The Secret Affair

Mary-Jane and I were alone together, sitting on the sand near the water, our toes dipped in. I noticed her attitude changing so suddenly this past afternoon, and I wondered what she wanted to talk to me about.

I asked, “Is everything okay, M.J.?”

She shook her head and scoffed. “You don’t get to call me that anymore. How could you?”

I raised my eyebrows. “How could I what?”

“Please, don’t even pretend you don’t know,” she snapped. “You’ve got a hell of a nerve!” Then she lowered her voice. “Are you seriously pregnant with another man’s baby? You’ve been having an affair behind Justin’s back?!”

Somehow, I knew someone would find out about this… I didn’t think it’d be Mary-Jane. Her brother, Justin, was my husband and the father of our three-year-old girl, Ryleigh. For the past seven months, I’d been letting him believe this Baby No. 2 was his, and Ryleigh was going to be a big sister. I’d tried my best to tell him that the baby was actually that of another man’s instead—Kevin, the widower of one of my former oncology patients, Sharla, who’d passed away from cancer.

Things between Kevin and me weren’t supposed to get that far. It all started when Sharla became my patient, undergoing chemo and radiation for uterine cancer. As her nurse, I did everything possible I could for her, but in this line of work, I hated being the bearer of bad news by telling someone that their disease “had spread”, and there’s nothing else to be done about it.

Like me, Sharla was a young woman who had a whole life ahead of her. She was only 39, having left behind a nine-year-old girl without her mother. My heart just broke for Kevin and their young daughter, just like for all my previous patients whose lives I couldn’t save, no matter how hard I tried.

But this time, things were different because I’d been putting in very long hours at the hospital lately, while Justin was busy working as an accountant. At this point, our marriage had reached a place past rock bottom, where we were just too busy for each other and for little Ryleigh. I wasn’t trying to justify my affair, but I’d spend more time buried in work than at home with Justin. He and I were like two ships just passing each other through the sea, going about our own separate directions. We didn’t appear to be on the same page anymore.

I’d tried telling him this second baby wasn’t actually his, and little Ryleigh wouldn’t get to be a big sister like we’d hoped. But he was just so damn excited… That look on his face when I first broke the news to him. For the first time, it gave him some hope that we’d be able to work things out with each other, and for the past six months, things were peaceful between us. Though I had my moments where I was a little distant because the guilt was eating me up inside. I didn’t know how to tell him… Or Mary-Jane. She’s the best sister-in-law I’d ever had, and I saw her as another sister. I didn’t know how she’d found out about this. Maybe she might’ve overheard me? Did she even understand Spanish? I was talking to my mother in Spanish in the hotel room Justin and I shared. There’s no way she could’ve heard me then.

Or did she?

I put my arm on her shoulder. “M.J., please hear me out,” I said softly.

She resisted my touch. “What the hell, Kalissa? What is wrong with you?” She raised her voice. “My brother, for crying out loud! Your husband, the father of your three-year-old child… What kind of a wife and mother are you? How can you do this to us? We saw you as another member of our family. We welcomed you into our home and our lives. You should be ashamed of yourself!” She got up and folded her arms, standing a few feet away from the water and avoiding my gaze.

I got up as well. “I feel bad every day for what I’ve done to Justin.”

She shook her head. “Yeah, you should feel bad! My brother, the man of the family who’s been working very hard to provide for his home, and you’re trying to justify it by having an emotional affair with a dead woman’s husband… A dead woman who just so happened to be a former patient of yours. What, you couldn’t keep it in your pants long enough to do your damn job without breaking your professional code of ethics or whatever by screwing the very man who’d just lost his wife to cancer? What was it, an ‘emotional affair’, as you guys like to call it?” She put air quotes. “Did you ever really love this other guy at all?”

I sighed. “No, I don’t really have any feelings for Kevin like that.”

“I asked if you loved him! More than my brother.”

“M.J…” I started.

“Don’t fucking call me M.J.!” she shouted. “You don’t get to call me that anymore! You’re a traitor to me and my family.” A tear fell down her face as she whispered, “Just Mary-Jane for now. No more M.J., not from you. You are the worst sister-in-law in the world!”

Fair enough. I deserved the Best Sister-In-Law of the Year award.

