Nothing can ever ruin this.

She can’t look me in the eyes as she orders beetroot and blackberry cured salmon. Waiter compliments her decision and turns to me. I realise he’s waiting my order, but my eyes just won’t turn to meet his. They’re glued to the girl sitting right in front of me, wondering if she’ll ever muster up the courage to bring those green eyes to meet mine. The girl that once meant everything to me. The angel that once ruled my soul.

“Have you decided sir?” the waiter asks.

I usually order the pottet crab, with some smoked paprika aside it makes for a magnificent starter. This evening however, I don’t fancy the fancy, I just order the first salad that I could remember the full name of.

“Staying healthy, huh?” she says, her running nose tells me all I need to know about her mood. As I nod my head affirming her I feel proud for a moment. Proud of her bravery to sit down in front of me with a posture that is willing to take whatever punishment I’m about to throw her way. And although I possess lots of it in my arsenal I will not be using them this evening. This evening is different from the ones we’ve had before. I can tell she realises this also due to the fact that she seem more passive than usual. She’s not intending to make use of her arsenal in this evening either.

“I missed these fancy places,” She takes a deep breath, “I missed dining with you.”

She says this as if our agelong suffering has ended and we can finally be with each other again. I understand why she feels that way. This makes me forget that we’re only at the begging of all the suffering for a moment. Makes me feel some peace within me for a second, not overwhelming or relieving, just enough for me to enjoy the music in the background for a moment.

“So…” she says, almost whispering. “What’re you going to do?” The question catches me off-guard.

“I don’t know. I’ve been postponing thinking about this.” I answer.

“Well, you’ll have to find something to do otherwise you’ll go crazy. People like you get depressed in their retirement.” she says.

“People like me?”

“You know, the kind who’re used to getting a million things done everyday.”

I force myself to chuckle for a second before I take a sip of water.

“It’s hard to believe it has been over two years since I retired huh?” I say.

“Yeah but once all these are over you won’t have anything to keep yourself busy anymore.” she says with that tone of voice that I can’t tell if she’s about to make a joke or not. Even after all these years that tone still confuses me.

“Well you atleast took care of that for me,” I say, trying to match her jokingly-hopefully- tone. “I’d surely be bored as hell without all this.”

She laughs. It’s not forced or faked, it’s the candid laugh that melts my heart everytime I hear it. The laugh I’ve heard when I got pancake dough all over my face that one time after I dropped it onto the pan a bit too hard, the laugh I heard when I used to tickle her in the mornings.

“I’m sure you weren’t expecting to be wearing a suit all the time in your retirement.”

I smile, “No, definetly not.”

Silence takes over the table for a second. We both stare at the untouched wineglasses with Cabernet Sauvignon in them and at the perfectly folded red napkins on the table as we both listen to the music in the background for a while. The silence isn’t awkward or uncomfortable, quite the contrary, it’s relaxing.

Something about this dinner is different for sure. It really does feel peaceful. Now the end in our sights we can relax a little after all those days of fighting and worrying. Even if there’s a cliff at the end.

“I guess I could buy an RV.” I say as our dishes arrive.

“You can’t be serious.” she says.

“What? Why’d you say that?”

“Oh come on. Are you gonna be that weirdo that lives in a trailer?”

“What is there about an RV that makes me a weirdo exactly?”

She shakes head as he grabs the silverware infront of her, “You should move to the coast.” She takes a sip from the water next to the wine glass.

“Not sure if that’d be good for me.” I say.

“No it’d be great. I heard the tides are great in the mornings too.” she says.

“You really think I’ll be fit for surfing at this age?”

Her mouth is full, she affirms me with an “Hm-Hmm.”

She takes another sip from her water, still not touching the wine, “It’s not like you’re eighty. Plus you love surfing, I don’t think old age will stop you. You can take Wally to the beach too. I know he loves it.”

“Yeah, he loves chasing birds around in the beach.”

We eat our food and the silence between words are filled with the music and the noises of peoples chatter alongside silverware hitting plates. We make jokes and talk about stuff that we didn’t even realise were in the back of our minds. Time’s passing becomes a lot more fluent as wine in my glass drains. She still hasn’t touched hers, I don’t blame her, it is what ruined everything for us in the end. And for just a brief amount of time everything is back to normal. Everthing I love about her is there again. She’s that girl I know again.

“I missed you,” I say. “I missed seeing you smile.”

She shrugs, “Smiling in the courtroom doesn’t really paint a good picture.”

I take a deep breath before answering, I am terified that I might’ve just ruined the moment. I try making it up. “Come on, we don’t have to think about this right now.”

She starts scrubing her forehead, “Yeah I know, I’m sorry. It’s just really hard not to.”

“I know.” I say.

There’s a pause. But this time the music can’t be heard. I can’t even hear people in the background as silence slowly slides into the atmosphere like a sinister devil.

“I’m actually relieved, you know,” she says. “Atleast we don’t have to worry about the outcome anymore, it’s obvious.”

“Abby,” I say, with a comforting tone, “A decision hasn’t been made yet.”

“Come on now. We both know what the decision is going to be.” she says.

She’s right. And forcing her to hold onto hope just so she could suffer a little more isn’t something my heart can take. But it’s the same heart that won’t let me admit that it’s over.

I raise my gaze to meet her’s. She’s staring at me with those emerald eyes as tears begin to form.

She pauses for a moment that feels like an eternity before saying “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve put you through this.”

I reach out for her hand.

“It’s alright baby. ” I say, “It’s just that, I just think perhaps if I was a better-”

“Don’t!” she says raising her voice slighly.

“Don’t you blame this on yourself. You did everything right.”

She tries to hold in the tears. Seeing this my heart reminds me how much of it belongs to her with an aching sensation.

“I was the one stupid enough to drive that day.” she says. “And I deserve what’s coming.”

The side that’s angry in my heart agrees with her. But I only let the loving side speak.

I shake my head, “No you don’t”

“Yes, I do.”

I raise my voice, “No, you’re just a stupid kid who made a stupid mistake.”

“A mistake that ruined someones life.”

“You don’t deserve your life getting ruined for this too.”

“Stop it,” she says, almost a whisper again. “No need to deny this anymore.”

As I look at the girl who fell asleep a thousand times in my arms I can feel a single tear sliding down my left cheek.

“I’m just,” words don’t come out as easily now, “I’m just afraid that you’ll hate there and-”

“I’ll be fine. You know me,” she says. “I’m a lot tougher than you.”

A chuckle finds it’s way out.

She pulls her hand back and wipes the tears in her eyes off

“I’m sorry, I promise I won’t ruin this.” I say as I wipe the tear off too.

She sighs, and musters up a little broken smile. “Do you really think anything can ruin this night for me?”

“Nothing can ever ruin the last fancy dinner I’ll have with my old man.”

Music can be heard again. The chatter and the silverware noises come back. Without an elephant in the room anymore we return back to talking about random stuff.

She smiles, she giggles and she has a good time. I do too. It’s impossible not to. Next day we’ll hear the Jury’s verdict. Even though we already know what it’s going to be it’s still nervewrecking. And after tomorrow another life is going to start for her, for both of us. A long and enduring suffering for both of us.

And then we’ll cry and scream then fight with anyone in our way.

We’ll hate life for being this way.

But tonight, tonight I’ll stare into those emerald eyes of my beautiful daughter and enjoy every moment this night can fit in itself.

Because tonight, tonight is ours.

And nothing, nothing can ever ruin this.