From Cursed to Cuddled

Dear Court of the Supernatural,

Being a werewolf sucks! Well, at least it does for me.

Sure, there are a few obvious perks of being a human who can shapeshift into a K-9. For instance:

I can lick myself (yes, in that way).

I’m stronger when I shift.

My sense of smell is off the charts—I can find most things I’ve lost in my human form. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include things like my pride or dignity. Though considering how long it’s been since I had a date, I might have found my virginity again.

Aside from those minor bonuses, though, being a werewolf? Not so great.

Let’s talk cons.

First up, let’s talk about how I got this so-called curse in the first place. And no, it wasn’t a willing choice. I didn’t wish upon a star or make a deal with some sketchy figure in an alley. Nope. This curse was a birthday present, courtesy of my parents’ brilliant idea to take me on a camping trip for my seventh birthday.

It probably would have been a great idea, you know, marshmallows, ghost stories, and all that—except for the minor detail of it being a full moon. And, oh yeah, I got bit by a baby wolf that walked into the campsite. Yep, a baby wolf. Not even some majestic, terrifying creature of legend, but a puppy with sharp little teeth that nipped me just hard enough to break the skin.

And that’s all it took—one tiny bite, and BAM! Curse activated. Happy birthday to me. I didn’t even get cake.

Next, let's look into allergies. No, I’m not allergic to dogs—thank goodness, because I’d be on the brink of ending it all. But my mom is. So, for holidays, birthdays, and family reunions, guess who’s stuck outside? That's right—me. No coming inside to say hi, no treats, not even bathroom breaks. Last Christmas, it snowed all day. Where was I? Shivering in Dad’s shed, huddling up like some stray mutt just trying to stay warm.

And let’s not forget Tammy. Ah, Tammy from middle school—the one girl brave enough to send me a note, asking me to circle “yes” or “no” if I liked her. I circled "yes" so many times I practically punched a hole through the paper. But, as luck would have it, Tammy was allergic to dogs. So, yeah, that romance ended before it even began.

Now, on to another fun downside: hair products. If you’ve got long hair, you know the struggle. It’s not easy or cheap to keep your locks looking good, and when you’re a werewolf, you blow through shampoo and conditioner faster than anyone should. I swear, I keep my barber in business with how fast my hair grows. I’ve got a standing appointment every two weeks—it’s like a full-time job keeping myself groomed.

Continuing with the cons:

Food. Ah, food is a real problem. My human half and K-9 half don’t always agree on what's edible—or appropriate.

To clarify, my wolf side has no objections to what my human side wants to eat. It’s the other way around that’s the issue. I might be called a werewolf, but I’m more like a were-domesticated-house-dog. You wouldn’t believe how many mornings I’ve woken up to find an empty bag of Kibbles 'n Bits in my bed, with the taste still lingering in my mouth like some cheap night out.

And don’t get me started on the quantity of food I can eat in wolf form. It’s like my appetite has no limits. But the next day, when I’m back in human form, I pay for it tenfold. It’s like going out drinking with friends—everything seems fine until the morning, when you curse every decision you made.

Then there are the animals. I don’t know exactly what I’ve eaten, but I’m sure there have been squirrels, maybe an iguana or two. And recently, my neighbor asked if I’d seen her cat, Mr. Whiskers. She’s had him for seventeen years. I answered honestly: “Nope, haven’t seen him.” But later that night, I spent an hour in the bathroom, trying to pass Mr. Whiskers’ collar. Let’s just say it was an experience I’d rather not repeat.

And let’s not forget the one thing that truly kills me: chocolate. I love chocolate. But I can’t have it. The last time I tried? A complete disaster. It was a lesson I, and my K-9 self, learned the hard way.

Now, let’s move on to the topic of romance.

My dating life? Not exactly a howling success.

First, almost no one wants to date someone with dog breath. I’ve brushed my teeth for hours and yet—dog breath. It’s eternal.

And then there’s the whole “half-dog” situation. I have to make sure any, uh, intimate activities happen during daylight hours, or else someone’s in for a big surprise. And yes, I did say big—it's, well, quite large in my wolf form. But it doesn’t really matter how big it is if I never get to use it. So yeah, let’s call that a pro, with an asterisk.

Now, remember how I said almost no one wants to date someone like me? That’s not to say no one will. There are exceptions. Scary exceptions. Like this girl, Eliza, whom I met a while back. She insisted on only being intimate when the moon was full. She had some… uncomfortable requests. Let’s just say my wolf side isn’t exactly proud of some of the things we’ve done together.

