You've Got Mail

Dear Myra,

Ok, so let me start off by saying, I know this is going to sound very strange. Like, very strange… but please. Hear me out.

No, this isn’t spam. It isn’t a solicitation e-mail. This is a real person reaching out to you. You don’t know me… Well, but then, you kind of do.

Kind of.

But not really.

Ok.

So.

I’m you.

Umm ok, maybe I should’ve held off on that part until a little further down, but then you might’ve clicked off, in thinking it might be spam or a solicitation!!

But yeah, it’s true. I am you.

You in another…

Universe? Dimension? Multidimensional space? Some other reality?

Something. Basically another version of you.

I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. And I need your help. That’s why I’m writing this.

I’m sure you haven’t known about me, but I’ve known about you all my life, both the idea of you—of all of you—and what your mere existing means for me. I’ve had no choice.

And I’ve honestly tried to let you be—to not interrupt your life or your sense of… sanity?

I’d vowed long ago that if you were to ever find out about me, it wouldn’t be from me. Didn’t need that kind of stress on my conscience…on top of everything else.

So. The “everything else.”

The reason I had to eventually break that vow to myself is because I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve become desperate. At my wit’s end. And you’re literally the only one who can do something about it.

Let me explain.

So, you know all of your decisions in your life, no matter how big or small? Well, basically, the exact opposite…happens in mine. Like, everything.

For example, I bet you don’t have kids, right? Yeah, well, I have 13 and have been pregnant about seven other times. Pretty much since as soon as I start being able to.

You’ve probably mostly been single? I’ve been married…multiple times. And the happiness factor has left a whole wheat field to be desired—I’m sure quite different from your blissfully single life.

You’ve mostly been employed—probably even gainfully employed? I’ve mostly been…yeah, you get it.

I mean, thank goodness I’ve mostly been married to men with jobs, but still. Would be nice to be able to hold one down, myself, for longer than two seconds, ya’ know what I mean? And to have—to experience—an actual career, not just random odd gigs meant for teenagers or old folks who thought they were done with work but had to go back.

Which I’m sure you can’t relate to.

I’m sure you’ve been in one consistent, fulfilling career—doing work you’re passionate about—all along, huh?

Or even if it wasn’t just one career, I’m sure it was several that were all respectable, grown-up jobs—professions—with more than enough income to take care of yourself.

And I’m guessing you’ve had a good group of long, strong friendships?

Yeah, well, it seems nearly impossible for me to even make—let alone, keep—friends.

I don’t even think I can say I have strong associates.

And you have at least one dog, right?

Probably just one because I have SIX CATS.

SIX, Myra. SIX.

Oh, and 10 fish, three rattlesnakes, and a turtle.

How did I end up with all of them, you ask?! I DON’T KNOW. YOU WANTED A DOG, SO I GET SIX CATS AND SOME FISH AND REPTILES. THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS.

Don’t ask me. Ask God.

And while you’re at it, ask him why you probably live in a big, fancy city, with tons of diverse people and cool and interesting things to do and see.

While I live in… Worms, Nebraska.

Yeah, you read it right: Worms.

Nebraska.

Myra, you’re killing me.

Actually, can you kill me? Is that a thing?

I might have to look into that, but in the meantime, can we, say…

Switch for a little while?

What are your dating prospects looking like these days? Any chance you’ll be in a relationship anytime soon? Or, better yet, have a kid or two—so I can stop having them? Am I really going to have to wait until we hit menopause?!

And honestly, being married wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t so miserable. When you’re feeling okay, happy, and at peace while single, which clearly must be pretty much all the time, guess what the opposite of that is for me in whatever marriage I’m in at the moment?

I swear my “ever after” seems like never after.

So, if you could either find someone to be with, and honestly, it doesn’t even matter if you’re happy in it—which, no offense, but it’d really help me out if you weren’t, but hell, even if you are…if you could just find somebody. I mean, at this point, I feel like, if I’m going to be miserable anyway, I might as well and would rather be alone.

But with our current setup, I have to be miserable and tethered to somebody?! Talk about a double life sentence :-/

So, yeah, if you could either find somebody, anybody… or…if you insist on continuing to be perpetually single (*cue eye roll*), could you just, like, umm… kinda not like it so much? Like, maybe want a little more to be in a relationship, so the opposite of that will translate over to me and my life?

