Talk of The Devil

Got to say, Cass, it beggars belief. Here’s me, sixty-two years of age, sacrificed everything, devoted my entire life to my family and now my kids won’t speak to me.

I know, that’s awful, Moll… Milk and two?

Yeah, like I’m the She Devil herself… Remember that’s how the sequel started? My children will not speak to me…?

I remember Book Club, and when your Bernice came down from the bedroom having drawn you with horns and forked tail… Here, careful, think it’s a bit on the hot side…

I blame their father, of course. Did his worst once I’d left. Poisoned their minds against me. Did I ever tell you what he did?

The dog…?

Yeah, the dog… Dirty bastard…

So, you tried going round to your Jamie’s, right? And you took the present…?

Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying. Slammed the door right in my face. Said I wasn’t fit to be a grandma. Of course, she was there, sticking her oar in, all la-di-bloody-da, like she’s forgotten the gutter she came from...

She…?

Yeah, you know, that thing he married. Still swear she was pregnant before he even went near her. I mean you just need to take a look at the kids. Archie’s nothing like that first one, and he’s nothing like my Jamie… Hang on, got a picture here on my phone… See…? Now what do you think…?

I… er… don’t know… Too hard to tell…

Hard to tell? Just look at the difference in the colour of their skins. And she did have it off with that Black guy. Had it from the horse's mother's - the elder nag's mouth.

Hmm… The boy just looks tanned to me, and weren’t they on holiday when this was taken? They were bound to be keeping the baby in the shade.

Okay… So just you watch this then. The video Jamie sent me a couple of Christmases ago before they started getting in his ear. The greed of the boy, the cheek! All those presents and still he asks if he’s got any more. And there’s her laughing away like it’s the most hilarious thing ever… No, shush, listen, wait and you’ll hear it… There… ‘Should have called him Oliver…’ Hear that…? Yeah…? And don’t give me Dickens and Twist when that’s what her ex was called…

Hmm, still doesn’t…

What? You think I’m being paranoid? You and him, and his bloody father, and my daughters too, if I’m still allowed to call them that. Could be dying of hunger and they wouldn’t give me so much as a crumb off their plates… Like I’m standing there last year on the doorstep, and talk about Scrooge before the ghosts came… Don’t mind if I help myself to a couple of biscuits, do you, Cass? And you couldn’t just give this a blast in the microwave. Ten seconds should do it. Never could be doing with coffee that’s practically cold…

So, the girls, they’ve not forgiven you either?

Oh, you’d think they would have, wouldn’t you? Not that there’s anything to forgive. Still married to their pig of a father, wasn’t I? Only right I should get the house and whatever else he left. What did they think, that I wouldn’t contest the will? Selfish bitches the pair of them, and Jamie’s no better. Didn’t think I’d raised a bunch of narcissists… Whoa! Ten seconds, I said… Ach, forget it, just make me another…

So, you’re back for good then? You’ve moved in already?

Mm-hm, got back last week. Did plan to stick around, but don’t see much point now, be just as well selling up. Not that anyone with a shred of decency would want to live there these days… Bit less milk, Cass, if you wouldn’t mind… Those people upstairs, oh my god, they’re Satanists, I tell you, I know the signs. That thing that they do with their fingers – like this to their heads – Patrick did that as well. Code, see… And they’ve got a dog, so I dread to think…

Oh, but surely, Moll… Besides, you don’t know that Patrick actually interfered with…

Ha! Got to you too, did he? Was good at that, he was, making out I was going nuts so people wouldn’t believe me. Well, I know what I saw, and them upstairs don’t fool me either… I said two teaspoons, Cass, not two halves… They’re Dutch, you know…

Dutch…?

Oh yes, thump, thump, thump, back and forth, back and forth, right above me, no matter what room I'm in… Oh, just give the sugar here, and the spoon as well, I’ll give it a proper stir… Like babies crawl and children jump, they say, like I’d just rocked up from Planet Zog. Well, no way did mine ever make a racket like that, but then I didn’t put my lot in clogs… Ew, how long have you had these biscuits, Cass? They do seem a little bit soft… And I’ll tell you something else, they know when I go to the toilet. I flush, they flush, so don’t you tell me they’re not listening, trying to scare me, trying drive me out… Don’t believe me? Well, I’ll record them doing it, and then you see if you don’t change your mind. I’ll do that for next time.

Next time…?

Yes, now that I’m back, I thought we could make this a regular thing. Figured we could start the book club up again. You and me, and Helen and Evelyn and Sue - I know she’s still around - and maybe you could give me Helen and Evelyn’s numbers?

Er, not sure that I’ve got them, Moll. Besides, I hardly see them these days, all a bit busy, you know, but I’ll mention it if I do… Coffee okay this time?

Hmm, I was actually going to ask you about Sue. Just wondering if she’s gone half blind as well as half deaf. Was right behind her at the tills at M&S and she looked right through me, like she didn’t know I was there.

Ach, her mind was probably elsewhere. I know, I’ve done it myself, and with my own daughters.

Well, maybe… See her much?

Sure, we meet up for coffee. Mind, last time I nearly choked with what she said. You know how she’s so loud? Well, she only went and called herself a slapper. Had everyone in the café turning their heads.

Oh wow. Wasn’t in her Sally Army uniform, was she?

No, not this time. But imagine that! Sue of all folk thinking that about herself.

Well, she was a bit, wasn’t she? Remember Adam?

What? Adam the first, the last, the only? Come on, now…

And for a while there she was forever in the pubs…

Yeah, selling The War Cry…

Hmm, Friday maybe, a different story on Saturday, then back to The Mission on Sunday all repentant and banging away on her tambourine… Tried to get my Patrick into all that as well, and your Dave if I remember rightly. Not you, not me, only ever the men. In fact, Patrick went along with her once or twice and he was the biggest atheist going… Ah, now I come to think of it, she did that gesture as well… See, see, now what did I tell you…? Read all about it somewhere – no, not The Satanic Verses, something else. I’ll look it out for you…

Moll, I’m really not into…

Anyway, how’s the family? That was your Freya who answered the door wasn’t it? She not recognise me or what? Shot off before I could even say ‘hi’ and her and my Belinda used to be such good friends.

Yeah, they were, but turns out it was more... em...

Oh, I know she was shy and wouldn’t ever stay the night at ours, would always much rather Belinda came here, but what is she now? Twenty-five, twenty-six…?

Been a long time, though, Moll…

So, you’re saying she doesn’t remember? All those Book Club Thursdays? All the kids having a whale of a time up in her room…?

Oh no, she does. In fact, we were only just talking about you the other day. She and Belinda came round and we were watching She Dev----- Hey, how’s about a bit of fruit cake with that coffee, Moll?