Colors

      Like trees, when we are young, our colors are shiny, enchanting, and bright to the eye. Like trees, as we age, our colors grow dark and pale, weak and fragile. Like all trees, we are different and unique. We all change colors as seasons pass and, like trees, we all eventually vanish or maybe last for eternity.

Today I turned 31. I cannot recall exactly when have my colors started to fade. I die every night when I close my eyes to sleep. Death is dark and infinite. I am born again every morning, but how can I stop my colors from dying away? Trees are big and mighty while some are small and dull. My life has never looked greener than it is at this moment, but why do I feel blue?

       Some people are colorblind; I wish I were not able to recognize colors as well. Perhaps then I could rejoice every time I see my colors bright, endlessly young, and forever changing. Trees and colors have all the truths in them if only we behold them with our inner eyes. I only know that I see my colors vivid again when I look into your eyes­—only your eyes make my soul feel young again! 

      My name is Bisan, a librarian and a book lover from Palestine. I was named after the beautiful Palestinian city of Bisan located in northern Gaza. The name means “the little white flower.” I have been living in the United States of America with my family for twenty years now. We were forced to leave our green city like most Palestinians. English is my second language and the language I choose to use when I write. Yes, I am also a writer, but I have not had any work published yet. I believe that reading and writing—or words—have the world’s strongest influence on humanity. A single word can cause a lifelong damage or an everlasting happiness. It is a gigantic responsibility that people are unaware of, using words to convey feelings, wage wars, save lives and break hearts.

      When the last leaf in my mediocre tree falls, I will cease to exist, to my great relief! I believe the color of death to be white, for nothing is more peaceful and calmer. No more words uttered nor heard. Maybe that is why I always choose not to speak and pray people won’t notice I exist and that they will ignore me. I only observe and see how everyone around me is constantly changing their colors as they use their magical tool, words. I withheld from this game long ago—no more words leave me unless it is necessary. That is why many people mistake me for a mute. I like to think of my words repeatedly before I open my mouth. I feel safe and protected when I am alone in my room holding a pen and pouring my daily wrestling thoughts onto paper. However, preventing people from talking to me is another dilemma.

      Tiffany, my friend and co-worker, is a work of art. She is all I ever wanted to become one day. Bold dark brown eyes and shiny locks of golden curly hair. Her colors are always bright like the sun and pleasant, too. She has a calming disposition and a reassuring smile that makes me feel loved and appreciated even when I withdraw from all our conversations—and I often do! Tiffany once said she feels comforted by my friendship.

“You are a very good listener, Bisan,” she remarked. I smiled and looked away, feeling ashamed rather than contented. That day, I had a pile of things I wanted to share with her. I thought and tried to part my lips to tell her some of my stories too. I braved my words out but all I said was…The words were shattered as they left my brain and I swallowed them with bitterness and unease. I sometimes get irritated by my inability to speak so I choose not to try again. I cannot call Tiffany my best friend, but she calls me Sis. I guess she thinks we are close. She tells me everything about her life. If she ever comes to me with a problem, she usually finds the answer.

“You’re right Bisan, I know now what to do,” she would say.

I nod and feel proud. I help her without uttering a word. It is like magic. We are soul friends; we make each other feel better!

Tiffany and I have worked together at the National Library of Connecticut for three years. I have never seen her outside the walls of our cozy library nor do I know her family, friends or lovers. She’s the most outgoing person I’ve ever seen. I admire her fearless and wild personality. She’s everything I ever wanted to be and I’m thankful she adds some colors to my dull life.

It is on this day, the 14^th August, 2009 that Tiffany asked me an unusual question in a random tone, as if she does this every day!

“What are you up to, girl? Any plans for tonight?”

“No, I am good!” I mumbled,

“Lucy got a new set of tarot cards delivered from Romania, care for a read?” I am positive that she saw me reading a book about tarot reading two days ago.

“Maybe…” I muttered

“Friday at 1 p.m. The guys will meet us there.”

“What guys?” I asked. Tiffany didn’t hear my question.

