Contest #231 shortlist ⭐️

Koi Under Ice

Submitted into Contest #231 in response to: Write a story about hope.... view prompt

64 comments

Sad Fiction

Inasaki primary was no more than ten minutes’ walk from my father-in-law's place, small, cramped quarters that were only meant to be our temporary home, but I still had the kids dressed and fed and out of the house by ten past seven. There was a tension in the air that morning, and for everyone’s sake, it was best we were gone before she woke. The kids didn’t need to witness another scene like the one the night before, and I didn’t need to be a part of one.

“Do you have to go online and play that stupid game the second you get home? Could you not spare two minutes to give your kids a goodnight kiss and ask them how they are? How they are getting on in school or...anything? And why are you so late again, anyway? You can’t be working overtime every day? Did you stop on the way home to meet him?”

Our weekday morning routine was usually an uneventful rush. Slam out of the house on the precipice of late at ten to nine. Struggle up the unforgiving, tarmacked hill to the road. Cross the small pedestrian bridge to the grass verge and path on the other side. Follow the cycle path and running track past tennis court and skate park and well-furnished playground to the schoolyard full of polite, obedient children, carefully lined-up and presided over by colourfully dressed, abnormally happy teachers.

“No, I didn't meet him and even if I did it's none of your business. I can talk to him, in my own language, and we have stuff in common, that's all. But I did stay late in the office, it’s impossible to leave before the boss, nobody does that! I am so tired after work, I don’t have energy for the kids. That’s your job! I just want to complete some daily missions in my game and chat with my friends before bed, what’s wrong with that?”

That chill November morning was different. That morning, we didn’t go up the hill, or cross the bridge, or follow the path. We had time to kill so we went the long way, out of the house and left, past the motorway off-ramp on one side and the small, neatly kept graveyard on the other. I let my gaze roam over the polished marble headstones lined up like soldiers as we passed, remembering how once upon a time a fuss had been made over that graveyard, when she said her ashes would be interred there, but mine, as a Westerner, would not be welcome. It had been a cause for concern back in the day. I’d argued we’d have to find a way to make it work, which was funny because now it didn’t matter. These last few months I’d become aware an end was coming, but it wasn’t the one I’d expected, and I no longer wanted to rest there.

“My job? Yes, I know that, and I’m doing a good one! I get them up, and dressed, and fed, I make their lunches and get them to school, I collect them, help them with their homework, make dinner, bath them, get them to bed and try to make sure they have fun. I do it all, even at the weekends when you go off to meet...friends. I appreciate you are working hard but there doesn't seem to be much money coming in, and the kids need some attention from their mother. Even just a bit. Is it too much to ask for you fit them into your schedule and give them a little of your time?”

I walked with the boys past the graveyard to the stream that ran behind the local shrine. The water was still and devoid of life now, but in the summer it was filled with insects and amphibians and crayfish of all shapes and sizes. We’d spent many long hours there, catching them with nets and putting them in jars to take home, it was a popular pastime amongst the kids of the small, country town and it was nice to see my boys joining in.

Unfortunately, the crayfish never lived long once they were caught. We tried hard to keep them alive, feeding them insects and changing their water, but they were basically dead as soon as they were taken from the stream. Glen recalled the biggest one they’d caught, the red and blue one with the missing claw they’d nicknamed Lobster America. We’d managed to keep that one for three whole days, long enough for them to grow attached to it, so they’d felt a sense of loss when it died too. From then on, we had a catch and release policy only. There was enough misery in the house by that stage, I didn’t need anything else failing.

“I told you so many times, I am not a motherly person! I don’t like kidstuff, playing silly games and reading stories! You are good at that! You can’t speak Japanese so you can't get a job here, that makes you useless. So you have to stay home and mind the kids!”

The boys were laughing about the time Carl got too close to the edge of the stream and slipped, plunging up to his knees in muddy water. It was good to see them smile, it made me smile too, but I felt guilty instantly, because they were behaving like nothing was wrong and I knew everything was. When Jake said he was looking forward to next summer and catching an even bigger Lobster America, I knew it was time to move on, so I challenged them to a race and we ran to the river the stream flowed into, and the arched, wooden bridge that stretched across it.

“Useless? Rearing our kids single-handedly is useless? Kids you wanted to have, but now have no time for? What are we even doing here? We were only supposed to be here a couple of months. It was supposed to be a holiday, and a break for me after the redundancy, to give me time to plan my next move. And what happens? You dump me and the kids on your dad and disappear from our lives completely. The boys miss you. They aren’t happy. They can’t speak the language and they don’t have any friends. Can we just go back to Ireland? We’re running out of money to pay the mortgage, the house is sitting empty, with all our stuff in it, getting damp. At the very least let's go back for a year and make a plan. We can't just leave everything the way it is. I can't go back alone, who'll look after the kids if I do? We have to go back together, even for a year. Please.”

