Forget me not

Forget Me Not

“I believe you have Athazagoraphobia Latisha”

“What does that mean?”

“You have an irrational fear of being forgotten, ignored or overlooked”

“Oh, so why does it have such a strange name? Wouldn’t ‘forget me not’ phobia be a better one?” 

“Well it originates from the Greek words "athazagoros," which means "forgotten," and "Phobos," meaning fear. Therefore its literal translation is ‘forgotten fear’, so it is a perfectly correct name for your extreme fear”

“I see, so how do I get rid of it?”

“It will take a 3 pronged approach of CBT, mindfulness and medication. 

In your particular case I believe the best option would be 2mg of Diazepam 3 times daily which I have prescribed for you to begin immediately. I will book you in for weekly appointments with a therapist to work on both mindfulness and CBT, Any questions?”

“No, I guess not”

“Ok, well you are on the right track to getting better Latisha, remember that.”

***

That conversation took place with my GP 3 months ago and I’m still waiting to hear about an appointment to start my therapy. I have just managed to calm myself from the panic attack I just had. Knowing I’ve actually been forgotten by the therapist, no one has been in touch, no one has asked how it’s going. No one is here with me, it’s like the second I left the GP I was forced to face my own phobia head on. 

Ok so I have a support system in place while I wait for them to remember me, but no one is available 24/7 and I’m still alone in the world. Yes they pop round and do their duty of making sure I’m ok for half hour here and there, between work shifts, theirs and mine. Yes I still manage to work somehow, probably due to the diazepam the Gp put me on. I mean I suppose it’s helping, but it hasn’t solved the problem. My fear is still a literal reality on a daily basis. I’m still forgotten, even on the days I do manage to go to work, it’s a case of putting on a happy face. Forcing a smile on my lips, which I’m sure never reaches my eyes, the usual greetings:

“hi, how are you?” 

“I’m good and you?”

“Yeah I’m good to did you have a nice weekend?”

“Yeah not to bad, how was your weekend?”

“Great”

“Glad to hear it”

Etc etc, does anyone who asks how you are actually care? Or have they just learned a daily script to keep up appearances? I know the second I’ve left the room they’re busy chatting to the next person already forgetting about my day or weekend. I doubt they would have even had the time to listen to my real answer. I also know tomorrow morning I’ll be asked about this weekend. Should I say 

“Oh well actually Saturday was crap, my parents popped round for an hour or two to tell me all about the holiday they went on last week. Shoving photos in my face, complaining that I could have been there with them and my sister if I’d really wanted to? 

Then on Sunday I had a panic attack in my own home, after realising I’d told them to go the day before because they were making me feel sick. They knew I couldn’t go with them and I knew they would go away with my sister and enjoy themselves without me, no doubt relieved they hadn’t had to put up with my miserable face.”

I could already tell they had forgotten about me not having heard from them since. They were with my sister today, she hadn’t even invited me to join in and they wonder why I feel forgotten all the time?

Also I wonder if I didn’t bother going to work tomorrow, if anyone would even remember I worked there?

I’m feeling so tired and sick from the current dizziness, I should go lie down for a bit.

***

“Hi mum, Hi Dad, it’s so good to see you, did you get the photos back from the trip? Harvey can’t wait to see them. How was Tisha?” 

“Oh Valeria, it’s so hard to see her and the fall she has taken. She was always such a happy and social girl, her name actually means joy and happiness after all. Nowadays she’s paranoid and scared of her own shadow, it breaks my heart every time me and Dad go round there. It’s like she thinks we are the enemy. We thought showing her the holiday photos and that we had all missed her would cheer her up, but it just caused an argument. She was so vicious about it all, telling us we hadn’t wanted her there. It couldn’t be further from the truth, I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless”

“Here mum, have a tissue.”

“Thank-you dear”

“Try not to blame yourself mum, it’s not anyone’s fault she’s not well. She told her friend Sasha the other day that I hadn’t bothered with her for months, I had literally been to see her that morning. I chased up about the therapy earlier, as I could see she was getting worse on Friday. They really should get her some help, it’s ridiculous her whole illness is based on the fear of being forgotten and they make her wait like this. For 3 months we have been waiting and she needs the help 6 months ago, it’s terrible.”

“Val's right love, don’t blame yourself now, I’ve brought you both a cuppa. Lets go and sit on the sofa and share these photos with Harvey. Look at him he can’t wait to see them can you Harvey boy?”

“I certainly can’t come on over, I wish I could have been there with you all.”

***

“Ow, my head hurts, where am I. What day is it?” I say as someone helps me up from the floor, over to the sofa.

“Tisha it’s me your friend Sasha, I’m over for our Sunday, lunch get together. We were going to go out and get a subway for lunch.”

Oh no now I’m the one doing the forgetting, this can’t be right.

“Sasha, I’m sorry I don’t think I really feel up to it today could we please rearrange it.”

“Well actually, when I couldn’t get hold of you on the phone, I decided to grab a takeaway sub and bring it to you. I got you a tuna mayo, Fanta and double chocolate cookie.”

