The Old College Try

There was a time when I had hope, I had a light that I could see at the end. I had hope that through hard work and determination that I could make it to a better place in life. Now, I know better. We are where we will always be in society and it is rare that any will improve their station in life these days. This however is about when I still had hope. I hoped to improve my station in life by getting an education and making life easier and better for myself and my family, even though deep down I knew it would fail.

I accepted the input of those around me and I went ahead and applied to the local university. I started taking classes. I even seemed to be doing well at first. Currently I am struggling but I am keeping decent grades in my classes – but I am also taking it slow and not going full stride.

I cannot help but feel that this positive movement would not last and that eventually I would fail at this task and then life would remain as it always had. Life for me and my family has always been a struggle. It began when I was a teenager. I am in the deepest parts of my mind and soul not even certain that I want to succeed – I have always felt that I am a failure so I am not sure what would happen if that belief was to be proven wrong.

At sixteen I dropped out of school with the permission of my mother. I struggled for a long time trying to find myself and to try and make something of my life. It was during this time that I learned it would be very difficult to improve my station in life and to get anywhere in this world we live in. The world has changed from what it used to be in our parent’s and grandparent’s time.

Even though I had hope that things would get better if only I tried and succeeded. I believed however that in the end it would not truly matter as I am not the type of person to succeed. It truly seemed to me that my lot in life was to fail, so I always knew that no matter what happened I would fail at the end result I wanted to have happen. And even knowing all this, I still at the age of 42 went back to school and took college classes. Armed with the knowledge it was more likely that I would fail than succeed, I felt prepared for the inevitable.

I never suspected that I would do well, failure was a part of who I felt I was and though those around me would tell me otherwise I could not help but feel the shame of failure even when I was successful in my activities.

This sense of imminent failure also applied to other activities though, like this writing contest. I know I will not win – but I still enter and try. It is the hope that I will eventually succeed and prove to myself that I am not a complete failure that keeps me going and making these attempts.

Deep down though, failure is what I know. Failure is what I feel. Failure is what I feel defines me most of the time. Even when I succeed, I still feel the sting of failure. No matter what I do or how well I do it, all I sense is the failure that is to eventually follow.

Perhaps one day I will feel successful and that sense of accomplishment. Perhaps. But until that time, how do I keep from falling into the deepest and darkest of depressions? I keep trying, even knowing I am likely only going to fail in the end.

We all fall down and fail at some time; this is a truth that I know from life and seeing the successful people. I see that they fall and fail. No one is perfect. I can see this and I understand it in my head. But unfortunately, the heart does not always understand what the mind does.  

How does one keep the light and not succumb to the darkness, they use hope to push through the darkness into the light. But how does one who only sees the darkness continue? I only see the possibility of failure, but the last little light left in me keeps me trying and pushing for the chance at success knowing it is not likely.

I think the biggest reason I keep going though is not for myself. I realize that I am where I will end up, always struggling and never at peace. But I keep struggling and going to show my kids that they can be better off if they try, because in the end it is that hope of being in a better place that keeps us from the deepest and darkest places in our own hearts and minds. I think to myself, I am only going to fail. But I struggle on and tell my kids “If you work hard and do your best, you can be better and make something of yourself.”

Hope and the feeling of failure is an odd combination and sitting here writing this out has brought about many conflicting and confusing feelings. Having hope that I will succeed and yet feeling that in the end I will fail, it makes for a difficult time. Writing for me is not the easiest thing to do any more, even though when I was younger, I was told by many that I was an amazing writer. Now, I have trouble putting my ideas into words which leads only to more of a sense of imminent failure. In the end I can only say this, “You’ll never know unless you try.” has never meant more to me than it does now. I will never know if I can truly succeed unless I try, so even with the knowledge I will likely fail – I am still going to keep trying.