The Stranger Within

Neil's still a no-show. Five days, I've kept a vigil at the canteen, but it's all been for nothing. It's like he vanished, no trace, no word. Why did I ever pen that desperate letter? What was I thinking?

***

It all began with the new canteen owner and his crew. They seamlessly fit in with us students, making it easy to embrace them. But among this friendly group, Neil stood out to me. I couldn't help but notice him; his laughter, oh so charming, danced with the gentle sway of his Adam's apple. And his hair, perfectly dishevelled, held an irresistible allure in the whimsical embrace of the wind.

That's why I eagerly awaited recess—to experience his proximity. Sometimes, I didn't even feel hunger or thirst. I deliberately lingered just to catch sight of him. I had always tried to hide my feelings, afraid they would become too obvious.

But one day, something shifted within me. 

There I stood, clutching an envelope, unable to lift my gaze. Looking up felt like exposing the core of my soul, revealing my unsettling intentions. So, quietly, I integrated myself among the students forming a line towards the food section, following the steps of those ahead. Lost in my thoughts, I failed to notice I had reached the counter where he stood. Whether due to lasting shyness or severe nerves, I couldn't behave naturally.

"What's for today?" he smiled.

Anxiety held me captive, making my lips quiver in silence. Without a word, I handed him the container of Nasi Kuning and paid for it. Confusion flickered across his face as he noticed something unexpected among the cash. He glanced at the envelope, then at me, curiosity gleaming in his eyes. My heart pounded wildly, ready to burst from my chest. Nervous, I quickly spun around and fled into the distance, fearing that staying near him would unleash an overwhelming surge of emotions I couldn't handle.

***

And here I stand, in the very spot where I caught my breath on that fateful day, just after I handed him the letter. Back then, I felt foolish for my audacity, and now that foolishness remains, stronger than ever. I blame myself for my daring actions, feeling utterly worthless after his harsh rejection and disappearance. And this isn't a one-time thing. Even before Neil, there were others like Sam, the cashier at Sunshine Supermarket, and Raymond, the barista at Starbucks, who vanished when I revealed my feelings. 

Without a doubt, after the third harsh rejection, I am emotionally depleted. I can't concentrate on my studies, and I no longer feel adequate to connect with my male friends. I've formed the idea that I'm so undesirable that guys flee at the smallest hint.

"Maya, what’s wrong?" My friend Renee's voice startles me. Lost in the labyrinth of my own restless emotions, I've failed to notice how long she has been here.

I gaze at her concerned face and suddenly realise tears have been streaming down my cheeks. I'm unable to articulate my feelings, so I succumb to sobs.

Renee embraces me, soothingly stroking my back. Should I confide in her? No one else knows about the letter or my struggles with rejection. Should I reveal everything? I open my mouth, but the jumbled thoughts in my mind leave me unsure where to start. In the end, driven by unknown reasons, I simply say, "I wanna go home."

Though the reasons behind my words are unclear, they carry no deceit. I genuinely feel exhausted. I'm tired of classes, studying, and just existing. All I crave is to retreat to my bed and sleep away this heartache. Thankfully, Renee stands by my side, holding my hand as we head to the staffroom to find Cikgu Armand, our homeroom teacher. She's a true friend, and I'm grateful to have her. Eventually, I’ll confide everything in her, just not today.

I inform Cikgu Armand of my unwell state, and he swiftly grants me permission to depart. I must appear quite dishevelled for him to sympathise so readily.

After gathering my belongings, I bid farewell to Renee and step beyond the school gates. It's doubtful that Mom or Dad can fetch me this early. They both toil away at their jobs during these hours, and their workplaces are distant from the school. Therefore, I’ll make my way to the bus stop—the familiar one where I usually wait for Dad. I know precisely which bus will carry me homeward.

After what feels like an eternity, the bus arrives, and I drag myself up the staircase near the bus door. It unfolds like a colossal accordion, revealing a welcoming driver whom I lack the energy to acknowledge. I trudge towards an unoccupied seat, retrieve my phone, and send a text message to Dad. "No pickup 2day, Dad. Already home, not 100%," I type, briefly explaining my situation.

Dad's response arrives swiftly, a message filled with concern. "Alright. Take care. Get some rest." As the bus continues its journey, the outside world becomes a blur of passing cars, trees, and buildings. The constant motion proves too overwhelming, causing dizziness to wash over me. Seeking solace, I shut my eyes, surrendering to the soothing hum of the bus engine and the gentle breeze of the air conditioning.

***

I slowly open my eyes, glancing at the clock, only to be taken aback by the realisation that four hours have slipped away while I was in slumber. I was completely drained earlier, to the point where I didn't even realise when I stepped off the bus and flopped onto my bed, without even bothering to acknowledge that I was still fully dressed in my school uniform. 

The void that engulfs my mind and heart defies description. I remain motionless on the bed, my gaze fixated on the ceiling. I have no inclination to even glance at my phone. My parents are yet to return, and in this very moment, I desperately yearn for their reassuring aura. Even the sound of their voices would rekindle a sense of vitality and security within me.

