I'm to Blame

Themes of suicide.

I didn’t have a choice. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. There was no other way. There wasn’t! I could have died. I didn’t have a choice. But she did, didn’t she? She had a choice. And she chose wrong. Why is that my fault?! I had no other choice. I did the right thing. That’s what they told me. She was going to kill us all. Wasn’t she? Yeah, she was. I didn’t have a choice. It can’t be my fault. It isn’t! She had something metal in her bag. Sure, it could’ve been anything, but could have been a knife or a gun. She could’ve killed somebody. She would’ve hurt somebody. I didn’t have a choice. I had to turn her in. Did I do the right thing? Of course, I did. It was the right choice. I didn’t have a choice. She’s the one who put me in this situation. This is her fault, not mine. But, as I watched her eyes glass over once more, again, was I really right? Didn’t I make the right choice? She could’ve killed somebody. It wasn’t my fault. But those glossy eyes stare back at me and I start to question, why? Why did she need that? Did I make something worse? What was it really? It could’ve been anything, really. It’s not my fault. If it’s not true he’ll come back to school in no time, but otherwise everyone will eat this up. I saved the school. I did the right thing. I’m a hero. What did she have? Was it real? Did I make the wrong choice? Will she ever live past this when she comes back? Would she forgive me?

“Tyler, you going?”

I stare up at my friends. They had been talking, but I stopped listening. My thoughts distracting me from it all.

“Going where?”

“To the funeral.”

“What?”

“You didn’t hear, the little…”

I let the words sink in. She was gone.

It’s all my fault. What have I done? I had a choice, and I chose wrong. Now that she’s dead, how…No, it’s not my fault. I didn’t have a choice. I’m a hero. She was going to kill somebody. Or was she? It’s all my fault. She’s gone. I have blood on my hands. Her blood. The how? The why? I’m not ready to hear.

She was gone and nobody else seemed to care.

It’s all my fault. I did this. Wasn’t someone out there missing her? Grieving? Why do I get to walk free? They should have me chained up. She couldn't have killed someone. Wouldn’t even hurt a fly. She was kind and we all took it for granted. Maybe it was something else. I had to be wrong. I can make it up to…her. This is all my fault. I was so stupid. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. I should’ve done something. Anything at all, but I didn’t. Now it’s too…late. I can’t go back. I acted on fear. Now, look where she lays now. It’s all my fault.

We’ve been kept in the dark. The teachers don’t talk and neither do the parents.

It's like she never existed. It’s all my fault. I wish to take it back, but it doesn’t matter, her blood is still on my hands. How could I ever be forgiven of that?

“You did this,” many tell me.

I know. I killed her. I can’t go back. I had a choice and chose the wrong one. I let my judgment pass on her and now look where she is at. Her casket was staring up at me. I’m sorry! It’s too late. It’s all my fault. I had a choice. I’ve gone down the wrong path. I’m not a hero, I’m a murderer.

“It wasn't your fault, Tyler. It was her choice.” Someone told me, but I’ve stopped listening.

It’s all my fault. She couldn’t have hurt someone, not even a fly. How could she have done it? Why didn’t I change? Was I too quick to judge the situation? It’s all my fault. Who knew life could end so quickly? I could’ve tried. Anything at all. But I didn’t. Now, her blood is on my hands. It’s okay, for the others have given me the same treatment. It’s what I deserve. Make me feel her pain.

“You killed her.”

I know. It's all my fault. It’s all my fault. I had a choice and chose wrong. Look what I have done. Her blood is on my hands. I should’ve never bullied her at all. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault.

“It’s not your fault, Tyler. You didn’t know.”

But I did. It was my fault. I pushed her to the edge, until she broke. It’s all my fault and I can’t do anything about it. She is dead. I am not. What does this make me? Guilty. It makes me guilty. If I were to show the judge the blood on my hands, I know for sure they’d arrest me on the spot.

“Tyler, you're a hero.”

I’m no hero, I’m a guilty man. Except no one has come to pick me up, but someone keeps paying bail. I’m a murderer. A coward too. I didn’t help her. I just made it worse. I pushed her to the edge. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t be here at all. I deserve the death penalty. A life for a life. I chose the wrong path, the wrong words. It’s all my fault.

“I forgive you.”

Those three words caught me off guard. She stood in front of me, eyes watering. Hailey Hallows. Lisa’s best friend.

Why would she forgive me? It’s all my fault. I killed her! I killed her best friend.

“It’s my fault,” we say in unison.

“It’s my fault,” I repeat.

“I should’ve…” A tear escaped out of her eye.

“I could’ve…” My voice trembles.

She wiped her eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“What should we do?”

We were both at a loss of words.

“We can help people like Lisa.”