It was eight a.m. and time was marching on. The boys reached the glossy red bridge and ran to its centre, stuck their heads through the guard rail to look in the water. This was another of our regular haunts, places we enjoyed hanging out. The river was home to a school of enormous koi, beautifully coloured in splotches of black, white and orange. In warmer weather, they would rise to the surface in response to movement on the bridge, undulating like the tentacles of some great river deity. Their faces would appear, mouths popping open as if gasping for air but really just wanting to be fed.

The boys loved how the fish would thrash around to get at the rice and lettuce leaves and scraps of leftover food they threw, making sure to spread it out so each and every one of them got a bite. It was too cold for that now, though. The fish had entered their dormant state and were hovering a few inches below the surface, mostly unmoving, conserving energy to best survive the winter. This lack of movement caused my boys concern. ‘Are they dead, Daddy? Are they dying?’ ‘No, just sort of hibernating, like the bears do, in the winter. It looks weird but they’ll be back to their old selves in the spring.’

As long as the river didn’t ice over and cause them to suffocate. I didn’t tell them that bit, but I sniffed when I realised that’s what was happening to us. Our world had been freezing for some time now and if I didn’t act soon, we’d be belly up like koi under ice.

“The kids, the kids, the kids, that’s all you ever think about! What about me? I’m not happy in Ireland! All my friends came back home, I have no one to meet there anymore. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. And the weather is always bad. I hate it! I’m sorry but I’m not going back there. Ever! I know you and the kids want to and you can, I don’t care. But I’m staying here, I decided.”

Moving on from the river, we made our way to the playground, a vibrant place full of colour and laughter in the summer, not so much now that winter had come to embrace it. The red and purple Japanese maples that bordered the area on three sides had lost nearly all of their leaves and the trees looked naked and embarrassed as they stood there exposed to the elements. The sand pit was empty, the swings weren’t swinging, the slides rose up like the stripped-bare bones of some long dead mythical monsters. The high-pitched buzzing of the summer cicadas was a distant memory, as was the sound of happy children, and a deathly silence hung in the air. I let the boys break that silence for a time, while I bought a can of hot coffee from the nearby vending machine, then sat on a metal bench to watch them play, schoolbags bouncing on their backs.

“And that’s it? Just like that, you’re giving up? After ten years of marriage? But why am I not surprised? You gave up on us a long time ago. After Jack was born. You’ve been a shadow in this family for years, I was just too scared to accept it. I thought I could fix things if I gave you what you wanted, space, independence, but you want more, freedom we can’t give you right now. Does everything we built mean nothing? Is that what you’re saying? Does none of it matter anymore? I know it's not easy. I know you've grown unhappy living in Ireland, I get it, but we have a life there, a home, we at least need to tidy things up before making a change. What am I supposed to do, I can't fix it alone.”

I finished my coffee at 8.25 and walked to the road, calling the boys. Time to finish the journey. Their faces fell when they remembered. This wasn’t a fun day out with Dad. It was a normal weekday and they had hours of being anxious ahead, not understanding what their teachers were saying, doing their best to avoid participation. I hated seeing them like that. I’d hoped they’d get the hang of it and be able to adapt and fit in, but after six months it just wasn’t happening. They hadn’t been given a grounding in the language back in Ireland, she’d never took the time or made the effort. They were floundering, like grounded fish gasping for air, and I could see in their eyes how much it stressed them.

It wasn’t right.

“I don't care! I’m not going back. I told you. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t want that life there anymore. I'm sorry. It’s over. Let’s get a divorce!”

I brought them to the school gates and said goodbye, sent them through and watched them trudge to their lines, to be greeted by cheerful teachers, who beamed effortlessly and patted them on the head, speaking reassuring words they didn’t know. All three of them looked back nervously to see if I was still there. I smiled and waved and slowly walked away, a terrible ache in my chest and a lump in my throat.

Winter, like Death, had come to call, claiming what it wanted as it spread, the crayfish, the koi, the maple leaves and cicadas, the happiness and laughter that we loved. This year, it had claimed something else as well, something it had been after for some time, something that had finally run its course.

I returned to the bench in the park and lit a cigarette, smoked it to its halfway point then stubbed it out on the hard, cold earth and took out my phone.

No messages. Why would there be?

I created one, selected her name, typed a word, the only one I had, which was enough. I pressed send and sat back, looked at the four black letters in the small green box on the screen. Four letters that confirmed an acceptance of something that had been lurking at the fringes of reality for a very long time.

Okay, they simply read.

And I knew, as difficult as it was going to be, as hard on the kids, as devastating, it was the only thing I could do. It was the right thing to do. For her. For me. For them and for all of our futures.

I had to strike out and crack the ice.

It was the only way we were going to survive.

And for the first time in a long time, now that the decision had been made...

I knew that we would.


