Curse Breaker

Possible TW: Verbal abuse, alcoholism. This is based off my life, names changed.

Hot tears slid down my cheeks as I walked in the brisk fall air to the gymnasium for the basketball game. The blue and orange paint on my face had most likely smeared and would need to be reapplied before I joined the other cheerleaders. I didn't want anyone else to see me cry but the more I tried to dry my tears the faster they fell. I sat down hard on the ground and buried my face in my arms and let myself sob. This night was supposed to be a great night. How could I go cheer when I felt nothing but anguish and hopelessness? This endless cycle of misery would be the death of me, I just knew it. I could still feel my dad's hot, rancid breath as he screamed in my face. It hadn't been my fault that the bucket of sugar had tipped over but that made no difference to my dad who was already so drunk that he couldn't walk in a straight line. As soon as it had spilled on the floor, he was instantly in my face screaming " How stupid and clumsy are you? Go get the broom and sweep that shit up right now!" With tears already burning behind my eyes I went to grab the broom and dustpan from the laundry room and started to sweep up the sugar when he suddenly stormed back into the kitchen and kicked the dustpan out of my now shaking hands, spewing the sugar I’d just swept all over the whole kitchen while screaming more incoherent profanities at me. Actual tears fell this time fueling his rage further. He began to mock me " Oh poor little baby Lou! Wipe those fake ass crocodile tears away! If you want a reason to cry, I'll give you a reason!" He raised a hand to hit me, and I instinctively covered my face with my hands, and he laughed at my fear. He disappeared from the kitchen and returned with a video camera in his hand and shoved it in my face as I cried, and my face burned with embarrassment of who he would show this video to. He taunted me and said terrible things so that I would cry harder. Deciding at last that he was done humiliating me, he reached for his new bottle of whiskey on top of the fridge and stumbled back into his bedroom and slammed the door, muttering more profanities to himself. Quiet as a mouse I slipped out the door with my gym bag. It was like this most nights. There was no escape no matter what I did or how quiet I was. He would find me wherever I was and pick a fight about everything and nothing. The only escape I had was my books and he even stooped so low as to take all books out of my room because he knew they were the only things that brought me joy. There was only 20 minutes left until the game was supposed to start so I stood up and started walking again. It was only a five-minute walk to the gym, but I needed every bit of the time left to try and collect myself. Once I was inside the front door of the school, I made a beeline to the bathroom and prayed no one else was in there. Luck was on my side. Assessing the damage to my face it was just as I thought. The paint was smeared all the way down my cheeks and my eyes were puffy and red rimmed. Oh Well. Determined to make the best of the situation I washed the paint off my face and splashed my eyes with warm water to try and make it look less like I’d been crying for the last half hour. Reapplying the blue and orange stripes of paint under my eyes and another layer of mascara on my lashes I stepped back and looked at my reflection. My blue eyes were almost a clear sort of silver. My blonde poofy bun atop my head was still in place and I looked okay considering. I fixed the bow in my hair and straightened my skirt making sure that I looked presentable. Satisfied with the results I grabbed my bag and made my way into the cafeteria where the cheerleaders met before a home game. There is only three of us since our school is so small. The other girls are waiting to start stretches since its a requirement before we can go cheer for the team. The captain looks up as I walked in and gives the other girl a wolfish look that I know all too well. I sigh as I know what is coming. If it were up to them there would only be the two of them and much to their dismay the rules say that there has to be at least three cheerleaders in order for them to cheer at games. So, they got stuck with me. They don’t like me and don’t try to hide the fact from me. They make snarky remarks behind my back and sometimes loud enough that I can hear what they are saying. Normally I am extremely good at brushing off their comments because regardless of how mean they are to me, I love to cheer. Tonight, however is a different story. Danny, the head cheerleader stands up and saunters over to me. Her voice sickly sweet and dripping with sarcasm. "Oh wow. Your hair looks so good tonight, Lou!" I know there is a catch coming because this most definitely is not a