Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Stella lay in their king-sized bed, blankly staring at the ceiling and feeling her husband waking up next to her. She was vaguely irritated that he was conscious now, bracing herself for whatever mood he was in today. They no longer fully listened to each other, both waiting for their chance to speak but never to be heard. It had been years of useless bickering with minimal moments of fun in between. After eight years together, she had been certain they’d beaten the seven-year itch, but this indifference was worse.

Sure enough, casual morning conversation transitioned from the plan for the day into a story about how he used to be a sneaky kid. Stella hated those stories. It was a side of her husband she did not enjoy, and he spoke about it with such pride. She had a hard time humoring him when he shared these insipid memories, something she had made clear time and time again, yet here they were reliving his not-so-glorious days.

Scott picked up on her disinterest and accused her of picking on him. Stella couldn’t even bring herself to care. He huffed out of the room, tossing one last barb over his shoulder: “I just don’t think you’re very happy with me anymore.” She felt nothing. Maybe he was right, but it seemed to go both ways these days.

When Stella spoke of her career, excited over an accomplishment with a client or fired up over a pleasure project, Scott half-listened, choosing those moments to putz around the kitchen or fix something trivial. His lack of attention was hurtful, but it was his lack of support over the things she was passionate about that made her wonder about his interest in their marriage. Was it any wonder she didn’t seem over the moon about his needs when hers were deemed unimportant?

Nothing was inherently “wrong” in their relationship. There was no infidelity (as far as she knew, wondering for a moment if she would even care at this point), no abuse (verbal or otherwise), and not even any children in the mix to cause chaos. It was just them, no longer enjoying one another’s company. It felt dramatic to end a marriage without a catalyst event, but did there need to be anything wrong, or could it just be not right?

Stella was so torn that she had a quick flash of herself flipping a coin to make the decision for them. After the initial snort of dismissal, she revisited the idea. They had dipped from reasonable into ridiculous in their marriage, was it so crazy to find their answer within the ridiculous as well?

She had nothing to lose feeling the way she did, so she got out of bed and put on her robe to follow Scott downstairs. She found him doing laundry, surprise surprise.

“Do you dry these leggings?” he asked, playing dumb to the millionth bitter argument they’d just had.

Stella stared back at him, unable to pretend anymore.

“Are you really going to pretend you didn’t just question my happiness in our marriage?” she asked in response.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“No,” she held up a hand to cut him off. “I am so sick of this cycle. No more heated arguments and half-assed apologies. It’s been too many years of this and I am over it. You’re right: I’m not sure if I’m happy with you anymore, and part of that is because I’m fairly certain you feel the same way about me.”

“I am happy,” Scott began, but Stella cut him off again.

“You sure have a funny way of showing it. Look, we go around and around the same things and I don’t want to do that forever. I’m not sure where we’re going, and I’m not even sure what I want, but I know I don’t want this indifference and resentment anymore. So, I think we should let a coin flip decide for us.”

There, she’d said it. Scott blinked at her, unsure if she was serious.

“A coin toss? Really?” He sounded incredulous, though not dismissive of the idea.

“Really. I think we should take it seriously and sit down together later this evening to do the official flip, but yes. Let’s let the universe tell us what the plan is here.”

His eyebrows were up to his hairline, but he agreed, and the couple went their separate ways to prepare for their life-changing coin-flip decision.

Scott continued to fold laundry, internally processing his pro and con list of the past eight years. This was his second marriage, one he desperately wanted to work, but their differences had driven a wedge between them lately. Stella had decided to switch careers the year before and the financial and emotional strain had been tough. Scott had been sure they’d pushed past that, but perhaps he was holding onto some underlying resentment. He knew he wasn’t the best listener, but what man was? Around and around he went, ruminating on how they’d gotten here…

Meanwhile, Stella was making sure the universe had space to do its job. Numb to the outcome, she spent her day preparing the space for the major energetic shift to come. Either the coin would tell them to stay together, or it would tell them this was the year to split. It was a big question to expect an unsuspecting coin to answer, making the coin itself an important symbol for the future. She knew it couldn’t have any connection to her, to Scott, or to their marriage; it needed to be a coin clear of any connotation in order to make an unbiased decision. Without thinking, she allowed herself to be guided to her closet. She laughed out loud when she saw a lone penny sitting on the middle shelf.

“Okay, universe, I feel you,” she said aloud, pocketing the penny. Now to set the space.

From her office, she grabbed a fresh bundle of sage and a mighty shaman feather. She took both into their family room, standing in the middle of the room to light the fragrant leaves. Using the feather, she encouraged the resulting smoke to fill the corners of the room, going wherever it needed to go to rid the space of any lingering energy, positive, negative, or otherwise. They were going to need a completely neutral space for this type of guidance. She asked for neutrality silently, encouraging her spiritual team to move any obstacles out of their way and feeling the penny in her pocket growing heavier and warmer with each passing moment. The energy was shifting for them already.

She inhaled deeply, filling her body with neutrality, clearing her mind of any hopeful outcomes. All day, she had toggled between hoping for a sure sign that they were meant for each other and the relief of being told to just end it already. Stella knew whichever answer she was given would be the right one; her body tingled with the anticipation of finally Knowing.

Their ancient miniature grandfather clock seemed to reverberate around the entire house, announcing the time they’d agreed upon for the big flip. Stella was already sitting in her favorite spot on the couch, the prepared planner of the couple. Scott ambled in as the last chime of the clock faded away into nothing. Stella rolled her eyes inwardly to herself at the predictability.

The penny sat on the coffee table between them, mocking them with the potential that lay ahead. One penny suddenly held an immense value.

Scott spoke first.

“Who should be the one to do the flipping?” he asked, gently. Stella could hear the apprehension in his voice.

“Maybe I’ll flip, and you call it?” she offered, tentatively. Her heart began to pound. Maybe she did care one way or the other after all.

He nodded. “Sounds good. Which is which, heads or tails?”

“You decide.” If this was really the end, Stella wanted to throw the guy one last bone.

“Okay, how about heads is we stay together and we can seal it with a kiss? Tails is watching each other walk away.”

Stella’s heart stuttered, unsure if it wanted to leap or sink at her husband’s words.

“Aye aye, captain,” she said, an attempt at nonchalance, and she picked up the penny. It seemed to vibrate between her fingers, charged by the energy coursing between the couple. “Ready?”

“Are you?”

“I think so.” She felt certain this outcome would be the answer. Scott nodded back at her. “Alright then, one…two…three…”

And she flipped the coin into the air.

In the split second the coin hung there, Stella and Scott were each hit with powerful visions of what they hoped the outcome would be. While they had each spent the whole day, even years wondering what it was that they wanted out of their marriage, the flash of copper had told them everything they needed to know before it ever hit the table.

The penny landed with a decisive clink. The couple leaned over to meet in the middle, taking in the results before them. Time seemed to stand still.

They finally looked up at each other, gazing deeply into eyes they’d known and loved for nearly a decade. They had let a penny decide the next phase of their future, but it was up to them to take the next step.