A Shadow of Myself

I look up from my book, craning my neck to peer around a large stack of papers in front of me. Tiny dust motes float around in the air, like golden dust as sunlight shines through an open window. 

There’s pounding at the door again, louder this time; they must be impatient. I hold my breath, unmoving, hoping that they will just go away.

They don’t.

“Ajani! If you don’t open this door in the next five seconds, I swear I will feed you to the first dragon I see!” someone yells, their voice accompanied by more pounding on the door, making me fear that the door might fall apart the next time they bang on it.

With a groan, I set the story I was reading to the side on a large tower of books and slowly make my way to the door. Weaving among the piles of books, my feet make no noise as I walk, silent as always. 

Silent like a shadow.

I open the door, revealing the Destroyer of Peaceful Reading Time, also known as Vali’ilas, or Vali. She stands on the little platform in front of the door of my tree house, with hands on her hips, red hair tied back in a messy bun on the back of her head and green eyes squinted with a mock glare. Freckles dot her face, as abundant as her energy. In the blink of an eye, her glare transforms into a smile as she yanks me into a hug.

“What is it?’ I ask as I accept the embrace. “Why were you so determined to break down the door and disturb me from my quiet time?”

“Because!” she said, as if it answered all questions. Vali stepped back and studied me, her arms across her chest as her expression changed again to one of amusement. “Is that what you were planning on wearing to the Challenge?’ she laughed.

“What’s wrong with this?” I ask, looking down at myself. I’m wearing a simple gray tunic, pants, and boots, with a golden bracelet around my right wrist. The bracelet is something that I always have near me; I love to feel the golden vines that wrap around my wrist, with blue-goldstone gems for petals. It was given to me a long time ago, and I have kept it with me ever since. Ever since I first learned what I was.

Vali raises an eyebrow, a feat which I have yet to master. “An elf only takes the Challenge once in their entire life, and you know how long our lives are.” Indefinite, I think. “Which is why,” Vali continues, “you need to take this seriously. Your entire life is based on the outcome of this, and if you don’t do well, everything after is affected.”

Nobody has ever failed the Challenge. Sure, there have been plenty who had low scores, but nobody fails. I remember Fahren, who took the Challenge a long time ago. He had the lowest score of anybody in all of the Challenge’s history, and that has followed him ever since. Some people look down at him as if they’re better than him, I’ve noticed, but most others don’t see him any differently than before. He’s more sad, though. Less likely to laugh or smile.

“The Challenge is only meant to see if you can join the Talons,” I remind her, feeling a spike of nervousness. “Being a Talon isn’t for everyone.”

“True,” Vali says, locking her gaze with mine. “But you want to be one. No, don’t try to hide it. You’ve read every book about dragons that exists. You know practically everything about them. You draw them every chance you get, and I know that they’re always in your head.”

I don’t answer, although I want to scream “yes!”

“I know you better than you think,” Vali says, her expression softening into a small smile. “You can’t hide anything from me, you know.”

I almost burst out laughing. You have no idea, Vali. You have no idea what I’ve hidden from everyone. There are things about me that you would never want to know. Things inside of me that would scare you. I’m not who you think I am.

Vali reaches for my hand and I give it to her, hesitantly. My thoughts have burnt another hole inside of me. They add more weight to my back, more force to the headache that always seems to be there. I need to be alone, I think, resisting the urge to rub my temples. I need to let out the monster before it poisons me further.

But Vali doesn’t let me leave. She’s incredibly stubborn this way. She pulls me to the side of the platform and points down at the ladder. “You will go get ready for the Challenge, and you will not purposely get a low score. You will take that Challenge, and you will do well so that you can become a Talon. You will not get a low score on purpose. I know you. You’re afraid of being noticed, and as a Talon you will definitely get noticed. But you want to be a Talon more than anything, and I will not let your fears of being seen keep you from your dreams.” 

And so, I followed Vali back to the village, listening to her talk about how we would join the Talons together and pick our dragons and go explore in search of more dragons. But I listened only partly, for my headache was increasing, pounding inside my head as if begging to be let out. I knew that I had to do it, and soon, but there now was not the time.