I shift my position, rolling onto my side, and notice my knapsack lying nearby. Suddenly, an intense urge compels me to unzip it. Perhaps I should attempt studying, as the monthly exams loom next week. Or perhaps not. Can I even muster the focus? I find myself lost, unsure of what to do, and I despise myself for this uncertainty.

Alright, maybe studying can provide a temporary escape. Might as well give it a shot. I reach into my bag, grabbing whatever I can find. And then, my hand lands on a leather-bound book, throwing me off. I don't remember owning a leather-covered book. Intrigued, I pull it out, revealing a medium-sized brown leather journal. Clearly, it's not mine. How did it end up in my bag? Curiosity takes hold, urging me to uncover its mysteries. I open it, and the initial pages reveal random, melancholic poetry. As I read a few lines, it becomes clear that the author carries a deep affection for someone in close proximity, yet masks their feelings.

Whose diary is this?

I turn a few more pages, and suddenly, my heart races, my head spins, and my eyes widen in astonishment. There, inscribed with vibrant red ink, I read the words that electrified my soul: "NEIL. KOBUSAK!!!"

My hands shake as I flip through the pages, hoping for more clues, but the diary reveals nothing else. Kobusak. The name strikes a chord. It's one of the stops on the KK LRT line. What am I supposed to do? Messaging him is off the table. I lack his number, and while I do follow his seemingly dormant Twitter account, he has restricted other users from direct-messaging him. Should I go to Kobusak? No. Neil has been gone for five days. He must have written those words ages ago, slipping the diary into my bag without me knowing. What's the point of going to Kobusak now?

Should I confide in Renee? I glance at the clock and realise it's already 3:00 pm. She’s likely immersed in her music lesson at this moment. Perhaps I should reach out to her later, but wait—I suddenly recall it's Thursday. She has her Taekwondo class tonight. I inhale deeply, reassuring myself. It's alright, Maya. There’s still tomorrow.

A newfound determination surges within me, jolting me out of the vortex of self-pity and self-blame that has consumed me over the past five days. Stay safe, Neil. I’ll find you, no matter what.

***

"Be cautious," Dad warns as he pulls up to the designated drop-off point at my school. "Got your pepper spray?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, Dad."

"Stay alert. There's a luna—"

"Yes, Dad. You remind me every single day." I swing open the car door, eager to escape his lecture. My dad opens his mouth, still eager to continue his sentence from before. Yet, weary of his constant rant, I swiftly interject, "Love you, Dad," and shut the door, cutting him off.

I understand Dad's concern. There's been unsettling news lately. The police issued warnings about a lunatic on the loose, accountable for inflicting harm upon three individuals. It's chilling, no doubt. But I trust my school's safety, and I have Renee by my side. She's always flaunted her dad's loanshark boss status. One call to his muscle-bound henchmen can scare off anyone who messes with her or her buddies.

Thinking about Renee, I'm eager to meet her later and share every detail about the diary. Amidst all the turmoil about Neil going missing, there's something so captivating about him that I can't wait to tell Renee. He's an amazing poet, just like her, and his handwriting is so tidy it almost seems girlish. Since we're not in the same class, I'll have to wait until recess to reveal everything. This newfound sense of purpose has indeed given me a much-needed boost. 

***

As recess begins, disappointment floods over me, realising Renee isn't up for talking. Her silence hangs in the air, mingled with anger and restlessness. I know better than to pester her with questions when she's down; she'll open up when she's ready.

With a heavy heart, I keep my latest discovery about Neil's diary to myself. Instead, I concentrate on supporting Renee unwaveringly. She's always been there for me, so it's only fair to return the favour. The secret weighs on me, but I set it aside for now.

As the recess draws to a close, I gaze at Renee with gentle understanding. "I'm here whenever you're ready to talk," I whisper, hoping my words convey my support.

A soft smile graces Renee's face as she nods gently. "It's nothing, really. I know I'll find it soon."

I'm about to inquire further, curious about what she's searching for, but our attention is swiftly diverted by the sight of Miss Vee heading towards her classroom. A knowing look passes between us, recognizing her time constraint. Miss Vee has absolutely zero tolerance for tardiness. With a swift movement, Renee dashes off towards her classroom, leaving me to follow suit.

***

As Dad drops me off at home and swiftly drives away to his workplace, a surge of determination engulfs me. I can't quite predict what lies ahead, but an inexplicable force compels me to test my luck. Unable to reach Renee through a call, I hastily send her a text message: "Heading to Kobusak." Then, I log into my Twitter account and post the exact same words, desperately hoping that Neil will somehow stumble upon my tweet and join me at Kobusak, just as he had intended. I even muster the courage to mention him in my response. "@Neil23 CU & @RENEE_Jane," I type.

With newfound boldness, I stride towards the nearest LRT station and purchase a ticket. As expected during these bustling peak hours, the train is packed to the brim, leaving me no choice but to stand throughout the journey. 

