“BUGGER”!

“BUGGER”!

I had ambitions in my life, but I never cared for fame, I was too shy to put myself ‘under the spotlight’, which was sometimes the negative side of being famous, and I never craved for that lifestyle, but if my ambitions, to gain the wealth that I desired, were to be achieved, then I would have to endure being,‘that man’, under the spotlight to be able to afford the independence that I desired.

I was offered a promotion at work, which did not involve the creativity that my preference in a career had favoured, and my years of training to become a graphic designer would require the sacrifice in losing this healthy countryside, and beachside, and I wasn’t prepared to do that, and this new position didn’t offer any opportunities to design, BUT it would have the enticing opportunity to earn more money, and earning more money was favoured if I wanted to fulfil my dreams, and so I decided to accept the opportunity to progress, and after ‘going through the process’ of previously meeting my future wife, who eventually became my fiancee, and now, with an improved salary, I felt that it was time to purchase a house for my Fiancee and I, and that would be a very stressful time!

We viewed several houses, and when we eventually chose the preferred property, and after completing the purchase, we left the comfort, the stressless security, and the warmth from our parents houses, and we entered the world with estate agencies, mortgage providers and solicitors in it, and after all of the paperwork had been completed I just had to organise a removal vehicle, to transport the few possessions that we had saved money up for and purchased over the last couple of years, and organising haulage companies was definitely not required, because it only involved the temporary loan of a work van, but it did require several trips!

After experiencing those stressful times, we soon settled in, but the interior needed to be completely decorated, because the previous owner obviously had an obsession with the colour pink (“every room was the same shade of pink, even the bathroom suite was pink, and it was like living inside a mass of “pink candy floss”, and for several months I was an extremely busy boy, and I would sometimes have to work extra hours to complete the payments for those irritating, and regular household bills!

The promotion at work, also had a lot of responsibility, instead of the creativity that I had originally desired before, but the incentive to earn more money would be very favourable, and earning the extra money would soon become a necessity, especially if I wanted to maintain and afford this success, independence, and to fulfil my aims!

The new promotion would also involve the excitement of travel, and our yearly, or twice yearly visits to our head office, that were in Jersey, in the Channel Islands, that were in the English Channel, and I would also travel to trade shows to meet jewellery suppliers.

More pressure would, unfortunately, ‘come my way’, with my very first stock check, which had previous good results, and so I personally felt that I had this extra challenge, to do the same and it would involve extended hours, and then meanwhile during the early moments of when we were settling down in our new home, came the sad announcement that my Nan had just died!

Obviously my Mum wanted to go to her mum’s funeral, which was hundreds of miles away, but she didn’t want to leave her little dogs at home to fend for themselves, and so she asked me if I could look after them, ‘to which’ I replied, “of course we’ll look after them, they’ll be no trouble I’m sure , they’re only little puppies still”!

So, with no obstacles in her way, my Mum would be travelling up to London for her Mum’s funeral, and I would look after those little, and innocent dogs!

One of the pups was certainly vocal, and barked at an annoyingly constant rate, and the continual high volume was difficult to ignore, and it would continue all through the night to deny the continuation of the restful sleep that I, so desperately, required!

New job, new home, and after we had completed the purchase of our home, there would be many essential and electrical items that needed to be purchased, and after we started to settle down we would have the temporary, and the sudden addition of two lively, little puppy dogs, and my personal health was not personally considered because I was only 24 years old, and I could handle this pressure……. “couldn’t I”?

After work, and after completing just one of this evenings dog walks, I could finally adjourn for the evening, and the sight of my bed was so relieving, and I would soon be asleep, which wouldn’t last long, because when the sky was black still, one of those dogs was just constantly barking again, and its volume was too loud and constant to ignore, and I got out of bed so quickly that I wobbled, and then rocked on the spot, before I collapsed backwards onto the bed, and my fiancee, who was also awoken by the constant barking was quite concerned by my state, and I eventually went to see what the bellowing dogs, or ‘the one dog in particular’, actually wanted (“it was always the same dog that constantly barked, and I felt sympathy for the good and quiet dog, who would gradually become a ‘nervous wreck’, and he lost his, ‘once immaculate’, short black fur until he would gradually became ‘thread-bare”!)

I bought these pedigree Daschund puppies as a gift for my mum to enjoy, but the brown puppy, that constantly barked, nearly gave my mum a nervous breakdown”!!!