The tarot reader, Lucy, lived in a neighbourhood called The Blue Side. It was a small neighbourhood where all the buildings were painted in a dazzling blue color. Being more of an introvert, it was my first time to hear about this area even though it is quite close to where I live. Tiffany wore her tanned jeans and a colorful blouse that had a brilliant floury pattern. Her face was beaming with excitement as she stepped into the small building. I, on the other side, stumbled down beside her as I fought a strong presentiment. My heart was throbbing faster the more we approached our destination. Dizziness kicked in and I knew at once that my anxieties were waking up too. It was time to stop, take a deep breath and run! Or go on…

“I shouldn’t have come!” I said to myself. I looked at Tiffany’s brilliant white teeth and her rosy lips as she spoke, “This is it, it’s on the third floor. Let’s go!”

I nodded and followed her. We climbed up the stairs, which gave my anxiety another reason to decide that I could not breathe. I stopped again and panted for breath. Tiffany looked worried but I motioned her to get moving and forced my lungs to open and let some air in. My stomach clenched and my legs ached. I was ready to collapse in the nearest corner. Tiffany rang the doorbell and the most exotic person opened the door. Dressed in yellow, green, and orange, smoking a large blue pipe, Lucy welcomed us with a wide grin. Her teeth were stained with cheap red lipstick and her hair reminded me of Medusa’s deadly serpents. She looked deeply into my eyes and asked, “Would you like some tea?”

“No,” I replied. I faked a smile and fought the urge to pass out. At this moment, I genuinely wished for nothing but to be back in my room, in my bed, cuddling with my soft cold pillow and feeling safe again. However, it was time to draw my six cards and there was no way out.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I listened to Lucy’s shaky, deep voice as she told me to think of what I wanted the most right now, my fears and my dreams. I could only think of one thing: my fears! I live in fear: the fear of losing the people I love, the fear of facing the world every morning, the fear of missing the bus or forgetting my purse at home, the fear of misspelling a word and the fear of change. The list is long and infinite… I opened my eyes and with trembling hands, I reached out for the first card following it by five more.

        Lucy flipped the first card and gasped,

 “It’s the devil card...interesting.”

She flipped the other 5 cards and examined them with attentive eyes. She cleared her throat and said, “Well, yours is one of the most interesting set of cards but everything will be okay though, sweet girl.”

“The first card you have here is the devil card, but you don’t need to worry. It certainly does not mean something bad like death or that you will wind up in hell. We can take it as a warning of something that might take over your life, something negative and sinister. It could be a toxic relationship or an addiction. Let us imagine you standing on the edge of a great big black hole, this card is your warning, your shout-out. Be careful not to fall!”

Lucy’s eyes were fixed on the cards as she moved to the second one.

“The reversed moon card is more related to your mental health, whatever worries or anxieties you have, it is time to challenge them. Don’t fall into the abyss. Here’s your second warning: negativity and self-doubt are lurking like shadows following you and blocking your vision. Life has plenty of beautiful colors; why choose grey when you can enjoy some rainbow?”

As Lucy moved on to the third card, I had to stop her. I wasn’t ready to hear an explanation yet. I could see it clearly, a tower burning and figures jumping out of it, chaos, screams, terror, and a black night sky. My heart pounded faster than ever! “Can you stop for a second?” I asked.

Lucy’s big round eyes stared at me, then Tiffany interrupted, “Are you okay?”

I could not reply, I closed my eyes, leaned back and gave in! Darkness…a few minutes later, I opened my eyes.

I saw nothing. Just an empty black void with no one and nothing but me sitting on my chair. Everything around me had dissolved into nothingness. What happened?

I called out, “Tiffany?” Somehow the words were inaudible to me.

I looked around and my heart sank, I have never been attacked with such fear as I have felt at this moment. I got up and started moving. There was a faint yellow light flickering from a distance, like a candlelight. I walked towards it. It grew bigger as I approached. It started to grow into a familiar object. It was a golden mirror. What I saw in the mirror was not me, it was Tiffany! I reached out and touched Tiffany’s face. My reflection did the same! I had no idea what was happening. I was not myself anymore. I looked at my hands, arms, legs, hair, clothes, and everything in me, it was Tiffany’s.

