The Last Goodbye

My world was perfect, until I felt him start to pull away from me.

It was gradual over a few weeks but I really started to feel him change that last night we were together. My mind was screaming at me it isn’t fair. My granny would tell me life isn’t fair, but I never really believed her until that night.

I drive to his house after my shift at the dairy bar, excited to see him after a long hard day being on my feet. He greets me on the porch and takes my hand. "I am starving. Come on let's get something to eat." I wince because, I don’t want to go back where I just spent the last eight hours, but I climb in his beat up truck. Once inside he leans over and he kisses me quickly and then we drive in awkward silence to the dairy bar. He eats quickly and we don’t talk much. I can’t help asking him if he ok as I put my hand on his, effectively stopping his drumming fingers.

He lightly squeezes my hand as he looks at me, his eyes are cold but he smiles and says "No, I am good, I just have a...umm......job interview tomorrow and I am nervous about it." I smile and let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

Maybe I miss read the coldness in his eyes? "Oh, a job interview. For what?" I say nonchalantly.

He removes his hand from mine and his fingers resume drumming the table. He avoids looking at me and in a clipped tone tells me "Oh nothing really, I don't want to say right now. Ya know it might jinx it." He glances at me and then looks away.

I know he's lying but I don't call him on it "Oh, well good luck then." I sigh and put my hands in my lap.

Abruptly he throws his napkin on his empty plate and says "You ready?" he jumps up and heads for the door. "I guess I am, since you are practically out the door already." I say under my breath, as I get up to follow him out to his truck. He opens my door and I climb inside. I take a deep breath and inhale the unique scent that is him. I love that smell it reminds me of summer days and walking in the woods. I tell myself that I am just imagining things, there is nothing wrong. I am letting my over active imagination see problems where there is none. He jumps in the truck and leans over and gives me a light kiss on my lips. I push my negative thoughts away, it is just my imagination. He is fine, we are fine. I keep repeating this to myself like a silent prayer as we drive back to his house.

We pull up in his drive and he gets out of the truck and practically runs to the house. He just leaves me sitting there, I sit there for a minute stunned and really, really trying to keep a positive outlook. He didn't even stop and look back to see if I followed him.

Holding back the tears that are threating, I open the truck door and walk slowly to his house. Part of me wants to just stand outside and see how long it takes for him to even notice I am here. I sigh and open the screen door. He is already sitting on the couch watching TV. Well, I think, that was just rude.

As I walk in he looks up and says "About time." He literally growls as he jumps up and grabs my hand and leads me to his bedroom.

He stops next to the bed and pulls me into his arms and kisses me. It's like he's desperate, as he completely possess my lips, I start to relax and kiss him back. He begins to slowly undress me as he kisses me. He takes my face in his hands and tells me softly "You are so beautiful." His eyes flash bright blue and I sigh as I sink into the spell that he has always been able to create with just the touch of his hands and lips.

All too soon the spell is broken. He kisses my lips lightly and he touches my face "So beautiful." He says this as if he's not ever going to see me again. As he rolls over it finally hits me. He's saying goodbye the only way he knows how.

I lay there in the silence until his breathing is slow and even. I look at his back and I touch his shoulder. I let my hand rest there but even in his sleep he shrugs my hand off. He hasn't always done that. I like to be held and he did that, at first. Now he doesn't hold me at all. I think back on all the times before and I can see now that he has been just letting go slowly. I glance at his still form again and I want so badly to just touch him. I reach my hand out to his bare shoulder and it hovers there. I curl my fingers into a fist and pull my hand back. I know if I touch him it will be my undoing. I blink back a fresh stream of tears. I can feel the dam of emotions that I kept locked away being to erupt. I have to get up and leave before this happens, but I am trapped against the wall and his body. I can't escape the prison I have created by just giving in to him.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. In and out I take deep even breathes. I have to stay calm. I am making this more difficult than it needs to be. I take some more deep breathes and mentally will my body to lay still and my muscles to relax, as I stare at the ceiling.

