Falling Out

Do you know what it’s like to fall out of love?  

It's intriguing, to put it lightly. I recall the period of denial and pain I went through before the real break-up occurred. I kept trying to persuade myself that I was just going through a bad phase. Things that used to make my world brighter started to bother me. Since there was no longer a physical attraction between us, I was constantly there but never there.  

My first love, Jack. 

I can still see his face when he said he loved me, but not in the same way. I recall myself sobbing and pleading with him to try again even though I knew I felt the same way. I pleaded grudgingly, and it was obvious. We gradually became better over the next months, and everyone thought we were perfect for each other. There were expectations that we were the one high school pair that would succeed.

We socialized with others. It was strange. When I saw other people, I saw that I loved him more. I adored him because of how he molded me, how we first met, and our first kiss. That was enough: I loved him more than any other person I had ever seen. Was it not? It was agreed upon by both of us that we would believe ourselves to be faultless. We attended each other's family functions, snapped photographs on holidays, and did everything else that felt appropriate. 

Then, he stopped sending good morning texts. I ended our goodnight texts. We avoided each other at work and spent more time with our other friend groups than we did with one another alone. We stopped being intimate since our dates became into group hangouts. 

I realized I no longer loved him after a year of living under the illusion that we were going through a hard patch. For what he had done for me, I adored him. I told him that I was unable to continue. He sobbed and questioned why I hadn't told him earlier. I probably ought to have, but I didn't want to give up something so comfortable. I believed that was the ideal in a relationship. He was my first and foremost. My first boyfriend, my first love...or so I thought.

I ignored him to keep writing in my diary and deciding what degree I wanted to pursue while he started playing video games and ignoring my calls. While he continued to play games, I began to exercise. I was there when he was, yet I wasn't there. 

In conclusion, it might be difficult to let go of a romantic relationship. Up to the very end, it's not easy. After some reflection, I realized I remembered feeling depressed all the time. I was unsure about the cause. Although I still loved him, I was no longer in love. It was depressing and painful. We've talked about it, and I know I still love him, but sometimes relationships simply don't work. The relationship space felt empty, even though there were two hearts filling it.

We were just too different.  

-- 

Being in a relationship with someone entails making room in my life and thinking for them. When you love someone, they often occupy great area in your life, and Nick, my other ex-boyfriend, was no exception.  

For six years, we were together and helped each other through many highs and lows. Until the day I chose to end our relationship, I believed we had good communication and I had entire faith in him. I thought he was the one.

I was getting ready to go to Seattle for my first job after finishing college. I was going to be a software engineer. Nick intended on relocating there once he finished earning his degree the following winter, he and I had jointly picked the location. 

But a few weeks before the transfer, I learned through my roommate that he had a one night stand with another woman the year before, while I was away studying abroad in Europe. He revealed to the woman that we had broken up because I had cheated on him while I was intoxicated at a party. She believed him. I couldn’t blame her. He always had such a way with words. 

When I approached Nick with that, he initially denied that it had ever happened. Before finally breaking down and confessing that he had cheated on me, along with other women in addition to her.

Instead of feeling regret, he took a defensive stance and created several defense mechanisms in which they were my fault. Aside from the fact that they made no sense, the confessions he made about his feelings for me were both upsetting and worrisome for our relationship.  

Even though we didn't fight much, it was the worst fight we've ever had. The disagreements between us continued far into the morning, and the tension persisted all day. Over the course of the previous six years, we discussed and argued about every emotion we had as well as several incidents.

That next morning, I became aware that Nick no longer filled a significant part of my life and that I had no strong feelings for him. The previous six years seemed to have been fiction. Did he open my eyes? Maybe...

We were just too different.

Making breakfast, he expressed regret for what occurred the day before. I tried to forgive him, but there was no way I could. How could I? Even though it was obvious that he still loved me, all I could think about was how he had repressed his feelings for me over the previous few years, and how I had catered to all his requirements. One of which was that I refrain from seeing any of my male friends unless he was aware and approved of it it because he was worried about what might happen between us. The idea of keeping up our connection didn't feel right. 

I told him that I had lost all affection for him, and that I was moving to Seattle, and that he would not be allowed to stay with me. We were simply done. A lengthy romance came to a quick and abrupt end. I needed more than a year to adjust to his absence, but I was confident in my decision.  

--

The process of falling out of love is worst than the breakup.

What used to be your favorite things, start to feel like annoying habits like taking out the trash so your house does not smell.

You choose to love, but when they move away one day, you'll be the first try to keep in touch, but eventually stop because they don't care enough like you do.

Or they might say that they need to calm down or require some space before returning. By then, it would be too late. 

Your heart was sent to the galaxy because they said they needed space. 

They will exaggerate and claim they did not do anything wrong.

They will keep saying he didn't cheat while you try to convince them that the truth is more important than the lie. 

You'll see that you don't even agree on the issues that are causing your arguments. 

Because at first you felt their silence was mysterious, and then you realized they had nothing to say. 

You can't get past your personal perception of what they did, and as a result, you no longer feel safe, or secure. 

You will perceive what they did as a sort of betrayal even if it wasn't. 

They'll want you to stand out. At first, you try, but ultimately your exhaustion overpowers your feelings of love. 

Because they lied, even if the lie was small.

They will find it unbelievable that you would leave for something so little, yet they lied.

The problem is that they can no longer be trusted to be honest with you.  

You will compose a poem for them, which they will read, read it to you, and then ask you to explain to them. 

Even for the littlest reasons, love can stop.

Or love can end for no apparent reason.