On the Edge

The door slammed open as Lainey barged into the convenience store. She hastily marched through the store to the check stand and demanded a pack of the cheapest cigarettes. She was silent as the cashier said her total, $11.49. As Lainey left the store the cashier yelled to her “Happy Thanksgiving!” Lainey froze for a second, breathed heavily, and quickly walked out the door.

Thanksgiving was always a hard time for Lainey, be thankful, for what? Spend time with family, what family? The holidays were a lonely and sad time for her, but there was a wave of calmness in Lainey’s heart this time. Like a heavy weight would soon be lifted off her chest. The cold autumn air blew in her face as she struggled to light a cigarette with her cold swollen hands.

Lainey walked with heavy steps, the world around her a blur. She had made up her mind when she suddenly saw a homeless woman and her baby on the frozen street. As Lainey walked by she and the woman made eye contact accidentally. Lainey felt pity for them and tried forgetting about the look on her face. But the woman said,

“Hey… you got anything… just a dollar?” Lainey sighed, looked at the baby, and dug through her deep coat pocket.

“One second, I think I have a dollar...”

“Thank you… Thank you so much.” A feeling of contentment filled Lainey’s heart until she realized her pockets were empty. She had spent her last dollars on the box of cigarettes.

“Shit. I—I thought I had cash….. umm, here take this.” Lainey handed the woman a cigarette.

“Oh… it’s okay… thanks though.”

Lainey felt a little embarrassed and walked away. When she was a good distance away she looked behind her and saw the baby staring at her with blank eyes. Lainey continued walking to where she planned to go and lit another cigarette as she walked. As Lainey walked further, she saw a little girl run across the street and almost get hit by a car.

“Hey! Careful, kid!” Lainey yelled to the child, “Wait, where are your parents?” Lainey ran ahead, but couldn’t find the kid anymore. “Children are idiots. Running in the street like that.”

The destination Lainey was going to had been her favorite spot since she was a child, it’s name was technically Sycamore Bridge, but Lainey always called it troll bridge. This is because when Lainey was a child she would always wait to listen for troll voices before running across the bridge as stealthily as possible in order to not be eaten by the trolls. If you looked down from the bridge, you could see the cold water currents, sharp rocks, and a long, merciless drop to the bottom. It was the one place that brought her pure joy and made her feel like all troubles were lifted off her shoulders. A very fitting destination for someone who’s time was almost up, for someone who’s troubles were about to be lifted forever.

As Lainey walked further toward Sycamore Bridge, she saw another kid, older this time. She was crying with her hands covering her face. Lainey was about to ask the kid if she needed help, but as soon as she got close the girl looked up and ran away. As she ran away a piece of paper fell from her pocket.

Lainey unfolded the paper and saw a drawing that made her heart drop. This was a drawing that she made when she was 12 of her and her parents. Even at the bottom of the page was her signature. Lainey was confused and uncomfortable. She frantically looked around to find the girl, yelling “Hey, where did you get this from?! I don’t understand!” But the girl was nowhere to be found. Lainey carefully folded the drawing, put it in her pocket, and continued to walk; keeping an eye out for the girl or any other strange thing that might appear.

Lainey's heart was thudding and she felt sick to her stomach, but continued to walk to the troll bridge. She took the drawing out of her pocket and looked at it again. She remembered when she drew that drawing, it was a different time, a time when Lainey had hope for a future. Lainey felt ill looking at the drawing and put it back in her pocket again trying not to think about it.

Lainey’s childhood, if you could call it that, was not normal. Her mother died when she was three years old and her father lost hope and despaired. He turned to drugs and Lainey had to go through the foster system and fend for herself since he was no longer fit to take care of her. When she was 15 a police officer informed Lainey of her fathers death. He was crossing the road and a drunk driver hit him and sped away. The driver was never even caught. But in her dad’s pocket, was a photo of Lainey and her mother and a slip of paper with the address of the foster home Lainey was staying at. The only thing Lainey had from her father was that photo and his jacket, which Lainey had to beg for from the police. Apparently, Lainey’s dad was at a 12-step program and was about to visit Lainey for the first time in almost 11 years right before he died. This broke Lainey and caused her to run away from her foster home and jump from shelter to shelter to get free meals.

7 years later, at 22 Lainey was ready to move on to the next chapter. She made it to the sycamore bridge. She kicked a rock and it skipped across the wooden planks until it fell off the edge. She walked into the railing, leaned forward, and stared down at the dark, churning water. A tear streaked down Lainey’s face and fell into the water. When it landed, she saw a reflection— not of who she was now, but of the child she used to be. The reflection showed an eight-year-old Lainey on the water’s surface, skipping and smiling, the way she used to. The reflection shifted and she grew older, becoming the twelve-year-old who dreamed of her family. She smiled, laughed, and skipped toward the bridge, just like before. But as she reached it, the smile vanished. The child stared up at her with blank, empty eyes. Then she was gone, and Lainey was staring at herself again.

She gripped the rail.

For a second, she was ready to follow the rock’s path.

But then she stepped back—away from the edge.