Vali and I returned to the village, which seemed cheerful with its lanterns hung across the streets and above doorways. The houses were built of pale stone and dark wood, with lots of windows to let in the sunlight that shone through the gaps in the tree canopy above. The streets were lined with large trees that spread their branches high, supporting many tree houses connected by bridges. Lanterns hung on chains from the branches high above, lighting up the entire village with a golden light. Flowers and bushes grew everywhere; along the streets, in gardens, and in flower boxes. 

This was one of the smaller villages in Endar, the Elvish lands, and the only one I had ever known. The village was built on a slope, with lots of intricate stairwells that never seemed to end. Tiny paths wove amongst the houses and tree trunks, each one seeming like a secret passage that only you knew of. Lined with fences covered in vines, they had all been adorned with lanterns, which lit up the pathways with their flickering flames.

Vali and I took many of these passages, climbing up many flights of stairs underneath arches covered in ivy as we made our way to our houses. We were neighbors, our homes only separated by a small grove of trees that had once been a garden, but was now left untended and free to us. 

Upon reaching the garden, I turn to Vali and hug her, our typical way of saying good-bye. Before I could turn away, though, Vali gripped both my hands in hers and stared me in the eyes. 

“You are going to get ready for the Challenge,” she told me, and I squirmed under her gaze. “You will meet me in one hour in the garden, then we will go together to the Challenge and when we return, we will both be Talons. Got it?”

I nod despite the hesitation in my head, and then we go our separate ways. She would go home, to where her parents and three siblings would be waiting to wish her luck at the Challenge. And I would go to my home, where my mother would be the only one to hug me and wish me good luck. But that was normal. Father had left a long time ago; he didn’t stay long after realizing what I was.

I arrived early to the garden, ahead of schedule. I had changed quickly into a gray-blue tunic and black pants, which Vali would probably protest about. I smile, picturing the bright colors that she always wears. Vali isn’t afraid of being noticed. But for me, it’s something that I have to do. Nobody can know who I really am.

I wince as my headache pounds against my head again, demanding to be let out. Okay, okay. But just for a moment, I tell it.

I close my eyes, leaning against a tree trunk. The garden is hidden from most people by a natural wall of rock that keeps people on the street from looking in. This is one of the only places where I feel safe to stop pretending who I am.

Alright. Let’s get this over with.

I take the key in my mind and unlock the gate, stepping back to release the shadows. They pour from behind the barriers I placed in my mind, flooding out of the gateway and into me.

My eyes turn black, and although I can’t see it, I can feel it. The shadows cover my eyes, showing me a world of darkness.

I shake my head, trying to dislodge the shadows, but I know that it’s hopeless. Many times I have tried to rid myself of the darkness inside, but it refuses to leave. I take a deep breath, trying to stay calm. The darkness is almost comforting, once you get used to it. It’s a place of emptiness, where you can be whoever you want and there’s nobody to see you.

Let us Create, the darkness whispers in my mind, and I can feel its shadows spread through me, gathering mainly in my mind and my fingertips. Let us Create something in all this emptiness. Let us fill it with our magic, and watch it grow.

I succumb, knowing all too well the pain of trying to resist. I have tried resisting it every time before, but now I am tired of the pain, and I wonder what will happen if I agree, if I “Create.”

My hands rise, filled with the dark power. I feel calmer here, knowing that I can put anything that I want in this realm of darkness. For it is my realm, and I control everything in it. Shadows pour from my fingertips as I picture an image in my mind. The shadows transform, turning gold and blue as they swirl before me. I take a step back, watching in awe as a figure is formed from the shadowmagic.

A dark blue dragon stands before me, with gold scales scattered across its body like fireflies in the night sky. Their silver eyes stare into my own and for a moment I feel the connection between us, the bond that ties us together. Then their wings stretch out as their front leg moves forward, and it takes me a moment to realize that it is bowing to me.

I tentatively reach out a hand and stroke its head, from the tiny horn at the tip of its snout to the horns in the back of its head. Their scales are smooth, I notice, as I run my hand down its neck. 