And maybe go try a nice little small town—maybe Worms, Nebraska—for a bit? Maybe for the rest of your life?

Maybe take a sabbatical from work—from your career—for a little while? I think you deserve a break.

And that husband you’re gonna get can help pay for it!

If you insist on work, I mean… Tramlaw’s—oh, wait I think you call it “Walmart” in your world. Yeah, Walmart’s always hiring. I’m sure your big fancy city has a Walmart—probably several—in it, doesn’t it?

Can you work in the actual store, and not corporate, for a change?

And do you really need what I’m assuming is a ton of friends? Can we maybe cut that down a lil’, to one or two? Better yet, maybe spend more time by yourself, all-around?

Well, other than your future husband and kids, of course :)

Oh, and if you could just kinda sit in front of the TV, enjoying some frozen Salisbury steaks and red punch with lots of sugar, and not move around so much, that’d really help me out, too.

Finally, it’d be nice to have my furry one actually be excited to see me come home for a change…so, if you can do something about that, too, that’d be… Just great.

Oh, and fyi, I’m only able to send this to you because of this new technology they’ve developed in our world called U 2 U. Since you all don’t have yet it—and probably never will—of course we’re able to.

About the only silver lining in this whole “opposite” thing. I’m sure you’d be amazed at what all else we have.

Which, most, I’ll never get to use, see, or do because I’m stuck in Worms, NEBRASKA.

Anyway, so, here I am. Able to communicate with you by e-mail. But the one condition to use it is that we can only contact our “other”—that’s what we call you here—one time. It breaks some kind of natural and ethical laws, so that’s the one caveat that allows it.

So, I’m trying to make it count!!!

Please don’t let it be for nothing. Girl, I am over here suffering.

Need more examples? Let’s see…

You got your Master’s? I barely finished elementary school. Thank God my neighbor’s “other”’s a complete idiot—she was able to write this for me.

And speaking of writing, I’m sure you’re really creative. I literally can’t draw a straight line.

You’ve traveled the world? I’m have loved and been able to enjoy all kinds of interesting ethnic foods?

I can’t even name any interesting foods – the only ones I’ve ever been exposed to are salisbury steaks and pot pies. And of course your run-of-the-mill bread, eggs, and milk.

And I haven’t been able to leave this town… my entire life.

You wanna know how big this town is?

My neighbor looked it up for me. .27 square miles, Myra.

Point-two-seven.

Not even a half.

Barely a quarter!

That’s smaller than some parks!

Sigh.

Please. I’m begging you.

Can we at least compromise?

I mean, you did have the first half of our life. Mind if I borrow some of the next?

I’ve tried not to hate or resent you. Really, I have.

But it hasn’t been easy.

My therapist has tried to help me work through it—“therapist” as in, that neighbor who’s helping me write this. Oh, you didn’t think I had a real therapist, did you? Pfft.

Like I said, I’m at my last resort.

Only God knows how in the world I got the dwarf end of the stick between us when it comes to life luck and abilities—it just doesn’t seem quite right…

But I’m asking you to help make it right.

In your everyday life and choices, I need for you to just…

Be more…

Aware.

Aware and mindful of how your decisions are impacting more than just yourself—how they’re affecting me. And usually in the worst way.

Literally whatever you do or, preferably, you’re thinking about doing, please also consider the opposite, because that is what will happen to me. So maybe… I mean, I know it isn’t easy—I know I might be asking a bit of a lot, but just…can you sometimes maybe do…the opposite… The opposite of what you want or what might feel good… so I can have some fun in this life, too?

I really don’t mean to blow your whole world up with this e-mail that I know seems out of nowhere and my existence that probably sounds pretty insane, but… Something’s gotta give. I’ve gone 40 years just…dealing with it. I don’t want to go another 40 years of the same.

Can we please just trade a little?

I appreciate your taking the time to read this and consider it.

Hopefully I’ll feel your decision, for the better, soon.

Sincerely,

Your "Better" Half, The Other Myra

P.S. If you decide to continue as you have been, living your “best life” (*cue eye roll*), just remember every time you choose, you’re actually choosing to torture someone else—specifically, another, innocent part of you. You laugh. I cry. Just remember that.

Anywho, take care! (but not really)