Soon after, the voice over the speakers finally announces, "Next station, Kobusak." I won't deny it—nervousness tugs at my insides, causing me to question whether I'm making the right decision or not.

I navigate through the crowd of standing passengers, gently manoeuvring my way towards the train doors, brimming with anticipation. At long last, the train grinds to a halt, and the doors creak open, parting ways in opposite directions. Alongside fellow passengers, I step out onto the platform, ready to yield to the rhythm of the moment and let my instincts steer my next step.

I approach the turnstile, slipping in my ticket. Not far off, a series of metal benches are set. As I finally find solace on one of the seats, the gravity of my decision begins to sink in, and a tinge of foolishness tugs at my conscience. Peering at my phone, I discover a reply from Renee: "What u doing there? Ok. Coming." A slight smile escapes me as I type a response, divulging the location of my chosen bench. At least I won't face this unknown encounter alone.

As I sit here, I wonder about Neil's odd choice for a meet-up. Kobusak station, tucked away in the village, is usually eerily empty. There aren't any guards around, and the flickering lights overhead add to the strange vibe. And here's the thing that's really creeping me out - there aren't any security cameras. Not even one. Maybe it was fate that kept Neil's diary hidden from me. What sort of man plans to meet a teen girl in such a lonely place? 

Minutes trickle by, and the station remains desolate, save for the occasional passerby heading towards the nearby taxi station. The unease within me intensifies. Were it not for Renee's message, I'd have left this creepy place and headed home by now. Struggling to maintain composure, I stifle the shivers coursing through my body, anxiously awaiting Renee's arrival. Please, Renee, hurry.

***

As the train's clamorous chugging echoes through the air, my body springs to life, propelling me towards the turnstile. Amidst the small cluster of passengers, a familiar figure emerges, and an instant wave of comfort washes over me—Renee’s finally here. She swiftly inserts her ticket and approaches me, her face etched with panic. "What are you doing here?" she blurts out.

I launch into a rapid explanation about Neil's diary, but before I can even fathom her reaction, her complexion drains, leaving her as pale as a ghost. A sense of alarm tingles through me. Before I can inquire further, she grips my arms tightly, her voice strained, "Give me the diary!"

"Why?" I manage to muster.

"Now!" she insists.

Without question or protest, I relinquish the diary, my mind awash with bewilderment as to what could possibly have her so agitated.

"We've got to go!" she declares, her words devoid of explanation.

I don't dare challenge her or inquire about the matter at hand. Instead, I wordlessly trail behind her as she guides us towards the ticket machine, urgency threading through every step we take.

As we await the arrival of the train, mere minutes stretch into an eternity. Renee's restlessness and sheer panic remain inexplicably present, and I find myself at a loss, grappling with the mysterious turmoil that has gripped her so fiercely. In this bewildering moment, I can only wonder what has transpired, hoping that clarity will soon shed light on her distress.

Knowing our train might take a while, I gently reach for Neil's diary in Renee's hand. Surprisingly, she tightens her grip and clutches it close to her chest. "Renee, what's going on?" I ask, confused.

Then, it hits me.

Poetry. Feminine handwriting. Her words: “I’ll find it soon.” 

The diary isn't Neil's—it belongs to Renee. I might have slipped the diary in my knapsack in haste the day I left school early. Panic sets in as I remember her dad's henchmen. "Renee, what did you do to Neil?"

"Shut up!" she snaps.

Her poetry's allusion about having a romantic interest in someone resurfaces in my thoughts. "Renee!" I shout, my voice echoing through the empty platform. "Do you have feelings for Neil as well?"

Renee's eyes turn bloodshot, her body trembling with fury. "I said shut up!" she yells.

Without hesitation, I grab her shoulders and demand the truth. But she effortlessly pushes me away with her taekwondo skills, sending me crashing to the floor. I refuse to give up. I scramble to my feet.

Then, out of nowhere, her face twists with regret. She falters, her mouth opening and closing, searching for the perfect words. "I was only trying to shield you, Maya. You're such a flirt. I had my dad's henchmen rough those guys up, all for your sake."

Her words ignite fury within me. "You can't handle seeing me happy, right? How dare you?” I seethe.

"If you hadn't acted so desperate, I wouldn't have needed to," she retorts.

In that very moment, my face plunges into the sanctuary of my hands, and a tempest of sobs erupts from deep within. My soul spills out in those cascading tears, heedless of the train grinding to a stop and the hushed creak of sliding doors yielding their passage. I persist, an unyielding torrent of weeping, ceaseless and unabated.

Then, Renee reaches out to touch my shoulder. Consumed by anger, I instinctively brush her hand away.

"Maya," a voice calls out. It's a man's voice. Who is he, and what does he want?

I open my eyes and find Neil looking back at me, his arm in a sling and bruises on his eye and cheek.

"She’s not a true friend," he reassures me.

And then, I notice it: two police officers escorting Renee away, moving farther from the Kobusak station. Despite her obvious defeat, Renee gathers the strength to face me and yells, "You're missing the point, Maya. I didn't choose to be born like this. My love for you is deeper than you know."