A Loss of Faith

A Loss of Faith

In 2017 I was employed at two jobs back to back. The first of the two was my dream job - I loved it! It was as an Adult Literacy Practitioner. The reason I was able to fill the position as - I had shown I could do, some of the duties - required of the job - in another venue.  I was asked if I would be interested in filling the spot - temporarily until - someone was found.  I jumped at the chance but eventually and sadly - it came to an end and by that time - I had secured another job.

The second job was a call center job...home-based. Prior to starting this home-based job - I and the rest of the lambs were required to take on - in-depth training at two locations - over a period of two months. It was paid training - in the second part of the training, we were put up - in a hotel in the city. You would think the fact - that it was, of course, paid training - it wasn't going to be a bad job.  Well - you would be wrong the training was horrendous and muddled as well as; the fact that they switched over to a different phone system - that we would be using - near the end of the training! 

I somehow got through - the training by the skin of my teeth. When I finally got set up at home - in the basement - a makeshift office environment - it started off alright - I actually won a few prizes - for working overtime hours - that needed to be covered for possible outages/storm watch.  But as time went on - things took a turn for the worse - my phone and computer system started to develop ongoing issues; I couldn't hear customers, they couldn't hear me, the whole system went down for the majority of my shift, I couldn't find what I needed for customer inquires - in a timely manner because - it took forever to find it or get someone in chat to point you - in the right direction, I had numerous calls drop etc. the list goes on and on. 

I tried in vain to get my system fixed but all I got was - I will be coming down from the city next week or try this - to no avail! I was at my wit's end - and was almost hoping to get let go. I was not being heard - and it was very disheartening and my work morale was quickly becoming none existent. Then it happened - I received a very strange phone call from my supervisor, "What is the problem - you work from home - for god sake!! I could not believe the response - after I had continuously informed them - that my system was not working properly.  I was speechless - my supervisor proceeded to say, " I will talk again with you later!".  Later did not come - through a call anyway.  After that unsettling phone call - my stomach was in knots - I felt nauseous - not knowing what would be unfolding next. I sent an email to my supervisor expressing that I was hoping to talk this out and hopefully - get this worked out.

This did not happen. I was sitting in my basement office the next day - and the doorbell rang. I get anxious just thinking about it again. It was my supervisor and another person a woman - another supervisor?? They came down into the basement - and stated that they were there to pack up my work station. I was not surprised but the way that they did it - was cruel. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. 

When my mother and sister found out about it - all they could say was “What happened and what did you do, to get let go??” I remember my sister also saying out loud - like I was invisible “I thought this was the one - to work out” As you can surmise my family doesn’t exactly - have a lot of faith in me; especially when it comes to employment. I can understand this to an extent - when my mental illness was left under-diagnosed - it hindered my way of thinking and judgement. But now that I am well and fully diagnosed and taking the proper treatment - my sense of clarity is incredible! I am stable for the first time in my life - which is big for me but unfortunately - my family is still in that watchful state - ever waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At present, I am employed since August of 2018. But don't get excited yet - it is a casual position - in small options working with mentally challenged persons of different levels and capacities. I can do the work - no issue there - but you start at the very bottom - meaning casual. And you are on-call - you are on a shortlist of people - they call if there is definitely - no one else available meaning (full-time permanent, part-time permanent and casual permanent).  The last time I worked a shift - was Labour Day. 

Since this job is not very consistent I have been networking – trying to get my work life back on track. My sister just dropped off some Christmas gifts – my mother asked her how work was – as she usually does. She is the golden daughter – the one she can talk about to others – freely and with the utmost pride.

I on the other hand – seem to always be in a state – of starting over. My sister’s work is always, for the most part, a topic my mother – relishes in hearing about.  Recently my sister had an interview – I asked her about it and she said it went very well – her references had been called and they said she should get a background check done. So, of course, that would mean – she probably has the job in the bag.  Then she proceeded to ask me -  if I had gotten any shifts/hours lately.

Since I started this job I have been looking for other work and have had a few interviews. But no offers of employment. Recently, I have networked with someone in the hopes of getting some training – that would employ me into a career – that I would be very interested in – as opposed to doing – for the sake of others’ expectations.  I have a lot of training and my sister thinks that – I am all trained out and should look for work and not keep going in the direction - of more training.

So, now instead of being excited about my networking and research into this – training field, that I know – if I got, I could do no problem – and would love it – I am feeling deflated and shot down. I have struggled with mental illness and it has dragged me down – more times than I can count. Especially, with respect to staying employed but I am finally stable and ready to begin my life – and want to do so – on my own terms -  and not on the expectations and schedule of others. My illness has not gotten the best of me…if it had…I would no longer be here…I would have punched my card a long time ago.