The Train Wrecked Life

Still foggy headed, he rubbed the remnants of sleep from his right eye as he amused himself with what could be. You see, Josh loved to daydream about how his life could be in a parallel universe – since he did not much like the one he was living.

He peered out of the train window and saw a green field with many lights and bases… just like he ran as a kid. He was unstoppable on the field. Yes, on the field, he was a winner, but at home… that was a different story. Behind closed doors, his dad would berate him, beat him with a belt, and chase him around the house taunting him with his ferociously obnoxious breath. At home, he was told that he was “no good.” Josh tried not to believe it, but day in and day out there were the constant reminders.

For relief, Josh would create friends and fantasies in his mind about what life could be. When his dad would yell at him and tell him that no one would want to be friends with someone like him… Josh believed it. His experiences did not mirror the words of his dad, David, but that did not matter. The power in his dad’s words were all that stuck. “Josh is no good! Josh is no good! Josh is no good!”

Thinking back, Josh knew that his father’s berating held a gift within it… a silver lining. He took those words “no good” and used them for motivation to prove his dad wrong. This would both catapult his life and career, but not without regrets. That little boy became a man, but he never left that feeling of being no good behind him – not fully anyway.

As Josh was starting to remember the darkest of days, the train signaled that it was about to make a stop. This was not just any stop though; this was just three stops away from his childhood hometown. As he looked at the bustling outside of the train window, he wondered if he should jump off and buy a new ticket back to New York. It had been years since he was home, and he was worried of what the experience might do to his already failing health. The stress of the big life he was living in New York had taken a toll on him already. He feared this experience might just awaken those ugly dormant cells. He could not go through another bout of cancer.

And why would he put himself through all of this for the one man who made him feel less worthy than the beloved family dog? His mother told him this will be the last time that he can see his father, but his father does not even know him. You see, Josh joined the military just out of high school in order to get as far away from his dad as he could and as fast as possible. It worked, and Josh never looked back. Josh was doing everything within his power to stay far away and very busy. Yes, he would send his mom gifts during special holidays, but he never asked to speak to his dad.

His dad would never admit that he was proud of Josh and that he was doing something great for our country, because he did not make it in the military himself. It was his dad’s dream to be in the military, but he was rejected for medical reasons. So, not only did Josh’s dad show disappointment for his son all of his life, but he had a disdain for the direction Josh was taking in his life – the dream the father could never have for himself. Josh’s dad never even showed up or communicated with Josh for his graduation from the Seal team or any recognition. This left an emptiness in Josh that could not be filled by anyone or anything.

The doors closed just as Josh was snapping himself out of his mind rant. He closed his eyes hoping to get a little more shut eye and reset his day thinking of something else, anything else. Josh was halfway awake and half asleep as he was dreaming of his dad throwing the ball to him in their front yard. They were laughing and played until dark without stopping. Josh woke up with a big smile on his face as the train came to a bit of a hard stop at the next station.

Josh looked at the sign for this station and remembered when he was just a teenager and dated a girl from this town. He would ride the train back and forth many times a week. These memories made his heart full, but later tightness would fill his chest. Here he is at 39 years of age and all alone. He loved the idea of romance and love as a teen, but the war and the emotional abuse of David would kill any chances of love for Josh. Every time he would get close to someone, he would remember that he is “no good” for anyone and run away from any chance at a good life.

The train started back up, so Josh started to think about his mother and how she loved decorating and all of the parties this time of year. The Christmas season was her favorite. The next stop came all too fast, as he replayed memories of his mom making the most of the little money they had at Christmas by making him gifts from what she would find on the side of the road, in the woods, or from leftover materials from David’s construction business. She was quite the crafter!

He is hoping that he can grab a box of her cookies to take home with him, since he has never tasted any cookie so delicious as his mom’s cookies. She is a special lady, but with David around, he cannot spend any quality moments. So, he never tried. I am sure she understands, as she used to cry for hours after David and Josh would have a run in together. She would sneak cookies to him with hot cocoa in the wintertime, just to pick his spirits back up.