I thought, “I must be dreaming… how do I get up?” I looked around me again, but it was just darkness, deep and confining darkness.

A long time ago, when I was a child, Mom used to sing me a lullaby every night when she put me in bed. I developed a strong attachment to this lullaby and got used to singing it to myself whenever fear or panic overcome me. That night, I heard this song playing somewhere; it grew louder and louder. It was my voice. Next, I felt a strong grip shaking my arm and calling my name, “Tiffany… are you ok?”

I opened my eyes, and I was back on the chair in Lucy’s living room with the cards lying on the table, untouched. Lucy looked worried, “Are you okay sweetheart? Can I get you a drink??”

I could not answer. I looked for Tiffany, but she was not here.

“Where is Tiffany?” I asked.

“You’re here sweetie, no worries!”

“Tiffany left me!” I cried.

“Who’s Tiffany? Aren’t you Tiffany? Nobody’s here, it’s just you and me! If you’re not feeling well, I can call a cab for you.” Lucy said.

I got up and ran towards the door, I had to find a mirror as soon as possible. I dashed toward home. I could see myself wearing Tiffany’s clothes and I knew the answer already, but I needed to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating. What should I tell my parents? How are they going to react when a strange girl breaks into their house? Is she going to believe that I am Bisan? What kind of dark magic did Lucy inflict upon us? Where is Tiffany?

Hundreds of questions were running through my head, faster than my legs and stronger than my heartbeat. As I turned the door handle and walked in, I prayed no one would notice my arrival. Unfortunately, mom and dad were there, they both looked at me and smiled.

“Lunch is ready!” mom said.

“Are you okay? Did you have fun with your friends honey?” Dad asked.

I nodded and went to my room; I was puzzled and hopeful. Am I back?

My small mirror was staring back at me, and I knew it was time to do it, to take a peek. I closed my eyes and…darkness…I am still Tiffany!

Darkness…

“Mom…!” I shrieked with fear.

Mom rushed in and saw terror on Tiffany’s face. “What is the matter?” she exclaimed.

“Who am I? Can’t you see that I look different?” I screamed.

“Calm down dear. What do you mean you look different? Tell me what happened today?”

In a quivery voice and through long pauses of frightful tears I told mom everything.

She was strangely quiet.

Have you been taking your medicine lately?” She asked.

“What medicine? I am not sick? What are you talking about?” I cried.

“Tiffany dear, there is no Bisan, it has always been you, you’re my baby girl, Tiffany. Bisan doesn’t exist, she doesn’t work with you at the library and she’s definitely not you!”

“She only lives in your head. You’ve always mentioned her to us as your friend but today is the first time you get that confused. Bisan is just a phantom of your own making. Now your mind needs to rest, you have had a long day. I think you should not go out with Lucy again. Perhaps shopping stresses you out. Try to get some sleep and I’m sure you’ll wake up feeling yourself again.” She blinked back a tear and left the room.

I closed my eyes…

Darkness…

Colors define us. Everyone has their own unique color. At that moment I felt colorless. I tried to think through what mom just told me, but darkness was obscuring my brain. Who am I? Who is Lucy? Where is Tiffany?

Saturday, 15^th August 2009

I woke up today feeling heavy at heart. I tried to move my legs, but they were immobilized. I will stay in bed today. I had a horrible nightmare last night. I was reading a book about tarot cards and fell asleep through it. I dreamt that Lucy did some sort of magic on Tiffany and I. Tiffany disappeared while I became Tiffany. How crazy! Today is a new day. I checked my mirror first thing, and I was Bisan again. Now I am ready to stay in and do some writing.

There is a knock on the door and mom entered, “Good morning Tiffany!”

My phone vibrated with a text message from Bisan, It read, “I am never going out with you again!”

Darkness…