A City Full of Stolen Lights

We stare over the Danube, looking at all the flickering lights that stick to the castle and parliament, like speckles of stardust that got stuck on their structures. 

¨All those lights were once fireflies,¨ she says.

¨But the people wanted to own all the light in the world so they tied them up. As a punishment these fireflies started to reveal in the dark of night all the worst parts that humans are trying to hide.¨ 

She’s wearing the watch she took off the man I stabbed in the underground pass of Blaha Lujza Ter. He was spitting up blood and asked for palinka as she took it off of his wrist. A bright, glowing ball disappeared into her pocket.

¨You are starting to smell a bit,¨ she says as she looks at me. Her yellow Sou’wester is pulled all over her hair and stars are sewn on her overcoat.  

¨Well, I haven’t had a shower for a while,¨ I reply as I hand her the bottle of palinka. 

¨You will get one soon enough. Let’s just first get this thing out of the way,¨  

She leans over the railing, looking down on a boat that floats by underneath us. Colorful lights are dancing over the deck, a pumping bass makes the loud roars from inside bounce out of the windows and into the night.

‘The amount of light is growing every day. We can’t waste too much time.’  

She scraped me off the streets as I was laying in my sleeping bag at Deak Ter. As every day drunk people were staggering by. Singing, flirting, and kissing... She squatted down next to me.

¨How long have you been here?¨

Her hand was on my knee. It was warm and soft, glowing through to my skin. She smelled of incense, a scent I knew from when I still shared beds with soft-voiced women who spoke about universal love while stroking my chest. 

¨For a while. You know how it goes, you hold a can in your hand and wander through the city. Years later you still hold the drink, but now without a home to return to and clothes that are falling apart.¨

She looked at me with a smile, her head slightly tilted.

¨Your eyes look alive, though, I still see a deep sadness in them.¨

‘Well, when the drink disappeared, life returned I guess. Just not fully the same.’

I took a cigarette from her pack and blew the smoke between the passing crowds. 

¨I can offer you a home if you don’t mind the cockroaches.¨

I smiled at her.

¨I would like that.¨

She put her head on my shoulder and held my hand. Together we watched the world of floating shoes as a few meters away from us, the Budapest Eye kept on turning.

¨My name is Nyx by the way.¨

¨How did it feel?¨ she asks as we walk along the Danube. She jumps over the dock lines as if she’s playing jump rope with the river cruisers that are tied to the dock.

¨It was difficult. I have seen many people die in the streets, but it was different. Just piles of clothes and sleeping bags that stayed motionless for longer than usual. It’s harder when you have to look it in the eyes.¨

She stops hopping and looks back at me. 

¨Yeah, the first time is the most impactful. It sticks.¨

As I catch up with her she grabs my hand. Cars are sliding by above our heads and in front of us, there’s a pipe spewing water from the spas into the Danube, like it’s whispering to the river about the scents and shapes of the bodies it has sensed.

¨I love those.¨ she says as she points at a docked cruise ship. I look at all the stacked up compartments of light where silhouettes show the different lives that are happening behind the windows. She stares into the distance.  

¨You know, right after the curb in the river, when the city stops, there are no lights left. I have been dreaming about that many times, eternally floating, with nothing to see around but the things I have gathered to surround myself with. Like a shooting star traveling through an endless space.¨

I sit down on one of the bollards and light a cigarette. 

¨I hope you won’t mind if I don’t join you. I’m not in the mood for daydreaming,¨

¨I can understand. It’s hard, but it needed to happen. Sometimes you need the quick, hard pain to get rid of the nagging, smaller kind that’s just about bearable.¨ she says as she kisses me on the cheek. 

¨You have beautiful eyes, but there’s still too much shadow in them.¨

She looks up at the Gellert hill. 

¨But don’t worry, we will fix it.¨

¨There’s just one more step to go.¨

Her house looked like a squat, all the windows boarded up and concrete floors with rubble and glass everywhere. I got my own mattress in the corner of the room, surrounded by paintings of dark shapes disappearing into bodies. We lived amongst candlelight and the slurred screams of arguing couples.

