Little Boy Blue

Journal, Day One.

I'm not sure I buy into this whole journalling thing. I've tried it before and have never been able to stick with it. But hey, doctor's orders, right?

Put down my feelings, what I am thinking and maybe something will come out? It seems unlikely. I mean I'm in a good place. Well, except for that one thing.

Okay, let's get that one thing out of the way.

Six months ago I started thinking about proposing to Dana. (See, I'm in a good place!) But to get the ring I want? Well, no way I can swing it. I had friend who was picking up some extra money driving so I thought I'd give it a try. With my computer operations schedule there was no way I could pick up a second job. This was something I could fit in whenever I wanted.

Getting set up was easy and before I knew it I was off to pick up my first customer. I almost didn't get there. I was just turning into this subdivision when a kid darted out between two cars. I had to hit the brakes hard to miss him. After my heart started up again I thought about getting out to warn (yell at) him but he'd already disappeared. So I went on my way and soon had my first five star review.

The next few weeks went well, then I missed a week where I was covering for a co-worker and had some crazy hours. But after that I was ready to get some more extra cash. I started out and the same thing happened.

And by 'same thing' I mean the EXACT same thing. A small kid, maybe five years old, darting out between two cars. This time it was a good fifteen miles away and in an apartment complex. After I stopped, I looked around and once again he was nowhere to be found. The weird thing was that in the back of my mind if felt like it was the same kid! Blue shirt, blue baseball cap.

Since then, it's happened three more times. After the last time I've stopped driving for fares and am even a bit reluctant to drive for myself. Dana noticed I've been 'acting strange' and 'anxious'. I think she believes it's because of the weird hours I work and how it messes with my sleep schedule. Maybe it is, I don't know. But since my company provides stuff like therapy, why not give that a try?

The first session was today and went about as I expected. Not much help but I'll give it a try for a while. She mentioned capturing my feelings and I see I haven't really done that yet so here goes:

I feel like I'm going crazy. There, how's that?

Day Three

Not much to update. I haven't seen the kid again but I've only driven to and from work. I'm beginging to think maybe it is just fatigue. Since I'm off this weekend I asked for Friday and Monday as well and I'm going to be a potato for four days. Dana's going to come over and we'll fix dinner and do nothing. Maybe that will fix it.

I am feeling tired. For now we'll go with that.

Day Eight

Well, so much for fatigue.

Four nice days of doing nothing. Had a really nice dinner with Dana and then we watched old movies. I felt less stressed and she seemed more normal, too. The rest of the time was watching TV, Youtube and sleeping.

Today I got up feeling great. I had second shift so I didn't need to be in to work until 3pm. I ran to the grocery store (I ate way too much while staying home) and did a few other errands. Then I headed off to work and made it about three blocks. I swerved into someone's yard to avoid the kid who was gone as soon as I stopped. I never see him disappear. He's in the street and then when I've stopped and I'm looking around he's just gone. But since it always seems to be the same kid I guess he's never really been there in the first place.

My next session is tomorrow. How am I feeling? Worried. Very worried.

Day Nine

Therapy was not helpful. Was I really getting good sleep? Did I actually get too much sleep? Whatever. I've bought a smart watch to track it. They're not as accurate as something designed just for sleep tracking but they're cheaper. And I'm not ready to go to one of those sleep centers.

The rest of the session was the therapist trying to find out if I was worried, stressed, any of that. Well, yes I am. I keep seeing this kid run out in front of my car. Before that started, I was great. At least I'm not paying for this.

Feelings? See previous entry.

Day Twelve

I surrender.

Yes, I've seen that kid again. And I don't think it's 'fatigue'. My sleep tracking isn't telling me anything helpful along those lines. But then, I didn't expect it to.

I have decided that I'm just going to keep seeing this thing. I'll stop, count to five and just start driving again. I can't let this ruin my life. I should just ignore it, but I don't quite have the courage to do that. Not yet. Anyway, it's instinct to stop.

I'm going to start my freelancing again, too.

I feel determined to take back control.

Day Sixteen

The therapist tried to be encouraging. She thought my idea was a good one, that I was beginning to realize it was all in my head. But she kept digging, trying to find out WHY it was in my head. I may have been a bit short with her. I apologized at the end.

Oh, and I've seen the kid again. Just once, though. I don't think there's been one time where it's been in the same place.

Feelings? Still determined. And impatient.

Day Eighteen

Today could have gone better.

That kid ran in front of me on the way in to work. And then I got reprimanded. Apparently I'm not supposed to tell clueless users that they are clueless. My boss said that he's noticed my work falling off a bit lately. I thought about telling him what I'm going through but then he might try to figure out a way to get me completely out the door. So I just said I'm going through some personal things but I'll make sure I don't bring those things to work.

Dana and I had a date tonight. Well, half a date. Apparently I said something wrong and she got very quiet. Then as soon as we'd finished eating she said she wasn't feeling well and I should take her home. The look she gave me when she closed the door!

I think Dana is losing faith, and I'm losing hope.

Day I have no idea but about two months later

It's been a while since I wrote anything down, but what was there to write? See the kid run in front of me every three or four days. All over town. Go to my job and try to be nice to people. See my girlfriend and try to be pleasant.

I don't have to worry about those last two anymore. Dana suggested we give things a break 'while I work through whatever it is that's bothering me'. And I got let go for sloppy work and poor customer service. Honestly, I can't argue with either of them.

Not that the therapist was helping, but I no longer have access to her. I'm starting the ride service stuff again because I need to have some sort of income and I'll start writing again here because there's nowhere else to let it out.

Feelings? None. Just numb.

Day three from the restart

Well, the kid ran in front of me again. This is the first time that it happened while someone else was in the car. He didn't see anything and he was looking right at the road. He was whining about all the potholes and if someone didn't do something he was going to write his councilman. Of course, I'd slammed on the brakes. The idiot gave me a 1 star review. Super.

But at least he was confirmation that the kid does not exist. Maybe that will give me enough mental strength to just keep going. And once I do that maybe it will all stop.

Day five

The kid ran in front of me again today. I almost hit the brakes but I remembered the last time and kept going. I didn't slow down at all.

It was such a small noise, really.