If Men Could Give Birth

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

“Well sweet-cheeks, that’s a complicated question, I’m not sure you’ll be able to understand even if I tell you.”

“I want to know! I want to know! I want to know I wanna know I wannanow! I wannanooooo!”

“Ok, ok, stop, OW! Stop waving your fists around!”

“My friend said his parents told him but that he couldn’t tell me because I’m too small.”

“You know it’s not nice to hit people. Settle your little fists down.”

“Ok.”

“Quit jumping around too, if you want me to tell you, you have to settle down. Here sit on this ledge, careful now. No! Don’t jump on it, here, come stand by it. There you go, now sit down, calmly please.”

"…"

“Ok, now that you’re situated let me tell you. When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they make a baby. Just like you! Mommy wanted a little boy very, very much. So we saved up some money, got married, and then poof! Nine months later, you appeared!”

“But where was I before that?”

"Well, you were in Mommy's tummy for nine months."

"But where was I before that?"

“Well, nobody knows that exactly, but we think you were just a part of Mommy… and Daddy. Everyone was really happy when you showed up, Grandma and Grandpa, and even your aunties and uncles. Everyone was yelling, “Yay! Billy is finally here!” That means we can finally tickle him!”

“Heeyy stop that, stop tickling me. My friend said that daddies can have babies too, he said this other kid was born from a daddy and that’s why he’s so tall but he’s not very smart.”

“Well that wasn’t a very nice thing of him to say, now was it?”

“No… was I born from you Daddy?”

“No silly, you weren’t, you were born from Mommy.”

“But if I was born from you Daddy, would I be big but not very smart?”

“You would still be the perfect little angel if you were born from me and I’m sure you would be just the right size and as smart as you could be!”

“But why are some babies born from mommies and some born from daddies?”

“Well… a long time ago it used to be that only mommies could give birth. And it would hurt a lot and the mommies would have to carry the babies in their tummies for nine whole months before the baby could be born…”

“Is that what happened to me? Did Mommy carry me around for nine months and then get hurt when I was born?”

“Hey its ok buddy you didn’t hurt Mommy don’t worry, don’t get sad now who needs a visit from the tickle monster?”

“Not me, no thank you!”

“Then no need to get sad! Look at us, out in the park, it's a beautiful day; and you’re getting sad about something that didn’t even happen. How about this, I'll get you some ice cream on the drive back from the park?”

“As long as you promise not to say I hurt Mommy.”

“Don’t worry little man you never hurt Mommy, plus she was so happy to finally meet you after those nine months that she couldn’t possibly be hurt.”

“Ok, can I have the ice cream sandwich with the superheroes on it?”

“The one with all the artificial colorings and flavorings that probably can’t legally be called ice cream?”

“Yeah! That's my favorite!”

“Ok buddy but just this time alright? And don’t tell Mommy.”

“Ok I won’t, or wait can I have the ice cream from the man with that truck that comes by?”

“What truck?”

“The one that just walked by, we always see him at the park. But Mommy says I can’t buy the superhero ice cream because it's bad for me.”

“Oh you mean the guy with that little cart. I was surprised because you said truck and we don’t have any ice cream trucks in our neighborhood, at least none that I can hear. You can usually hear those things for miles. I swear anytime of day you can tell exactly where they are. Ok so wait, you want the one from the guy with the cart? I can see him over there behind the swings, you see he’s helping that little kid with his mom?”

“Yeah! That’s the guy I want his ice cream.”

“Ok but it’s either this guy or on the drive home. You can’t have both.”

“This guy! This guy this guy! This guy!”

“Alright, alright let's wait until he comes around, he just walks around this park, he won’t be long.”

“So why was I born from a mommy and not from a daddy?”

“Well most daddies… they don’t really want to have babies just to have them you know?”

“Is that…”

“No that’s not why I, well me and you mother, that’s not why we had you. I wanted a baby lots, a whole lot. Me and Mommy both wanted you and that’s why we had you.”

“So why don’t other daddies want their babies?”

“Well like I said, it used to be that daddies couldn’t have babies. But then when they finally allowed daddies to have babies…”

“But why weren’t daddies allowed to have babies? Is it because daddies didn’t want them?”

“No, they did, it was just that the government thought it was best for mommies to have the babies. Because that’s how it’s always been.”

“But why?”

“Well because originally it was just mommies having babies because daddies had to work. They had to work to feed the mommy and the baby. But now…”

“But why didn’t the mommies work?”