Why do I do this to myself? I just couldn't say no to him. I know he's going to leave me and I know now that he will never love me. Despite what he says, my beauty isn’t going to hold him.

I keep playing back every phone call, every message, every day we have spent together, and I can't believe that he is just letting go. It just doesn’t add up, but it’s the only conclusion I can come to. He’s going to leave me, and I don’t know why.

I feel panic creeping up again and I quickly roll over to hide my tears. I am facing the wall and after a few minutes he rolls over and I can feel his warm breath on my neck.

This sends chills down my spine and I struggle to not turn and hold him. I am reminded of that first day back at the dairy bar when he just appeared out of nowhere after so many years and swept me off my feet. He had come up behind me and I could feel the heat of him soaking into my back, and his warm breath on my neck. He held me and kissed me like I was the oasis he had been searching for in the dry desert and my lips were a cool drink of water for his parched soul

After some time he rolls back over and slips out of bed. I can hear him as he moves about the room and dresses. The soft click of the door as he shuts it makes me flinch as though he'd slapped me. I am the biggest coward. I know in my heart that I should just talk to him and be open and honest. I am afraid, so very afraid of being alone, and losing him. I sit up and slide to the edge of the bed and say a silent prayer asking God to please change Cole's heart. "Please let him love me, like I love him." But, God is silent. I stand and find my clothes that not so long ago he couldn't wait to get me out of. I slowly begin to dress. I quietly open the door and peek out, he is nowhere to be found, but I can hear the TV in the living room. He must be in there or maybe he stepped outside for a moment. I don't venture that far to find out.

I quietly make my way to the bathroom. Once safely inside, I lock the door and let the tears fall. I cry quietly and let my heart break. I release all my locked up emotions in the stillness. I know I have to face him upon leaving my temporary shelter.

After the last tear falls, I wash my face and look at my reflection. Long straight dark blonde hair and green eyes stare back at me. I have a straight nose and high cheek bones with a smooth clear completion. Thank you Cherokee ancestors, but too bad you can't help me with some ancestors' mojo right now and give me some much needed answers. As soon as the thought enters my head I hear a faint whisper of my name behind me. I turn, but I am alone in the bathroom. The hairs on my neck stand up and I get goose bumps all over.

I shiver and slowly turn back to my reflection. I am almost expecting to find some ghostly image in the reflective surface. There is only my pale face. My eyes are huge and I look like I have seen a ghost. I chuckle and smile faintly at my runaway imagination, but let my smile fade, I can't stand here forever just looking at myself and letting my imagination run away with me. I shake my head and turn to slowly open the door. I gather what little pride I have and walk to the living room. I stop in front of him, he's sitting on the couch, relaxed and gives the air of indifference to my presence. He doesn't even look up at me.

I begin to feel my heart race and I feel the panic try to take hold. I breathe deeply and try to relax. I smile and tilt my head to the side and say cautiously "Are you ok?"

He looks up at me with his cool gaze and smiles, gives a little shrug, looks back at the TV and says, "Yes, I am fine, why would you ask?"

I look at him for a long moment "I don't know you just seem, distracted" he looks up at me again for a moment. I search his sky blue eyes for some sign that I mean anything to him. I find no emotion in his gaze.

He looks away and is once again focused on the TV. Without taking his eyes from the TV he says coldly "I am just worried about tomorrow, it's been on my mind all day."

I continue to look at him. I know there is something wrong but he is not communicating it verbally. His body language is screaming at me to leave and run, very far away and don't look back.

I sigh and say quietly "So you're not mad at me for something?" He laughs and looks up at me his gaze softening briefly.

"No I am not mad at you." Again his voice is devoid of emotion. His attention is once again on the TV.

I sit down next to him, careful not to touch him. I stare at the TV without seeing the events taking place on the screen. I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to think or believe. Could I be that wrong about his feelings for me? I glance at him often and try to figure out what game he is playing and if I want to know the rules so I can play to. He gives nothing away.