compliment and indeed there was an insult waiting. "Doesn't she look just like that boy we know from Horseshoe Bend Keir? He wears his hair just like that!" Keir is the other cheerleader and Danny's sidekick in mean girl 101. "You are so right Danny! She does look just like him!" and they giggle together, clearly proud of the burn they think they served me. I knew they are being rude, and these comments are insults, but I just quietly say thank you and continue to do my stretches, though inside my heart was already hurting and I can feel my confidence slipping away. It is time for the game to start so I tuck it all away and put on my best winning smile. We form the bridge for the players to run under, shaking our pom poms as they run by, and by the time the national anthem is sang I am feeling a lot better. They announce the varsity players and each of us take turns doing a different high kick as each of the names are called. It is my turn to do my kick. As I step forward though, Danny sticks her foot out to trip me, so subtly that anyone else probably wouldn't have noticed, and I fall , in what seems like slow motion, hard, right on my face in front of the whole gym packed with people. And they all laugh. My heart thunders in my chest and a roaring sounds in my ears as hundreds of pairs of eyes are all looking at me. I feel so humiliated and that was the last straw. I bolt from the gymnasium, shoving past people and bursting out the door. I make it a short distance before I fall to my knees in the cold grass and dry heave. I hold my stomach and cry until I have no tears left. I jump as a gentle hand touches my shoulder. "Are you okay sweet thing?" Her voice is smooth as honey and so soft. I turn to find an older woman maybe in her 60's with purple hair, long black pointy nails and blue-grey eyes that are looking at me sympathetically. I wipe my eyes and nose "I think I'm okay." I sniffle and sit back on the grass. "Did you see what happened?" I ask her pathetically, feeling so sorry for myself. "I did see. I came straight down to see if you were okay. What a wicked thing that girl did to you." So, someone else had seen what Danny did. "This has just been the worst night!" I cry and proceed to spill the whole story start to finish about my disastrous night and miserable life sparing no detail. When I finish blubbering, she surprises me by pulling me into a warm hug. "I'm so sorry sweet thing, I truly am. I know that doesn't erase any of your pain or make it any better, but I see you. My name is Lynda and I live just two miles down that way." She points with her long black nail down the road to the left. "I know how it feels to be bullied. One time in second grade the other girls in my class held me down and cut my hair at recess. My hair was so long and beautiful and I remember my grandma crying about it." I look at her appalled. "Did they get in trouble for it?" She looks at me with a sad expression "No, no they didn't. You see most of the kids in my class came from rich families that owned majority of the land in this town and back then popularity depended on what your last name was, and I didn't have the right one." I ponder this information "So what did you do about it? Did it get any better?" She gives me a smile and leans in to whisper to me as if it were a secret "Bullies will always be bullies no matter what you do. These girls will always be mean girls and your dad will have to live with the repercussions of his alcoholism but you my sweet girl have the power to decide who and what you want to be in this life. I know it seems like a long time, but you only have two more years of this and guess what? There's a whole big, wonderful world out there where you can be whoever you want to be. You can go wherever you want to go and you don't ever have to come back to this godforsaken place ever again. Make your own destiny and choose your own fate. Let them say awful things about you but just know that it's not a reflection of you it's a reflection of their own ugliness inside themselves." Tears are once again in my eyes, but a different kind of tears. Tears of enlightenment as her words soak into my heart. She is right. I could make my own destiny. I hug her once more and thank her for her kindness. "Remember that I live just down that way in the big yellow house with the purple fence and you are welcome to visit anytime." With a mischievous wink she walks off towards her home. I pick myself up off the grass, brush myself off and walk back through the doors of the gym with my chin held high, a smile on my face and a new determination in my heart and much to the surprise and dismay of the other girls, I cheer louder than I've ever cheered before and smile brighter than I've ever smiled in my life. I can make it through this, I can break this cycle, I can be different, I would be different.