Southern Snow

SOUTHERN SNOW

Shan stared mindlessly out of the living room window when large white flakes began falling from the sky. That couldn’t be snow! It never, well almost never, snowed here. When snow was even a consideration there was a ridiculous amount of news coverage, but there hadn’t been any. This was oddly surreal.

Lost in thought, Shan mindlessly watched the white flakes fall when shaken alert by JC’s squeals of excitement. When he saw what Shan saw he burst out the door to see for himself. After just a few minutes JC bursts back in the door shouting “it’s snowing, it’s snowing, come outside momma!”

Obligatorily rising and stepping out into the cold but beautiful site, Shan was still a little stunned. She had been in the middle of praying for answers to questions she wasn’t even sure what they were. Since her dad, JC’s grandpa, had died they both seemed a little lost, especially Shan. Her dad had been such a source of strength and assurance even when he wasn’t there physically. Now the thrill of things seemed to fall flat, even with miraculous snow.

Years earlier, the last time there had been snow this far south, there were hopeful predictions, but the weather forecasters were leery of proclaiming they would see anything other than a flurry, if even that. When it did begin to fall, and was reported even heavier landfall not too far north, Shan bundled them up, packed them in the car and headed towards “real snowfall”. This was another “adventure” which is what Shan would announce before they set off to whatever activity or travel they were in route to. JC would giggle and squeal with excitement in agreement, shouting “adventure” with his little fist in the air.

As they drove, the flakes became larger and larger with every mile making Shan increasingly cautious. Once there was solid white coverage and the roads were becoming more crooked, Shan saw a gas station/BBQ diner which was common the further into the country one found themselves. This, she thought, would make a good pitstop and determine what her next move would be.

JC was thrilled as long as he could experience snow, the roads looked like they may be worse if they kept going so Shan determined this was as good a place as any to have their adventure. There was a wide-open field behind the store with lots of snow. JC & Shan began catching snowflakes with their tongues, having snowball fights and Shan showed JC how to roll snow to make a snowman. This was the saddest, puniest three-foot snow man one ever saw, but JC beamed with pride and laughter, and as a result Shan’s heart was full! They had the absolute best time with nothing at all.

She reflected on what was once one of the happiest memories together, but now all she could remember is the fact they were supposed to drive to North Carolina to see dad that weekend. They

didn’t make it because she chickened out. Shan was afraid to get stuck in the snow on the road or worse slide off the road into a ditch. There was snow expected all the way north to dad’s home and she was terrified of driving on it, especially with a four-year-old in tow. Despite all of this, she always regretted not making the trip. Now that he was gone, it was all she could think about.

What is it about grief that buries all the beautiful memories while simultaneously unearthing every detail of regret? she mused. This dichotomy seems inevitable, yet to think so implies apathy. Grief sucks the very life out of those left living while crippling the ones around them that need them the most. The lies we believe “we could have,” “we should have” and that had we, anything of significance would have changed, torment the living.

Shan lingered in her thoughts. What was that song? Oh yes, “Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.” Shan’s heart felt like it was physically breaking though she tried to carry on as usual. Life didn’t stop just because one’s life was falling apart. She could see the world around her spinning as she attempted to catch hold of something to catapult her back to normal. “Snap out of it!” she would tell herself. “It’s freaking snowing!” “Play!” “Your son needs you!!” she screamed at herself in her head. This only took

her deeper as guilt weighed down grief into despair.

“Shan be present!” She snapped out of her daze enough to run around picking up what she could of the light dusting of snow in attempts to make snowballs. She and JC exchanged a few, with most of his making contact. Though he laughed he was aware of the distance in her eyes, the forced excitement. Eventually Shan returned to the chair feigning the cold as an excuse. JC continued to run around outside in the snow, taking creative pictures of random objects covered in the white icy curtain.

When he tired of being out alone, he came in to share his pictures with Shan in an unveiled attempt to engage her. Hesitantly she looked at the pictures, but she didn’t see random objects covered in white. She saw a magical wonderland through the eyes of her child. Warmth filled her heart, and she wrapped her arms around JC and held on. His innocence and sincerity reached down as if to open the door of the dark room that she was becoming comfortable in. She remembered the sun, the beautiful memories, and understood that it would all be beautiful again, one day.

The snow continued to fall as they snuggled together keeping each other warm both literally and figuratively. As JC went through his pictures explaining what he had captured in each one, they laughed

as they made up stories about each image like they had done so many times before. Tears of joy streamed down Shan’s face as she listened to her beautiful boy laugh and tell wild stories. She hugged

him tighter, so very grateful for this southern snow.

By T.S. Onderdonk