On one particular morning, I was awake purposely early, in my attempt to tire them out, and I took them out for a long walk, and a run in the local playing field, and then I returned home from work during my lunch hour to give them another run in the local playing field again, and then I returned to work to regain the importance that I had gained, and then after work I would walk the dogs again, and after they had been fed, I took them out for ‘yet another’ run around the park, and then, finally for the day, I took them out for a little walk around the estate, before we all went to bed, and I was shattered, and I was convinced that the dogs would sleep through the night, I knew that I would if I had the chance, but in the early hours, when the sky was still black, I was awoken with the annoying melody of “Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap Yap, and multiply those sounds by about three hundred”!

The very vocal brown dog, who was probably responsible for the black dog’s loss of his fine coat of hair, would eventually come- out with bare patches ‘at first’, before the fur on his back eventually all disappeared, and I blame that dog for my gradual hair loss also! With ‘hindsight’ I should have just bought my Mum the black Daschund, but I was persuaded, by the seller, that buying two puppies out of the same litter of would eradicate many ‘issues’, and so I did!

Anyway, despite this deflection away from my work, my first ever stock check was a success, which for a big store, that had a lot of stock, was extremely pleasing and released a pressure valve in my head, which, with the combination of moving into our new home, and then decorating it, sorting out the overgrown garden, and then maintaining it, as well as managing the household bills, would all increase the pressure in my brain, and something ‘had to give’, and that something would come through the rupture of a weak vein in my brain(‘a Venous Malformation’), which was at the base of the brain, and I would certainly get the rest that I required, because I was in a comatose state for a month, which would be followed with days of long and deep sleep, and the ‘after affects’ would include the loss of my speech, the frustration of my short-term memory being negatively affected, the loss of my artistic abilities (“that I had gained through many tough times at college”) and you could now compare my artwork with a six year old’s work, but most importantly it took away my freedom, with the loss of my ability to walk, and to run around, and that loss of freedom would soon be extended, with the loss of my driving license, because I had a very confusing, and permanent double vision, and this sudden deterioration in my eyesight was a negative issue, and with my slow reaction times, it would mean the loss of my driving license, and that was terribly upsetting, because I had worked very hard during my weekends off away from college to save up for the driving lessons, the driving tests, and then for a car, and then its regular upkeep and maintenance! - “silly me, I nearly forgot to mention that the car also needed to be insured, and taxed ‘as well”!

The loss of my license was also another loss of freedom, because I was not mobile, and living in a rural area would mean that I’d be mostly housebound- “Freedom is often unappreciated, taken for granted, and it sometimes comes with an expense”!

Success would be to conquer this, and I would desperately try, but ‘little did I know, at that time’, that my voice was totally inaudible, so for a couple of days I was wasting my time talking to visitors, because they would have been subjected to my monotone grunts! I was on a ventilator, at that time, ‘as well’, but I couldn’t feel the thick tube that went into my throat, so when I did attempt to talk to people, then you could argue that it wasn’t my breath that I wasting!

As I looked down the bed, all I could see was tubes, and wires that were all attached to illuminating machines, and I desperately thought that “this doesn’t look good”, and “is it pointless trying to improve”?

Every night that it was ‘lights-out’, which signalled the ending of another day, I would fear closing my eyes and never waking up again! Seeing daylight again would be such a big relief, but the visible evidence would be another reminder of how serious my current condition was, and there were no signs of any improvement!

My left side was without any sensation or movement, and as I lay in my bed, it felt like I had been sawn in half(“length wise”), and I feared that this current state would only get worse, and not better, which was very, very concerning!

But, like a Superhero, my assigned physiotherapist would appear, who must have thought “I’ve got an awful lot of work to do here”, but it would be a day of success, and the success made was worth more than money, as I would regain some feeling in my left leg, and in my left arm, but we still had a lot of physical therapy to do, and I would learn, ‘once again’, that success was not just about winning a prize!