Johnson City was his last stop. The train station was filled with many posters for the upcoming Festival of Lights, which is where he had his first kiss. He started to wonder why all of these feelings were popping up around loves of the past. He was fine on his own. He did not need any drama or complications that a relationship would bring. He thought, they will just divorce me anyway, because I am not good enough to be a husband and father. I would be terrible at it, because my own dad was terrible and that is all I know.

As Josh came to realize he was now at his stop, he questioned why he allowed his father to get his wish to see him. His father did not contribute anything to his life, so why would he even want to see or talk to me, he wondered. He questioned himself over and over, until he almost missed his chance to get off of the train. Well, mistake or not, he is now here and needs to carry out his mission and move on. This will be the last time he will set foot in this town.

Josh wandered through the town, which showed very little change from his childhood. He even thought it was déjà vu for a few minutes. He knew exactly where to go to see his dad, a place where he saw him last… in the park by their old house. This is where David spent all of his days, staring and feeding the birds.

As he slowly came up to the bench where his father was seated, his heart was pounding and he felt a little faint. This was the hardest moment he could remember, despite all of his military deployments. To face his father again after all of these years was more than he thought he could bare, but he knew he had to face his demons to get past them. That day, his demons were with his father. As he sat next to David, he heard his faint voice.

David muttered “Josh, I won’t be around much longer. I am sure you can tell that by what you see. I am basically on my death bed, so here is my deathbed confession…” Josh bowed his head and rested on his hands as he heard the words from David’s mouth. David was frail and his voice resembled his body. After he finished sharing his story with Josh, his body slumped down onto the bench. Josh got up and laid him across the bench with Josh’s jacket holding his head.

As Josh was about to respond to the whispered words David shared, David’s head fell towards the opposite side. David was at rest. Josh cried out, but his words were not heard by David any longer. He was gone. Josh cried and told David he was forgiven. David’s last words and death made Josh feel numbness in his legs, as he fell out from under himself to the ground. Bystanders called for medic services, but Josh needed so much more than medics in that moment.

Josh did not know, but the man who raised him, David, was not his birth father. His dad was actually his mother’s childhood sweetheart who died in the war while they were still teenagers. David was always in love with Margaret, so he married her quickly after the passing of Josh’s father, Tom. He was also friends with Tom, so he rushed into rescue Margaret from public scrutiny and the hard reality of being a single mom. Things went well in the beginning, but life took an ugly toll in David’s life.

David and Margaret tried to have their own children, but after 3 miscarriages and 1 still birth, they realized children were not in the cards for them. This was a devastating blow to David, as he knew he would never father a child of his own with his love. Josh became a constant reminder to David that he could not have his dream, children of his own… so the resentment grew. He took it all out on Josh, and now, here in his deathbed confession at the park, he had to confess and ask for forgiveness. He used Josh’s love for his mother to make sure Josh would come to his side to share his secret before passing on.

Josh heard the words and ran back to the train, ignoring the need to see his mom through her loss. He chose to run away again – as far and fast as possible, never looking back. Josh was so confused, but also relieved and elated to hear he was not the son of David. He was also saddened and angry. So many emotions were flowing through him, but the most prominent was his need to run away hard and fast from his past. He flew to and through the train station on his way back to his home… all in under 2 hours.

Based upon Josh’s terrible childhood, John decided not to have children of his own. Now, as the train doors closed, he realized that his father did not reject him… it was only a man. His father was a hero… and in Heaven. His lineage is not stained with darkness, evil, and arrogance like that of David. ”Wow!” Josh thought as he relaxed into his seat. “I am the son of a hero, not a drunken snake,” Josh yelled out. Truly, he was the son of a true hero. This is why he was winning all along, not because he was proving the world wrong. It was because he had it within him all along to win!

Now, knowing who his father really is, Josh had a better of knowing who Josh is without the questions of the past. He decided he is lovable and should carry on the good within him and his ancestors for future generations. As he had this very thought, he looked up to see the most beautiful woman he has ever seen… blue-green eyes, flowing dark brown hair, red lips, and the most beautiful smile directed towards him.

He gazed in her eyes and felt home. He knew… he just knew, she is a gift from his father. She was the one… the one he waited for, the one he would marry and who would carry his children. She would be his rock, and they would have a beautiful life together – full of joy and love! It was now his time to be a father and he would resemble that of his true father in heaven. Life is good. Life is blessed.