“Well… that’s just how it was. First, it was just mommies having babies and daddies working. But then both mommies and daddies had to work so the government decided it wasn’t fair to the mommies that only they have babies. So the government got its best scientists together and they decided it would be ok for daddies to have babies and then they made a special medicine that a daddy would take and it made it so he could have a baby.”

“So if I want to have a baby I need to take medicine?”

“Yes! And lots of it! Very gross medicine and it makes your tummy hurt real bad. Also, all the daddies that have babies, their kids when they grow up can also have babies. Regardless of whether they are boys or girls... Before the medicine it was only girls that could grow up and have babies.”

“So before this medicine I couldn’t have a baby”

Yep, and you still can’t so don’t worry about it. When the time is right you will find yourself a special girl that you will marry and together you will have a baby. But that is much, much later than now. You have to wait until you’re an adult.”

“But if I wanted to have a baby could I take the medicine and have one?”

“Yes you could when you’re big and strong and an adult like Daddy. But like I said, it isn't very fun or pleasant.”

“So why do daddies do it if they can have mommy make the baby like they used to before the medicine.

“Oh look! The ice cream man is coming by! Come on! Let's go get you that ice cream.”

“Yeeeesssssssss ICE CREAM!!! I LOVE ICE CREAM SO MUCH!!!!”

“Hey hey hey little guy hold on there, what did we say about waving your fists?”

“I LOVE WAVING MY FISTS WHEN I GET ICE CREAM!!!!”

“Ok, but we agreed hurting people is bad and when you wave your fists you could hurt someone right? And please, stop yelling Billy, or else you won’t get any ice cream.”

“Hi, can I get… which one do you want again?”

“The one with the superhero!”

“Which superhero darling?”

“This one!”

“Which one is that?”

“THIS one!”

“Ok ok can we have this one? How much? Keep the change. Alright look at you, you got your superhero ice cream what do you want to do now maybe go look at the ducks?”

“No! We already looked at the ducks, remember? Silly Daddy, I just want to eat my ice cream.”

“Ok well after you’re done maybe we ride the swings a little?”

“Daddy? So if mommies can have babies why do daddies want to take the medicine and do it?”

“Well you see… daddies really like sports. You know on Sunday mornings, Mommy takes you to see Grandpa and Grandma and Daddy has his friends come over to watch sports?”

“Yeah.”

“Well daddies, they like to make a sport out of everything. Like football and basketball, daddies, they just really like sports. So they made a sport out of having babies too.”

“But how can you make babies a sport? Do they throw the babies or kick them?”

“No, No! They definitely don’t kick the babies or throw them… They just, well the daddies… they… don’t really… When daddies have babies they don’t really take care of the baby. And they take even more medicines so the baby grows more and comes out quicker. That’s probably why your friend said the big kid was born from a daddy.”

“But why?”

“Well they… the daddies that like having babies, they try to have lots of babies very quickly. They don’t want to carry the baby in their tummies like mommy did with you for nine months because then the baby comes out smart and perfect and strong just like you.”

“So these other babies, they aren’t smart and strong?”

“Well they can be sure, not all babies from daddies come out the same. But some daddies they just… have babies, to have the babies you know? It’s like running really fast or swinging high on the swing. You know when you and your friend… what’s his name? Um Jerome, you’re friend Jerome right?”

“You mean Jerry?”

“Yeah Jerry, like when you and Jerry have a race or when me and Jerry’s mom push you two on the swings and you try to see who can go higher?”

“Yeah.”

“Well some daddies, that’s how they like to have babies, they see who can have the biggest baby and who can do it the quickest. But they don’t really care about the baby and they don’t take care of it and carry it in their tummies for nine months.”

“But what happens to the babies if no one cares about them?”

“Hey hey don’t be sad it’s ok someone else just cares for the babies. Yeah there’s a whole lot of people. A special government department and all they do is take care of babies from daddies that don’t want them. Don’t you worry those babies are doing just fine! They probably have lots and lots of mommies just waiting to take care of them and give them superhero ice cream.”

“But Mommy said that the super hero ice cream is bad for you.”

“Don’t worry about that, they don’t give them too much, just enough so that they’re healthy. I wouldn’t worry about who comes from a mommy or a daddy. You should just be nice to people and don’t tell them they’re too big or not smart enough. Here, look that swing opened up, let me have your popsicle stick.”

“But daddy, what if…”

“Hold that thought, come on, let's get you on that swing before some other kid takes it.”

“But wait…”

“Come on, you can ask me on the swing, let’s just get over there.”