See, the darkness whispered in my head. We can Create so much beauty. You fear this power, and yet it is your own power. Nobody controls it except for you. 

I don’t answer, too busy stroking the dragon's neck. It gives a little purring sound, not something you’d expect from a dragon. There’s a tiny spark of happiness inside of me. Maybe I don’t need to fear this magic. It’s a part of me, after all. Maybe it’s time I accept it.

“Ajani?”

I blink, expecting the shadows to disappear from my eyes. But they don’t. And yet I can see the village, the garden, and . . . Vali.

She’s standing in front of me, her eyes wide. For some reason my mind fixates on the fact that she’s changed. Her tunic is a bright, lime green, while her pants are light brown now. But her eyes drag me back, and I freeze.

“I saw you,” she whispers, pointing to me. “You were surrounded by swirling shadows, and then there was a dragon, and you were petting it and then it saw me and startled and flew away . . .” Her voice trails off, and then she abruptly sits down on the ground.

I sit down as well, hugging my knees to my chest. I take a deep breath, not knowing how to start, but for the first time in a long time, knowing what I need to do.

“Look,” I said, extending one of my hands to her. The shadows are still there at my fingertips, turning them black, for I did not lock the darkness back up. I don’t think that I want to anymore. Vali stares at my hands with a mixture of awe and fear.

“That’s shadowmagic,” she tells me, but even so she reaches out with a finger and touches one of my own. “That’s forbidden. Everybody knows it’s evil magic, dark magic.”

I nod, then hesitate and shake my head. “That’s what I thought too. But I’ve had this magic ever since I was born, and I’m not evil, am I?” When I get no response, I take this as confirmation that I am not evil. “I feared my magic, and tried to destroy it. When that didn’t work, I tried to lock it away. And that worked for a little while, until it started giving me headaches that just got worse and worse. But I think that if I just accept it as my magic, if I accept that it is a part of me, then maybe I can learn to live with it.”

Vali looks at me and says, “your eyes are black. Why? Is that part of the curse? Is this why you don’t like to be noticed, why you try to hide from everyone?”

“My eyes are black because that is the color they turn when I use my magic. Maybe now that I have accepted it, it’ll stay that way. I really don't know. This is the first time I’ve done this. It’s the first time I’ve Created something with my magic. Usually I just let myself into the shadows for a while, to ease the headaches.” I hesitate, then ask, “do you think I’m evil? That the darkness has corrupted me? Because I don’t think that it has. I think that it is just a part of who I am now.”

Vali gave me a small smile. “I don’t think you’re evil. And if you believe that this magic is good, I don’t see how I can argue, seeing as how I’m not the one with the magic. I trust you, Ajani. You’re my best friend. And if you want me to keep this a secret, I will. I’ll do it for you, forever.”

I take her hand in mine. “Thank you, Vali. I don’t know if I want to keep this a secret. I think I need time to figure it all out. But thank you for trusting me.”

Vali’s smile grew stronger, and she stands, pulling me to my feet. “Let’s go take the Challenge. Then you can have your dragon, and we can join the Talon together.

As we made our way out of the garden hand in hand, I felt a spark of something inside of me. Some sort of connection . . .

“There’s your dragon,” Vali cried, pointing to a blue and gold speck far above the treetops, just visible beyond the leaves.

I smile. “They’re waiting for me. They’re waiting for me to take the test so that I can decide when to share my secret.”

“The secret that you can create pretty much anything you want out of shadows,” Vali clarified, raising an eyebrow.

“Yep,” I answered, watching shadows pour from my fingers and into my palm. “How could this be anything but good magic?”

I hand her the rose that formed in my palm, its petals still rippling with shadowmagic beneath the surface. Vali took it, a grin spreading across her face. 

“Thanks, Ajani,” she said. “You’re pretty perfect the way you are, did you know that? I can’t believe how much I didn’t see. I like you the way you are. I like your true self.”

And for the first time since forever, I liked the real me, not the shadow of myself I used to be.