A Different Type of Christmas

Laura was sitting on the couch at 2 a.m. Christmas morning, snuggling her newborn baby and hoping he didn’t wake up again. She was parched so she grabbed her water bottle to take a drink. Yuck! She thought. She was so exhausted she accidentally drank her baby’s bottle instead of her water.  She was struggling to get in the Christmas spirit. Laura, her husband, Chris, and their baby, Remy, were supposed to visit family later in the day. But if Laura was being honest, she didn’t feel like being with anyone. She wished someone could watch her baby for a couple days so she could have time to herself.

Laura had heard about the wonderful feeling moms have after they have their baby. How they feel overjoyed and full of love for their baby right away. Laura had a long, traumatic labor. When the nurse put the baby in her arms, she felt depleted of all her energy. She just wanted to sleep, but she had to try nursing her baby. Then, it was more frustrating and stressful when Remy wouldn’t latch; after struggling trying to breastfeed for an hour, Laura asked Chris to give Remy a bottle so she could sleep.  When they finally made it home, Laura tried nursing again, but Remy still wouldn’t latch. She decided to try pumping, but she would pump for an hour and only get a few drops of milk. She hated herself for switching to formula so quickly, she felt like she had failed as a mom.

Laura suddenly realized she hadn’t gotten her baby a Christmas present, or a first Christmas outfit. Oh no, she thought, I forgot my baby’s first Christmas. Tears started streaming down her face. It didn’t matter that Remy had only been born a month before, that she hadn’t slept more than two hours in a row since then.  I don’t know how to be a mom, she thought.

At 9 a.m. Chris came out into the living room and woke Laura up. 

“What time is it?” she asked groggily.

“9:00.”

“What? I got 7 hours of sleep? That’s amazing!” Her face sank as she realized, “Oh, it’s because I was holding him.”

“I’ll hold him for a little bit, would you like to take a shower or a nap?”

Laura was relieved she finally had enough energy to take a shower. As the hot water cascaded onto her back, she wished she could stay in the shower forever, or at least, for a couple hours.  She hadn’t had a moment to herself in an entire month. She just wanted a day away from Remy. But she couldn’t repeat these thoughts out loud to anyone, not even her husband. She felt guilty even thinking them. We tried for two years to get pregnant, I should be enjoying my baby and wanting to hold him every second of the day. When she got out of the shower, she realized her face was streaked with tears. Then she heard Remy crying.

As Laura came out of the bathroom, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Chris replied, “He’s had a bottle, and I changed his diaper, I think he might just want his mom.”

Laura sighed and took Remy from Chris. She sat down on the couch and snuggled Remy in her arms, he stopped crying immediately. Laura had been trying not to cry in front of her husband, but she couldn’t hold it in anymore. Laura shoulders started shaking, tears flowed from her eyes, and she couldn’t stop them. 

“What’s wrong?” Chris asked.

“I just want time to myself, but I feel like a horrible mom for thinking this. I haven’t gotten any sleep. That is the first shower I’ve taken in forever. I forgot to get Remy a Christmas present and an outfit. Maybe, I’m not cut out to be a mom.”

Chris was flabbergasted, “Ummm, he’s only a month old. He doesn’t care about getting a Christmas present.”

“That’s not the point!” Laura yelled, feeling frustrated.

Chris had no idea what to say, “Um, I’ll get the diaper bag and bottles ready to go to your parents’ house.”

“Fine.” Laura felt so upset with her husband, but she couldn’t even explain why. He doesn’t understand how I’m feeling, she thought. But she realized she didn’t even understand how she was feeling.

             Later that day, Laura and Chris arrived at her parents’ house. Remy was their first grandchild.

“Hi, Merry Christmas! Can I hold Remy?” Laura’s mom asked.

As Laura handed Remy to her mother, she felt simultaneously relieved and hurt. Her mom hadn’t even hugged her. She had only cared about seeing the baby. What is wrong with me? Laura thought, why am I acting like a toddler who isn’t the center of attention anymore?

Laura went through the rest of the visit in a daze. She vaguely remembered opening presents and she was pretty sure she got in more fights with her husband over trivial things. But as she fell asleep in the passenger seat on the way home, she barely remembered anything that had happened that day.

The next day, Laura’s friend, Emily, called. Emily’s first child had just turned one in July.

“How was Remy’s first Christmas?” Emily asked.

“Good,” Laura tried not to cry… again.

“Is everything okay, Laura?”

Laura couldn’t help it, she burst into tears and started talking extremely fast, “I’m feeling like a horrible mom, I couldn’t breastfeed, I’m poisoning my baby with formula, I want time to myself, but I feel so guilty, I’m supposed to want to be with my baby all the time. Chris and I are fighting all the time, and I don’t know how to fix any of this.” She finally took a breath as she sniffled.

“Laura, it’s okay, I felt like that after I had Autumn, too.”

“Really? I’m not a horrible person?”

“Of course not, it’s common to feel like that after your first baby. I’m not a doctor so I’m not diagnosing you, but I had Postpartum Depression, and it sounds like you might, too. Talking to a therapist and taking medication helped me immensely. It’s helped me learn it’s okay to not love my baby right away and to be frustrated that my whole life has changed.  After that, I truly started to enjoy my daughter.”

Laura felt relieved, “Thanks, oh, sorry, how was your Christmas?”

When Laura got off the phone, she thought about finding a therapist, but she was worried about what people would think about her. Laura put off finding one for a few weeks, but she eventually found one.  Her therapist helped her with all her conflicting emotions and gave her strategies for talking with her husband about how she was feeling.

***One Year Later ***

It was 7 a.m. and Chris and Laura were sitting on the floor with Remy around the Christmas tree.  Laura gave him the first ball she had wrapped unable to contain her excitement. After Remy opened it- with some help- he was full of joy and started playing with it. 

“Wait,” Laura laughed, “You have more presents.”

Laura and Chris opened the rest of the balls they had wrapped and gave them to Remy. He was surprised with every new ball. Chris and Laura looked at each other happily. Remy was walking as he held onto the couch, then he suddenly let go of it.

As Remy walked toward his parents, Laura exclaimed, “Look, he took his first steps!”

At Laura’s next therapist appointment she was so excited she forgot to breathe, “Remy took his first steps on Christmas! He’s making block towers!  I made friends with another mom!  Remy slept through the night last night!” It was at that moment, Laura realized she finally found joy in being a mom.