I could not believe this is where I am. At the Grammy's. How could I ever be good enough to win one? I will never know. But here I was, along with other songwriters and artists, enjoying themselves. I was among the greatest of the greats, as I was nominated to be here tonight. This would be all over the media, and I would walk out with massive awards or not. But I do not think I would win. I did not even really deserve to be there in my opinion. But everyone I knew told me I had to. They said that my album was a hit, and I deserved to at least see what happened. Just for the stories. I reluctantly agreed and got a prom dress to come here.
I decided that if I had to go, I had to look nice. But seeing everyone here, people who were so famous, I froze up. When I recorded my hit song, my mom was there. But a week after it was produced and started to be loved, my mom died. My dad gave me the courage to come here. For her. In her honor. We cried together last night. We cry a lot because we miss her so much. But a few nights ago, my dad and I really broke down in tears about her. We cried almost all night, and it ended with him telling me how proud she would be of me. How happy it made her when she watched me make my album. "That night we came home and she told me," he did an impression of my mom, "she has got it."
It was the most emotional part of this. Of being here. Remembering my dad makes me sit in the closest seat to me, I put my stuff down and run to the bathroom. I put myself in a stall and I remember my song. The words, the melody. I start singing it. Once I have got to my favorite part of the song, I feel confident enough to go back out there. I walk out again, and now I see who is at the table I picked. Some of the most influential singers in the world. Only one was I slightly confused about. I try to keep my head down, and I try to make little to no interactions at all. I get myself a small helping of salad and eat a tiny bit of it. And then the ceremony begins. I wait for my section.
Sure enough, I was announced. There is a little drum roll and then they announce my name. I speed through a made-up speech, but I did mean every word of it, thanking my fans and shouting out to my dad. Then I head back to my chair. "Best in the division" is what it says. Which is completely wrong. I did not think I deserved this award. I did not think that it belonged to me. I handed it back, it would be mailed to me with my name engraved on it in a few days' time. I got congratulated the entire night, and I pretended to be social and happy. But on the inside, I felt like none of it was mine. Like it was fake. It did not feel like any of it belonged to me. Like it was not to be my fame. I did not expect any fame. I did all of it for my mom.
I went home to my dad's house. He said he watched the whole thing and kept showing how proud of me he was. But then after we had had a tea together, I told him about what my takes were. "It does not feel right. I do not think that I deserve it, dad. I just wish that mom was here. She would know what to do. She always knew what to do." Then I break down and he gives me a hug. He begins to cry and comfort me, telling me I did deserve it. That I should accept it, but only when it feels right for me. Until then, I did not have to do anything. Eventually, I went to bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I started to write a letter. I thought about sending it the same day, but I did not.
I was telling the award people the award could go to the second-place winner. It was not mine to be had. My dad watched me mope around the house. It was clear that he was doing something to cheer me up, but I did not know what. It was very suspenseful. He said nothing whenever it came up. And then a week after I put off the letter, someone knocked on the door of our house. It was the most awarded singer of the entire night! At my front doorstep. I was a huge fan. I loved their music. I saw them and hugged them. I stepped away and started to laugh and cry. They gave me a pat on the shoulder and told me to come outside.
They showed me this huge surprise outside my house. For two hours did we talk, and at the end of it, I had re-decided. I deserved it. My mom would be proud, and she would tell me to keep it. Even with her being dead, a part of me knew what she would tell me to keep it. I burned the letter, and a few days later my award came in. I put it on my shelf, along with every picture ever of me and my favorite singer. I may have taken a few. But I was happy. And my dad was happy. And I knew deep down that my mom would have been happy too. And eventually, I got more comfortable with going to the Grammy's. And I made more and more hits.
But most importantly, I knew that this was the way things were supposed to be.