He must have felt my gaze because he turns to look at me, he smiles quickly and then looks back at the TV. Again his eyes are devoid of emotion. I am beginning to hate that look.

My worst fear is being realized, I have read him right is seems. He cares nothing for me and never will. This all must have been some elaborate game to him. Only I didn't get a copy of the rules so I never even had a chance to play, let alone win.

I feel my heart break all over again and I turn to stare blindly at the TV. Was I just the one that got away, and he had to cross me off a list, then move on to the one he really wants?

I sit quietly by his side and slowly die inside. I have once again been played for a fool and have given into him. He will never love me the way I want to be loved.

I want to touch him but I know this will only bring more pain to me when he rejects my touch. I know after this night I will not see him again and this breaks my heart too. I want to say goodbye and I love you but I choke the words back. I get up from the couch and walk by him in silence.

I can only stand being here for so long watching his eyes dismiss me, I needed to go.

"What time is it?" I jump at his words, I was so lost in thought.

I look at my phone screen, "8:46, why?" I ask puzzled by his sudden question.

"Oh, no reason." He says and then jumps up and grabs his phone from the counter where it was charging. He smiles at the screen and then places it in his back pocket.

Still smiling he says "Good I didn't miss it." I can't shake the feeling that there is somewhere or someone he would rather be with than me.

"Miss what?" I ask still curious at his odd behavior.

He looks away from me and I can feel the awkwardness continue. "Um...?" He rubs the back of his head and neck as he looks down at me.

"Yes, you um...what?" I say with a smile trying to lighten the mood. He looks away and then back at me his expression is unreadable. He continues to just look at me.

He must have found whatever he had been looking for because he shrugs and walks to the front door and opens the screen. "It's nothing." He says as he steps outside leaving me to stand and stew in the kitchen.

I put my face in my hands and try to keep from showing him just how much his indifference has affected me. I slowly walk from the kitchen to the front door and smile as I walk up to his side.

I lightly touch his arm as I say "Ok, I am going home, I guess I will talk to you later."

At my words he shows the most positive emotion I have gotten from him today. Was that relief I saw in his eyes? He practically dances off the porch. He takes my hand and practically drags me to my car.

Once by my car and he puts his other arm around my shoulders, he pulls me in and kisses my lips a few times. As he kisses me I sigh and lean into him. He stiffness slightly and pulls away.

Yes, I know this is the end of us. I have been reading all the signs he has given all night and it just keeps piling on. I look up at his chocolate brown hair that is in need of a cut but I love the way it curls slightly against his neck. I want to run my fingers through it but I know this would only serve to hurt me further when he pulls away from my touch again.

I drop my gaze and reach for my door handle "Please let me know how tomorrow goes." I say as I open my car door.

He has a look of confusion clear on his face. "Your big job interview, isn't it tomorrow?" I say tilting my head to the left.

"Oh, right, right my job interview." He chuckles and shrugs his shoulders.

"Yeah, sure I will let you know." He kisses me quickly one last time as he gives a quick glance around.

I want so much more but I know this is goodbye and I am not even sure there is a job interview after the way he reacted.

This hurts so much and I try to avoid looking directly in his eyes. I could not stand to see the lack of emotion in them. I want to hold him and look into his eyes and memorize his face. I do not. I get in my car and drive away. I see him wave from the porch and I hold back a sob, I wave back and being to cry again. I have to get it all out before I get home. I have to let him go. I never wanted this to be the end for us but he has given me no choice it seems. I glance once more in my rearview mirror, I can still see him standing on the porch. He leans casually against the porch rail. He is on the phone and I can see the bright smile that lights up his face. I let the tears fall unchecked. Yes, he has let go and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I think bitterly that I was never his oasis and it’s now my soul that needs to be quenched because it has dried up like a barren desert.