And let’s not forget the ‘bleed-over’ effects.

Sometimes, little wolf traits sneak through when I’m in human form. For instance, the other day, I was sitting in the office, minding my own business, when someone walked by smelling really good. Before I knew it, I was leaning over to sniff her. My nose was basically in her waist area. She slapped me so hard that security asked if I wanted to press charges.

Obviously, I didn’t. I apologized, but she wasn’t having it. I’d like to say it was a one-time thing, but it wasn’t.

A month ago, I closed a huge deal for the company, and my boss took the top employees out to lunch. I was sitting next to him, listening to him sing my praises for five minutes straight. I couldn’t help it—I leaned over, hugged him, and licked his face. I thought I was going to get fired, but luckily, I’m good enough at my job that all he did was laugh. Still, I haven’t been invited to any more company lunches since.

Howling is another issue.

Every so often, when something exciting happens, I let out an uncontrollable howl. It’s happened during intimate moments, both with someone and, uh, by myself. I really hope my neighbors are clueless because if they ever put two and two together, they’re going to think I’m a complete freak.

And finally, work.

I’ve had to turn down a promotion three times. The position came with more money, better perks, and great benefits. So why did I refuse it? Simple—everyone has to spend two months working in the Alpha branch. Sounds fine, right? Well, the Alpha branch is in Alaska, and you can only work there in the winter, when the days are six and a half hours long. I don’t transform every night, but up there? I’d be more wolf than man. So, I’ve been forced to stay in my current position.

In conclusion: being a werewolf sucks. It’s definitely more trouble than it’s worth. Maybe it would’ve been cool in the Middle Ages or something, but in today’s world? Nope.

I’ve filled out all the proper forms and enclosed this letter in the hopes that you, the Court of the Supernatural, will find it in your hearts to remove this curse of being a werewolf.

Letter 2

Dear Court of the Supernatural,

It’s occurred to me that I may have acted a bit too hastily in my last letter. You know how it is—one bad full moon, and suddenly, you’re ready to give up everything. It turns out there are a few things I might like about being a werewolf.

And those things are… well… let me think… Hmm, okay, I’m not really sure what they are. Actually, the truth is, I met someone, and she seems to like me just the way I am, fur and all.

It was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. I was at the post office, dropping off my letter to you, feeling all mopey and sorry for myself, when I noticed her. She was standing there, envelope in hand, sniffing the air in my general direction. At first, I thought she might’ve dropped something, but nope—it turns out she was sniffing me.

And get this—she’s a werewolf, too! Who would've thought I'd meet someone like me in line at the post office, right? Not exactly the place you expect to find love, but hey, stranger things have happened.

It was a little strange having someone sniff me first, but I’m not ashamed to admit I kind of liked it.

She’s really changed my perspective on things. Everything looks different when you have someone to share it with, and you don’t feel so alone.

The cost of hair products and grooming is still outrageous, but love doesn’t fix everything. And yes, I said love. I know it may sound sudden, depending on how long it took you to read my first letter, but that was over a year ago. I just never got around to sending a retraction letter until now.

Oh, and fun fact—I’m not the only howler anymore! At first, I was worried when I picked her up early for our third date and heard her howling from down the road. I thought she was with someone else. But it turns out she was just by herself, thinking of me. It makes me blush every time I think about it.

We’ve moved in together. Got ourselves a place a little farther away from people—can’t have neighbors calling the cops over all the howling at night. (Wink, Wink.)

Also, I took the promotion. It was tough, but having my fiancée with me made it easier. It turns out that some cardio activities are better in wolf form.

Let’s see. What else? Oh!

Mom’s still allergic, but we worked around it. Last Christmas, we spent the morning at my family’s place and the evening at hers, where I actually got to sit at the table with everyone. It was amazing.

My former neighbor got a new cat. It’s Mr. Whiskers 2.0. He went missing just before we moved, but don’t worry, I found him stuck in a tree two houses down.

Life’s good now. My wolf form stopped eating small animals and tearing into giant bags of kibble. That’s thanks to my fiancé. She leaves large healthy meals out before we go to bed; if we change, we eat that instead of squirrels or a cat named Mr. Whiskers. We also spend a lot of nights running and exploring together. I’m starting to look like one of those fit teens from the werewolf movies—the ones I used to hate out of jealousy.

That’s about it. If you get my first letter, just forget everything I said unless this relationship ends horribly, and I go back to hating life as a werewolf. In that case, please retract letter 2 and reinstate Letter 1.