¨So. where does all this sadness in your pretty eyes really come from?¨

I watched the grains of charcoal rain drawn from the drawing she was making, while I ate the beans she cooked for me on her gas ring. 

¨I don’t know, can’t someone simply be born with sadness? Isn’t that just part of being human?¨

She looked up from the paper for a second. 

¨Sure, sadness is a part of life, but with you it’s different. It’s shadow I see. There can’t be a shadow from the light, without something in the way.¨

I scraped the last beans out of the can, preparing it for its next life as an ashtray. 

¨There’s nothing special about me. I’m just a fuck up like all the others you’ll find on the streets.¨

She put the drawing down and smiled at me.

¨You really don’t want to go there, do you?¨

¨Go where?! Stop fucking analyzing me, I hate that.¨

She rolled up the drawing and put it in her backpack as she stood up.

¨Come with me.¨

The room had black walls and wooden floorboards bulged up from the damp air. There was nothing inside but a ball of brightly shining light in the center. I watched her as she squatted down next to it. 

¨You know, a long, long time ago, when only the days were bright and there was nothing but darkness during the night, I was in love with a boy. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, with the brightest shining eyes. I couldn’t stop staring at him. Every night it pained my heart to spend all this time not being able to see him, until one day I decided I wanted to look at him always and forever. I stole a star from the sky to illuminate the room we shared, so I would never have to take my eyes away from him. The gods found out and cursed me to dwell in the darkest corners of humanity, having to bring shadows to all the lights they would steal.¨

She petted the ball of light, turned around, and walked back to me. From the backpack, she handed me the drawing. There, on the paper, I saw a face that very much resembled mine. Though, the lines were deeper, the eyes more raw and animalistic with deep bags underneath.

¨You know my father?’ I…¨

She smiled and took my hand.

¨What if I told you I know where to find him.¨

¨Are you ready,¨ she asks 

I nod as I follow her up the hill. There are tourists speaking in different languages in front of us, dragging themselves up under the orange street lanterns. Her eyes seem focussed now, staring straight ahead. Orange and yellow leaves lay mushed on the pathway. As we turn left, we cross a plateau with a view over the city. I can hear the echoes of life waving over us. I see the bridges, trams passing on each site, and thousands of buildings guarded by the hills that surround them. 

¨Come,¨ she says as we arrive at a rock with a door in the middle. On each side, there are flickering candles. She takes one from the wooden box next to the installation and lights it next to the others. Then she steps through the door. 

We are inside the cave, surrounded by rock. The air is damp, mixed with the smell of incense. There are chairs facing an altar in some of the corners. We go through a little hole in the wall that leads to a flight of stairs full of rock dust. There’s a small room at the end of it, a red circle is drawn in the middle. The rocky walls are of an almost illuminating grey.

¨Please sit down and put the knife in the middle,¨

I nod, bend over and throw it. The bloody blade bounces before it lands. From her pocket, she takes a radiating ball that throws a black and purple light on the walls. It’s the soul of my father that she puts in the middle of the circle. She looks me right in my eyes as she lays the watch next to it. The arms start to move backward, releasing all the moments of his life they have eaten.

Noises fill the room, echoing between the walls, starting like whispers but getting louder and louder. Screams, yelling, the sound of things falling down… A crying child. As it fills up the room, shadows start to appear on the wall, three generations of abuse circling around us. Dancing to the rhythm of the violent sounds, running after each other. Round and round and round. I see the face of my grandfather in them, of my father, and then, the smallest one running all the way in the front, my own. 

I look at her. She holds my hand smiling and nods that I should watch. I take a deep breath and let the sound wash over me, explode inside my head. I look the grimacing faces straight in the eyes. Then, as the shine of my father’s soul faints, the shadows start to disappear into the darkness. They will find their way out of this cave and become shadows to the lights people have stolen.