Lilacs Past Bloom

When Pan, like the Greek god, was in pursuit, she didn’t hide like the woodland nymph, Syrinx. She let him lead her on, and when it had passed, she surprisingly felt only a sliver of remorse. Instead of turning into a lilac bush- modestly concealing herself- she exposed the truest angles of her being to one who was showering her in superficial love. Yet it was love that fed her excitement, so she took what was within reach. All along, she thought she had found the right man so quickly and easily. But it was too quick and much too forced. 

He told her to be confident, so she was. That night, they were all playing cards; Her, this man called Peter, and some others in their 20’s. (She was the youngest present, and it could definitely be said she had already seen too much.) The exact card game they were playing was called “BS.” He was calling “BS” more than her. On the rare occasion when someone would call BS on her, most of the time they would be slapped right back in the face by the irony of my truth. She really did hate lying. She wanted to speak the truth in a way so blatant, it shocked people. How easy it was, however, to lie to herself. 

Earlier that day, when she was leaving to meet Peter at church, she paused before leaving her bedroom. A white lilac sat in a vase, beckoning to her with its pure beauty and intoxicating perfume. She took one last whiff before leaving. 

At church, their pastor spoke about letting God wreck their lives for His glory; yes, Peter went to church with her. The pastor spoke about prioritizing their habits and cleaning out our dusty, spiritual closets. About being vulnerable in front of God, and letting Him in to clean every nook and cranny of their souls. ‘That innocence is only one life change away; it is restorable,’ he said. She looked at this man she had claimed in front of the entire church, as if he were her prize threatening to escape. Was the pastor speaking directly to them? Did he somehow know what they were doing? 

Later, when her father asked why she wasn’t home when night had turned to day, she concocted a lie like she had in the past as a vain attempt to preserve her pride. She had lied as a child, and now she had lied as an adult. Living under her father’s roof came with its own difficulties as she began the risky experiment of dipping her toes into the steaming hot pool of freedom. The line between freedom and disaster was as thin as a spider’s web. She was a weak-willed fly, walking right into a beautifully deceiving web. 

Now her father was the one calling BS on her, but not in the context of a card game. It made her feel tainted, yet liberated; shriveled, yet justified. What is one to do when they feel both confidence and guilt at once? 

The next day, she saw those cursed plants everywhere. All around town in people’s yards, purple lilac bushes were in full bloom. At their passionate peak. Gorgeous and admirable, yes, but she had never noticed them so much before, and the very fact she couldn’t help but notice them got on her nerves. 

Pan told her to be confident, so she was, except now the lilacs taunted her. 

Just two months later, the lilacs were far past their blooming time, but she had bloomed once again. Many times within that span of time she had broken down, withered without water, only for God to pour into her thirsty soul again. It’s after the fact that she rebloomed. She was a slightly different color this time around, with a new lesson ingrained within her being. 

Things had ended with Peter, and for some reason a part of her saw it coming. According to him, they had never even begun dating. She was just a side hobby for him, one of his less-urgent priorities in life. There were many signs, looking back, that he had fleeting eyes for someone else too. There were also many signs that she had jumped headfirst into that relationship, giving her all without getting his all in return. He made her feel as if she was expecting too much out of their relationship, when all she was looking for was black and white answers. 

At the same time, she quit her job because her work environment was disorganized chaos; both this event and breaking up with Peter were both as out-of-the-blue as they were predictable. Logic told her that neither situation was sustainable or guaranteed to be long-lasting. There were so many subtle signs and red flags which made those last, uncomfortable discussions make sense. The confessions that she couldn’t keep pretending to date someone who couldn’t even keep both eyes on her, and that she couldn’t keep working for a business that didn’t have her needs in mind. She could only hope she made the right decisions. Whether her choices were right or wrong, all she could do was reflect and learn from her experiences… except, based on the relief she felt after letting go of two unhealthy things at once, she no longer felt weighed down. Now she had a better idea of what she was looking for in the future. 

When the days came when she missed certain things about the past, especially that toxic, fake love, she’d bring it up to her friends and family. Her best friend at the time told her it’s okay to want things for herself and no one else. Her therapist said it’s healthy to establish early boundaries. Her mom implied that neither Peter nor her former boss were doing her any favors in the long run. This was a fundamental time in her discovery of self-worth.

So why did she still feel selfish and guilty for wanting things for herself? It’s because she so deeply believed that hurting people’s feelings by speaking her mind was disrespectful and unwarranted. It’s because she wanted to treat others with kindness even if they didn’t deserve it, even if it cost her her own mental well-being. Because she was afraid of being a failure in someone’s eyes because she couldn’t meet their expectations. 

She never thought such a handsome face would make her feel violated; however, the feeling of freedom she felt now was unmatched.