The Shadows Around Me

I once had everything. A loving family, fantastic friends and the perfect job.

I let all of it go and I still don’t know why. Why did I let everything get so bad?

I’m still unable to fit the pieces together. All my memories seem to be mixed up and muddled around. I know one day I will be able to make sense of it but now, now I just sit alone in the house that was once filled with happiness and laughter. I miss it so much. Days when I would sit in the garden playing fetch with my little Toby. Such a sweet little dog. I miss him too. Instead I sit in this room. This dark empty room and think about what happened. Is this the living room? I’m not sure any more. My mind is slowly fading into the darkness that surrounds me. Why can’t I remember what happened? Is this what it feels like to go insane? To forget what is reality. I sit here and I can still see the pictures hanging on the walls. My family. My Josie, my gorgeous wife.

I’ve known Josie since my first day in college. We were both studying English literature. I knew from the moment I saw her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The way her hair used to fall down and cover one side of her face. The way her eyes used to sparkle in the sunshine. The way her smile could fill a room full of happiness. What happened? Why did I let it all go wrong. The more I talk about this the more the pieces start to fit together in the right order. Still, there are things that I’m not sure if are real or fiction.

I remember Josie. I couldn’t forget her, nor could I make her up. Could I?

No, no I couldn’t of. I remember the first time I spoke to her. I had been in college for exactly a week and I would constantly be staring at her telling myself that I should just go up to her and talk. What harm could it have done?

She was sitting on a bench just outside the college grounds eating a sandwich, so I sat down next to her and introduced myself.

“I’m Markus, Markus Owens” I told her.

At first she was startled. She seemed to be in a world of her own. The way her eyes met mine, I felt a rush or was it a buzz go through my body? Either way, the feelings I got the moment she looked at me I could never forget.

“Josie Price.” She told me.

I smiled at her and extended my hand out.

Josie looked at my outstretched hand and wrapped her soft, little fingers around mine. There was that buzz again. My heart was pounding, I could feel sweat forming around and down my spine.

“I see we take English literature together. You sit two ahead of me.” I said.

Neither of us had realised but the entirety of the conversation we hadn’t let go of each others hands. I don’t know about Josie but for me it was love at first sight. It was at that moment I knew I wanted to make her Mrs. Josie Owens.

Every time we saw each other in our classes we would constantly be making eye contact, trying our best to stay focused on what we were actually in college to learn.

It took me only a month after our first meeting to ask her out.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” I asked.

Why I had worded it like this was beyond me. Such a childish thing to say.

Josie looked at me and started to giggle. I knew I had messed it up with my childish choice of words.

“Sorry forget I said anything.” I said.

I couldn’t look at Josie but if I had paid attention, I would have seen she wasn’t laughing at me or to be horrible. She actually saw how nervous I was. Luckily she found it cute. Me cute?

She put her hand under my chin so I was staring into those beautiful green eyes again and kissed me. It was the best feeling I had experienced, I couldn’t have been happier.

Josie placed her forehead to mine and whispered “I will.”

Why changed so quickly?

One moment I was happy, we were happy and the next thing, nothing. Nothing but empty shadows all around me. Josie is one of many of the shadows the surround me right now that I can’t seem to put in order and figure out what went wrong.

Did Josie know Toby?

I’m not sure if they ever met. Was Toby real?

I know Toby is real. I know for sure Toby is real. My trouser have sprinkles of dog hair on them. I remember going to get him. It was years ago now. He was only a pup. He was a scared little thing and I knew the moment I saw him I had to take him and make him happy. It broke my heart to see such a young puppy look so scared. I took a while for Toby to adjust to life with me and my mother but he soon came into his own. Now he is a bouncy, naughty little devil. Most of all the he is the most loving creature I could have hoped for.

Speak of the devil. He has just walked into my room, pushing the door open with his nose. He always knows when I am upset which is a lot lately. Thankfully Toby is not one of the shadows surrounding me but a beacon of light that helps me forget about the shadows in my life.

I’m not in the living room. I’m in my bedroom. I remember now.

Someday I will remember what happened or maybe I won’t but at least I have Toby.

“Markus! Have you taken your tablets today?”

That’s my mother. I best be going.