The Queen and the Doll

Blue was meant to be the color of tranquility, of trust. Walking into a room that was blindingly white besides starch blue walls, makes Nevie feel anything but. Today, blue is a winter storm; waiting for her to let down her guard so it could attack her veins and steal her warmth. Nevie sits down in a plain chair, only a chess table between her and her opponent, and decides she isn’t going to give in to trust.

The person across from her, a girl with blonde hair and rosy cheeks, rocks back and forth in her chair. “You actually came,” Lexia says with a smile.

“Not for you.” Nevie keeps her eyes low, looking anywhere but at Lexia. “I’m here to help me, not you.”

“Oh…” The familiar smile Lexia always wears disappears from her face. It’s then that Nevie looks up and notices Lexia’s lack of self. Lexia liked to wear pink, now she was forced into white. Lexia liked to chat, now she was quiet. Lexia liked to play with people and things, now she couldn’t. Nevie has to remind herself that now, Lexia can’t play with her.

Nevie clears her throat. “I know that the doctors here think that you’d benefit from talking to me, and—” The steel door a few feet away from Nevie buzzes and a young man enters the room. The noise stirs Nevie from her thoughts. “And… And my therapist thinks I should confront you and share my feelings.”

Lexia raises her hand mockingly as if they’re still in school together. “Two questions. One: how do you feel?”

“Angry,” Nevie replies in a low voice. Her eyes keep darting around the white room as people pass by. She wishes they had a more private place to speak.

“Two: since when do you go to therapy?”

“Since you tried to kill me, Lexia.”

A hum escapes Lexia’s mouth. “I see…” Lexia continues to sing a sweet tune as she picks up the white queen and drops it onto the center of the board. Nevie’s heart races as Lexia picks up the black queen and puts it next to its companion. A connection dings in Nevie’s head: they’re the queens. Lexia wearing white, Nevie in black. “Do you see?”

“I’m not playing games with you. I’m here to talk.”

Ignoring Nevie, Lexia takes the white queen and strikes down the black one. “Is that how you feel?”

Nevie grabs Lexia’s hand and squeezes it, digging her nails into the other girl’s palm. “Stop.”

“Nevie, I’m just trying to understand how you feel,” Lexia says in an innocent voice. She bats her eyelashes at Nevie then yanks her hand away. “Truly, I mean it. I’m here and I wanted to talk to you because I want to change.”

“Do you?” Nevie gestures at the chessboard. “Then what’s this shit? You putting the queens together and knocking one down.”

“It was just fun.”

“Your ‘fun’ is killing people, Lexia.”

“Is not,” Lexia says, pouting like a child. “I never wanted to kill you.” Lexia pulls her legs to her chest. “I trusted you and you betrayed me.”

Nevie shakes her head an unsettling laugh creeping up her spine. “You told me that you killed your mom. Was I supposed to not say anything?”

“Now you get it.” Lexia sighs and drops her feet back to the cold tile. “It felt really good to tell you how I feel.” Again, the door buzzes, but it doesn’t seem to alarm Lexia. She has no care for who is around to hear her sins. “Your turn.”

Something in Nevie’s mind tells her to run. Tells her that divulging her inner truth to Lexia is wrong. “I think I should go,” Nevie whispers. As she stands up, Lexia gently grabs her hand. Despite the tenderness, Nevie notices every staff member in the room lock eyes on Lexia.

“Don’t go.” Lexia’s round ocean eyes drill into Nevie’s soul. Slowly chipping away everything she knows and everything she’s learned. It’s like Lexia is her innocent crush all over again. Not the girl who stuck a knife to her throat.

In rigid movements, Nevie sits back down. “Fine, but no bullshit. I’ll say what I want to say, and you’ll listen.”

Lexia nods cheerfully.

“You’ve ruined me.”

With a dull expression on her face, Lexia waves for Nevie to continue. “And?”

“And you ruined my life,” Nevie admits. Emotion floods her throat but Nevie will be damned if she lets it show.

“How?”

“How?” Nevie repeats. “Everyone knows what you did to your mom and what you tried to do to me. I’m no longer my own person, everywhere I go I’m the one that got away from you.” Nevie picks up the black queen and moves it back to its original spot. “I’ve tried to move on and meet new people, but no one wants me because of you.”

“I want you.”

“No, you don’t. You want someone to manipulate, you want a doll.” Nevie blinks and an image flashes before her eyes. Being in Lexia’s rose-colored room, her heart beating in her ears. She remembers putting on red lipstick to please Lexia, to stall for time until she could run. Lexia wanted Nevie to be a perfect doll, just like her. “You cursed me with being treated as if I’m some fragile box that’ll break at any moment,” Nevie whispers, heat rising in her chest. “And it’s the worst curse anyone could ever be given.”

Lexia shrugs, her white gown falling from one shoulder. “I didn’t mean to curse you. I’m sorry.”

“Lexia, you’re not sorry. You just want me to forgive you.”

“That’s not true. I want to earn your forgiveness.”

It’s a game, a trick, Nevie tells herself. Lexia has always acted like a pure flower. This is no different. “I don’t believe you.” Nevie stands up, this time intent on not letting Lexia drag her down. “And even if I did, I would never forgive you.”

This time as Nevie leaves Lexia doesn’t grab her. She doesn’t strain to grasp the blue walls and cling to sanity. And Nevie’s relieved. If Lexia touched her one more time, she might say something regrettable.

I will never forgive you, but I still love you.