“Oooh they’re my favourite” I can actually feel a genuine smile on my own face. 

“Wait, what do you mean you couldn’t get hold of me on the phone?”

“It was dead-tone, when I tried to call you.”

Omg had the phone company now forgotten I needed a phone so people could contact me, had they deliberately cut me off? I needed my phone working, what if the therapist finally called with an appointment? Then again they probably forgot about me. The smile faded from my face with an

“Ooooh”

“Don’t worry hun it’s all fixed, you must have tripped over the wire and pulled it out of the socket when you fell.”

I fell? Oh yeah when I felt sick and dizzy I must have fallen over, that would explain my head hurting.

“ it’s fixed? So I won’t miss anymore calls?”

“Yes hun it’s all fixed, let’s go sit at the table and catch up.”

We walk over to the table together as I walk passed the mirror on the wall, I look towards it. 

My face looks grey and ghostly apart from the dark around my eye sockets from the lack of sleep and the red bump on the right side of my forehead. I look as awful as I feel. I trudge over to where Sasha is sitting at the table setting up our subway take away onto sandwich plates.

“Shall I pour the Fanta” I ask her. 

“Of course hun, I’d love that.” She smiles up at me and all I can think is ‘How on earth does she do it? Having to put up with a useless friend like me’.

She seams oblivious to my thoughts, as she gestures towards the other chair.

“Sit down Tisha we have loads to catch up on”

Yes we do, though I still can’t understand why my best friend in the world puts up with me at all. I don’t want to loose her, I don’t want her to forget me but what if at some point I forget her? Oh no if she doesn’t forget me I might forget her or we might forget each other! My head is spinning with this thought making me feel dizzy again.

“Latisha, are you ok? Here sit down and breathe with me, we can sort the Fanta in a moment.”

After a few deep breaths I’m able to respond.

“I’m alright now honest, I just felt a little dizzy again, I probably just need to eat.”

She still looks concerned but sits back down on her chair anyway and we chat about how things are going in our lives, well mostly hers, mines at a permanent standstill for now.

***

Another week went by and I hardly saw anyone again, they were all too busy and work didn’t seem to want me to go in for some reason, something about me taking a break. 

I’m a little surprised to see val here, I haven’t seen her since before she went on holiday with my parents, who I haven’t seen since the argument about the photos.

I honestly thought my sister had forgotten me and I know my parents definitely want to after the other day.

“Hi Tisha, are you ready for your appointment with Dr Moore?”

“Who’s dr Moore?” I ask I’ve never heard of this person.

“She’s going to be your therapist remember? We spoke about it yesterday over the phone with her.”

“That was yesterday? I thought it was weeks ago, I need to make sure it’s ok with work first.” I reply getting my mobile out ready to call them.”

“Hey sis you don’t need to call work you’re on FMLA leave remember?”

“Oh yes I think so” I can vaguely remember something about taking some time off a few weeks ago, but can’t really remember the details. I hate the fact that I’m forgetting things myself.

My sister looks a bit worried.

“Tisha you will be alright! I’ll be right there with you.”

Yes I know. She will but I’m not feeling great standing near the door, it crosses my mind that they may have forgotten they have an appointment with me. My hands are feeling clammy, while I’m struggling to breathe and all I can feel and hear is my own heartbeat drumming at my ears, trying to jump out of my chest. 

“Tisha, honey I want you to take a deep breath, it’s all going to be ok. Breathe with me in, hold and out, hold, in, hold and out, hold, in, hold and out, hold. Now can you tell me five things you can see?”

“The garden path, my feet, the doorway, your car waiting and my hands shaking” she grabs my hand squeezing it gently as we carry on through the 5 senses countdown. Gradually making our way to her car as we do so, until I’m sitting in the car seat still breathing deeply. My heart has almost gone back to its normal rhythm, my hands are no longer clammy and almost steady again and at least I can breathe. 

After locking my door, she comes back to the car and gets in.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m ok”

“You ready to go? Mum and Dad are meeting us there”

“Mum and Dad? I thought…” did I want to add anymore? I thought they were still mad with me? forgotten I existed? Still hated me? Before I can finish my sentence Val chimes in with.

“Yes Mum, Dad, Sasha and Me. We are coming along for moral support and to have a little meeting with you on how we best support you through all this.”

“Sasha too?” I can feel the tears welling in my eyes as I question again how any of them put up with me like this.

“I thought they would want to stay away, that they hated me, that they saw me as a burden, that they would just want to leave and forget about me that, that …” I’m chocked up on my own words by this point my sisters only reply is.

“We all love you, you’re not a burden and we are all here for you.” As she passes me a tissue she adds

“We have faith in you, you can do this Tisha. Why don’t you put the radio on”

As I switch the radio on the first thing we both hear is 

‘Don’t you forget about me, don’t don’t don’t don’t’ we look at each other and smile.

“How very apt” Val says as we head off towards the clinic.

The End.