the subsequent apologizing and constantly needing to be reassured that he was adequate for her that night. He remembered the time they were making love at her house while her dad was away at a weekend-long real estate investment conference in New York-or so they thought; it turns out the investment conference was the weekend after and her dad was just out late at a classic car show. Dave assumed Sara’s dad heard nothing because he still has all his limbs in place. One of Dave’s favorite memories was the day after their first kiss, at the school, the shock of all the classmates at seeing him hold hands with a girl. Well, not everyone was shocked. It turns out that the study group friends were placing bets on when the two would finally become officially dating.

The two became so close, they even had a pact where they would go to the same college together. Their college choice was to be determined by what schools they both got accepted to. The school of choice became Vanderbilt University. Both obtained acceptance to the prestigious university. Sara even obtained a scholarship to the university. Sara had intended to study pharmaceutical sciences while Dave still was not sure what he really wanted to do.

However, Dave figured out what he wanted to do in early 2009. Sara and he were watching the classic film Singing in the Rain and a dash of divine inspiration covered Dave. It wasn’t the musical portions that captured Dave’s imagination. It was the film-making aspect of the movie that inspired Dave. He had always loved film, but the magic of cinema and the history of cinema was truly captured in that film for Dave. He had a new love now.

Dave remembered tapping into the savings account to obtain video equipment. He had not gotten a scholarship, so at Vanderbilt was out of the question. But he remembered how shockingly easy it was to make the decision to forget Vanderbilt. When one is driven by a passion for a hobby, one tends to forget the rest of the world around them and be controlled by where the passion leads them.

Sara had no such options. She couldn’t afford college and couldn’t have parental help: her dad lost his pension in the recession the year before and was facing foreclosure on his home. It was likely that even if she desired to stay, she would be forced to move. By the time Dave had his awakening, she had already accepted the Vanderbilt offer and it was too late to accept elsewhere.

Dave remembered Sara yelling at him and sobbing for choosing his new passion over their being together in college. They didn’t break up that night, but it was clear a rift had developed. Sara now knew that he cared more for his new passion over her and those are the types of wounds that are impossible to fully mend and heal.

Dave remembered the thrill of creating his first video series, not so creatively titled An Edo Samurai in Modern Los Angeles, for that relatively new Youtube website. It was a comedic series involving him being a 17^th Century samurai in the stereotypical garb who was transported to modern day Los Angeles, inspired as a Japanophile twist on A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. While the video series was well-received at the time, Dave shudders at the thought of them and hopes that they are lost. The cringe-worthy production values make it feel like a local car commercial, not to mention the cultural appropriation issues associated with the videos.

Dave remembered the arduous, but enjoyable hours shooting the videos throughout that spring and summer. He remembered the late nights spent editing the videos. He was so busy with creating the videos, that he would see Sara only in class or maybe once a week outside of class. But whenever he saw Sara outside of class, he would only be working on getting the newest video in the series drafted. The once inseparable couple now barely see each other and even when they do, it was through a camera lens shaped wall.

Dave remembered the goodbye as Sara left for Vanderbilt on August 11, 2009. Sara had tears in here eyes as they hugged, but Dave said “Goodbye! See you soon! We will be in touch so much!” as a matter of course, but his mind was on writing a sketch for his new video in which the samurai would try eating at Pink’s Hotdogs with a sword.  As soon as she left, he got right to work on the video. He was already beginning to get some sponsors for his videos, so he needed to keep them happy to make a living.

Dave remembered that fall she would call, but he would regularly ignore the calls because he was busy editing the newest video as well as coming up with ideas for future videos. They would talk once every two weeks at most. Eventually, when he did get the inclination to call, she would invariably be busy studying or rushing the sorority. He sometimes had the “what if” thought of him being together and them studying for freshman classes when he called, but then his mind would wander to the next idea.

Dave remembered the call from Sara on October 18, 2009. He didn’t pick up the phone. He was writing a script for a video about the samurai protagonist trying to hike Runyon Canyon in full traditional garb, but outside of the silliness of this samurai passing by people in hiking shorts or passing a mid-morning outdoor yoga class, the script was not coming together in a way where it can be remotely described as humorous. After an hour, he saw he had a voicemail. He opened it up and heard Sara sobbing: “Hi Dave…I’m sorry…but, but…” she sighed “we need to be over. I need to move on. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t satisfy you anymore. I would say I’m second place in your life but I’m not even there anymore for you. You don’t even pick up when I call. I found someone else who…who treats me with some respect. Good luck with the films. Goodbye.”  Dave frantically called her back, but it was no avail. His number had been blocked. He tried to send her messages on Facebook and Myspace, only to find that those two had been blocked. She had exorcised him from her life.

Dave remembered the following month. He couldn’t bring himself to do the samurai videos anymore. That well had run dry and he wasn’t in the mood to do anything comedic. He still needed to make videos to make a living, but his creative output was shut off. Then he had an idea. He could take a road trip to Nashville to visit her and document it. Every stop he made, he would record and give a few factoids about the stop. He was going to see her again.

Dave made stops at several landmarks and restaurants along the way, each time filming a three-to-five minute video documenting the adventures. These videos tended to be very matter of fact and had little humor to them, unlike his earlier work. Yet, his fanbase, while hopeful for a return to form, was still popular enough that places would send him emails to cover them for his videos.

After over a week of driving, he finally arrived in Nashville. Coincidentally, he was driving down the street when he saw her walking down the sidewalk past some restaurants, presumably looking for lunch as it was shortly after noon. She was wearing the same floral pattern dress as the day he met her. But this time, she was with someone. She was holding hands with a man who looked to be built like a football player. She was visibly laughing, covering her mouth with the other hand in the delicate way that she would when he cracked a joke.

Dave smiled and moved on. She never saw him or talked to him, but she was happier with this new guy. She had found a new love the same way he did with film-making. He was beginning to neglect film-making the same way he neglected Sara when he found the new love. It wasn’t complete closure, but it was the best closure he was ever going to get.

Newly inspired to make actual films again, Dave set to work as soon as he got home. He created a more macabre Blue’s Clues parody filmed like a children’s show, but instead the characters were all chasing a serial killer who would leave a dog print as a calling card. However, after a couple of episodes, the show was never completed. Due to his work on the samurai videos a year before, the film school for the University of Southern California had reached out to him with a scholarship. He instinctively dialed Sara with the news, only to be brought back to reality with the dial tone.

Dave remembered March 2017. At that time, he won the Best Independent Drama award from the Los Angeles Critics’ Film Association for a drama called Long Distance about a relationship that falls apart when the protagonists end up living in different countries. Even after all these years, Sara was still his muse and he had not seriously dated a woman since then. At the ceremony, he looked out to the audience, hoping she was cheering him on. After the ceremony, he was waiting for a text or a call that never came.

Dave’s mind now flashed back to the present. Tomorrow is the Academy Awards and he was nominated for Best Director. His film, Bubble Pop, is about a single dad who lost all his finances in the 2008 recession and his teenage daughter. Even after a decade, Sara was still his muse. Dave wondered if Sara would see the movie. But even the night before he could possibly receive the pinnacle achievement he could receive in his career, all could think about is Sara. Maybe she will give him a call or text tomorrow. Just maybe.