Later on in the early evening, when visitors were allowed to come in, I would see my Fiancée, and then my parents, and I was to learn that I had taken out a small insurance policy, that was a necessary requirement for gaining a mortgage, and in 1993 it was the equivalent of 2 years wages, and there would also be a small monthly payment, but I cared nothing for money or wealth, because although I could now afford nice modern items, a new car perhaps, and go abroad on holiday, I physically couldn’t use them, or get the true benefit from them, and the condition of my health would, ‘by far, outweigh’ any potential wealth; I can hear some people shout “yes but if you had lots of money, then you could afford to employ a chauffeur, or a chef, or a personal nurse and trainer, you could even pay for your own adaptions, but I wanted to gradually conquer my disabilities, and not to allow/rely upon others to help me, and to exempt me from requiring adaptations!

There were a few occasions when I would feel low, and I would get depressed, but I would see many people, who were in a worse condition than me, who have been successful in achieving many great things, and I still had my eyes(“dare I mention that I have permanent double vision now”?)and I still have the ability to hear(“although I’m deaf in one ear”!), and I have all of my limbs, and so, I wanted to gain more independence, and to use them in a helpful way, and I felt very grateful for what I had, and for the further progress that I made, and those patients who were worse off than me, I felt great sympathy for.

My years of physiotherapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and physical exercise would continue to this day, and would extend my life, which, was estimated to expire by my very late forties, or my mid fifties, but I read up on my condition when I was still in my ‘late’ twenties, and my lifetime could be extended by taking daily exercise, which I have abided by for 34 years, so far, and I have recently celebrated my 57th birthday, but despite successfully conquering the physical and mental challenges, and despite some people being around me, I would often feel very very lonely, sometimes vulnerable and exploited, and there would be many times when I have just wanted to give up, especially when I learnt, after shattering my hip and thigh bone, that I now have Osteoporosis!

So, what have I learnt in this lifetime, especially ‘after seeing’ the common use of violence, crime and dishonesty, racism, drug abuse(“which would become my brothers downfall, at the relatively young age of 47 years”!) and his, ‘self prescribed’ usage, was mostly to temporarily conquer his depression!

I would also suffer with depression, because I would often dwell on my disappointing existence, but I would very quickly realise that there are many people who are worse off than me, and if the proximity of the ruptured vein was millimetres, or even a millimetre across, then it could have been fatal, and my disabilities could be much worse?

During my rehabilitation period, that had, so far, consumed almost four and a half years of my life I got married to my ‘long time’ girlfriend and fiancee, who stayed by my side, and in the year after we got married, my wife had our Son, who was slightly premature, but he is now a six foot gym fanatic!

To my physiotherapists, my recovery from being a skinny, mute and bed ridden body of a young man, to the man, that would get down the aisle in a church, bring up a child, and complete both household and garden duties must seem unbelievable, and I have always been very grateful for the extension of this lifetime, despite the hip fracture and my diagnosis of Osteoporosis.

‘On face value’, or from your first visual impression of my cosy little home and garden, you might get the impression that the owner has been a successful person, but despite my good success in recovery, my positive transformation of my physique, being able to walk indoors with the aid from a walking frame, refreshing my mind with learning to read and write again(“but not remembering when to use an apostrophe, or a comma or a full stop etc”!) and being able to wash and dress myself, didn’t make me feel proud or successful, it would mean that I’m returning to ‘some kind’ of normality, and I would become aware again of the World that I lived in, and how vulnerable and easily exploited I now was, and I would be a regular target for scammers, who cared nothing about your situation, and instead saw me as an easy and vulnerable target!

I feel quite successful though, because I have a loving wife of almost 28 years, and a loving Son of nearly 27 years, and we extended, and then adapted our original bungalow.

I was apparently born with this weak vein in the brain, and despite many visits to the Doctors with sickening migraines was deemed to be unworthy of further investigation, and for many years I had a ‘ticking time bomb’ in my head, and recalling the situations that I had been in, would mean that I would often think about the moments when instant death would have occurred, and perhaps if I was aware of this life-threatening situation my aims in life would have been much different, and seeking success might not of been a consideration, and I might have opted for simple success on a daily basis!

When I eventually leave this world, I will leave it believing that it was quite a successful life, and that I didn’t do anything bad to leave a stain on this lifetime, and I suppose that I had successes, and positive achievements, which to some people would mean “that he tried returning to normality”!

My many years in hospital would have daily challenges, from learning to wash yourself(“and here I say ‘thank God for the invention of liquid soap’, because my attempts at gripping and successfully using a bar of soap would be a comical experience!

Success would be seeing that some people have read, and maybe liked my true story, and I will also enjoy reading about other writers definitions of success.

Take care x.