A few tears ran down my face. “Mary-Jane, I-I want you to know… I never really loved Kevin, at least not like that. I hate to admit it, but yeah. Things did get out-of-control between us, and it’s all because of me. I was the one who blurred professional lines by getting too close with the loved one of a patient instead of just doing my job. I was supposed to keep things strictly professional between Kevin and me, but…”

I took a deep breath before saying the next part aloud. “I was the one who took things too far. Kevin is totally innocent in all of this, that I can assure you. I took advantage of him during his most vulnerable moment of having lost his wife, the mother of his child. He didn’t even ask for this. Please believe me, sis. We both agreed it was wrong and he shouldn’t have made that impulsive decision while grieving Sharla. You believe me, don’t you?”

She was silent for a moment, considering all I’d just said, then she turned to me and shook her head. “Did you really want to have his child? What’s your plan for when this baby is born?”

“Obviously, I will tell Justin soon, but I’d like to give this baby up for adoption. I don’t think it’s right for me to have another man’s baby behind my husband’s back. And I’m too far along in the pregnancy to terminate it. I’d secretly been in touch with couples who plan to adopt, and our agreement is to have it as a closed adoption. I don’t need to have anything more to do with that child once it’s born.” I gave her a small smile. “I know it’s not ideal, nor will it fix anything between Justin and me, but it’s the best I can do for now.”

For a moment, her expression softened, as if we’d both come to an understanding. But deep down, I knew she still hated me, and she had every right to. I’d betrayed her family in the worst possible way—our family. Justin was my family, too. He’s her brother but also my husband and the father of our beautiful little girl. I hated knowing what I’d done to him and how hurt he’d be, if ever found out. He had such high hopes for us, ever since I announced my pregnancy with this child that’s not even his. He’d hate me for a lifetime for this, and I wouldn’t blame him if he chose to divorce.

“I don’t believe you.” She said so softly, almost to the point of a whisper.

I nodded. “Okay, I guess I can’t say I blame you. I wouldn’t believe me, either.”

“No, it’s just a matter of how much I really hate your guts right now because of the damage you’ve caused our family. Justin deserves to know the truth, and one of us must tell him.” She folded her arms. “It’s either you or me, but knowing me very well… I would not keep this quiet from him. He deserves to know the kind of ‘woman’ you really are.”

Mary-Jane Howard was known for her outspoken, assertive personality… The complete opposite of me. She was Justin’s younger sister, yet highly protective of him. They had such a strong sibling relationship their whole life, and I admired that about them. I admired her loyalty to him.

I hated to be that person, but I wanted her to be loyal to me in this moment. “Please, Mary-Jane… Don’t tell him yet.”

She gasped. “Are you seriously saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Yeah…” I sighed. “Please don’t tell him or anyone else anything just yet.”

“Why the hell not?” she cried.

“Because I’m really scared, okay? And secondly, we’re out here to enjoy Donna’s wedding.” Donna Elliott was her childhood best friend getting married to her sweetheart, Ethan Russell, tomorrow. That’s the main reason we’re all here in Cape Cod in the first place—a nice summer destination wedding. It was Donna and Ethan’s idea for all of us to have the ceremony here, instead of staying stuck in “boring” old Santa Monica, where we’re all originally from.

She rolled her eyes. “Are you seriously using my best friend’s wedding as a lame excuse to avoid telling my brother the truth about how you’ve wrecked your own home?!”

Before I interjected, she continued. “Yes, that’s right, Kal—you’re a homewrecker! You wrecked your own marriage by having an affair with a dead woman’s husband grieving a tragic loss! How the hell do you even live with yourself? How have you been living with yourself all these months, sleeping with my brother in the same bed every single night, putting on this amazing act as a loving wife and mother… Knowing full well the damage of your actions? OMG.” She tsked, shaking her head. “You are a disgusting excuse of a woman. No real woman would ever do something this gross and think her actions are forgivable. No. Not in my book. In one way or another, Justin will find out, and someone is bound to tell him.”

“Are you really gonna be the one to tell him?” I asked softly, and she nodded.

“Hell, yeah. Unlike you, I don’t keep secrets from the people I love. I let them know exactly how I feel about anything. I’ll never hide this from Justin. As my brother, he deserves to know who you really are. My three-year-old niece deserves to know what kind of a mother you are, too.”

A tear ran down my face. “Please, Mary-Jane… I’m begging you, not right now. I want us all to get through Donna and Ethan’s wedding ceremony first.”

“No.” She shook her head; she’s that adamant. “I don’t think so, Kalissa. Justin is never gonna forgive you, and it’s up to him to decide if he still wants you in his life or not. But knowing my brother pretty well, he’ll probably divorce your ass, which he really should and I’ll make damn sure of it, too.”

“Mary-Jane…” I called out after her, just as she started storming off.

I went after her, and we both joined all the others in the festivities of planning the wedding for Donna and Ethan, coming up tomorrow.