January 05, 2024 23:59

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64 comments

Trudy Jas
17:51 Jan 12, 2024

Congratulations! Two in a row!

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21:05 Jan 12, 2024

Eeeee thanks!!!

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Kevin Logue
17:31 Jan 12, 2024

Another shortlist! Well done Derrick. I'll be back later for a proper read!

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21:05 Jan 12, 2024

Cheers Kevin. This is different from my usual crazy stuff ...

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Claire Trbovic
16:56 Jan 12, 2024

Really loved the structure and composition of this piece, interjecting dialogue quite bluntly between the narrative, really clever and striking. Beautifully told, and so moving. Thanks so much for sharing.

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21:04 Jan 12, 2024

Thank you Claire!

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Shirley Medhurst
13:00 Jan 12, 2024

SO SO moving! Words wrenched from the heart… Thank you for sharing this story 🙏

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21:03 Jan 12, 2024

Thanks Shirley 🙏

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16:06 Jan 10, 2024

You cover a lot of familiar ground in this one. Well written. And I had gotten my start in Japan with a year out in saitama with a team of irish engineers from Cork if you know anyone like that. Been away for 20 years but still miss the uniqueness of it all.

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10:41 Jan 11, 2024

Hi Scott yes I remember you mentioning you lived in Japan before. I do miss it as well despite how things ended up. My ex is still there, she never did return to Ireland or the family and I have raised the kids here since 2012. We are in contact and in touch regularly, and the kids visit now as well, so it has worked out more or less okay after all the heartache and difficulties. Such is life. I wouldnt know Saitama well, we were based in Tokyo, definitely an amazing place and dying to get back there in the future. Did you learn any of the l...

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Erin Bell
14:04 Jan 10, 2024

Ouch my heart! What a beautifully sad picture you painted which offers relief only by accepting that things are in fact at rock bottom and can only become better for everyone involved by a dramatic shift. The line: "the trees looked naked and embarrassed as they stood there exposed to the elements." Is absolutely brilliant. It perfectly describes the trees in winter right now. Well done

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14:54 Jan 10, 2024

Thank you Erin! :) That pretty much sums it up. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just accept there is no way to fix things and as hard as it is you have to give up. Yes I like that line too! Thanks !

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Marty B
06:28 Jan 10, 2024

My sister from the US, went through a similar culture shock in Hong Kong, and it also ended poorly. Cross culture relationships are hard, they need extra communication, and each side to compromise. I appreciated the themes of winter, and of death intertwined around a challenging relationship. Thanks!

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10:42 Jan 11, 2024

Very very difficult to maintain, the distance alone becomes a major factor when one or other of the parties starts to miss home and family.... tough one. But I have no regrets as we have four amazing kids as a result! :)

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Marty B
17:07 Jan 12, 2024

Congratulations! well deserved!!

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21:04 Jan 12, 2024

😊

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Michał Przywara
21:36 Jan 09, 2024

Great story, and as others have said, very sad indeed. I see this is based on real experiences - sorry to hear that. It does read very real. I love the use of winter here, of the looming frost. It makes the imagery of breaking out to something more hopeful come to life. Fitting, with the hibernating koi analogy, and the worry the children have about the fish. Weaving the old conversations into the walk with the sons is a neat way of showing what weighs on the narrator's mind. Just as he walks to a destination in the physical world, so to...

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11:50 Jan 13, 2024

Thanks Michal. A strange detour into mundane reality for me..back to tales of action and fantasy this week!

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23:29 Sep 02, 2024

Another worthy shortlist. It flowed, as intended, like a current beneath a veil of frost and ice. It was deep, and a good reminder that letting go is the only way we truly heal sometimes. Not your usual darkness, but a well written and thoughtful piece. As always good sir. Well Done!

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Nina H
10:46 Jun 13, 2024

The metaphor of koi under ice is perfect for this sad tale. Staying together isn’t always what will make everyone happy. It seems there was a happy ending here, hard as the path was. Beautifully written, Derrick! 🌟

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16:23 Jun 13, 2024

Thanks Nina. Long hard road indeed and I had to sacrifice a lot in terms of career and relationships but....worth it to have great happy kids and the bond I have with them now is priceless

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Nina H
16:45 Jun 13, 2024

That sounds like a pretty happy ending for you! I’m glad it all worked out, and you’re in a good place!

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21:08 Feb 19, 2024

Had to read it when I saw the shortlist. Again! I can understand why she didn't want to live in Ireland. A friend of mine married an Irish guy she fell in love with. My husband and I attended their wedding. My brother set up a company to give him work. To immigration it seemed not above board. We told him what to do to to stay in the country. The only thing he did was have a beautiful wedding with photos and friends. The rest he didn't do. He did have an additional reason for dragging my friend who suffers from depression back to Ireland. H...

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Story Time
04:20 Jan 16, 2024

I loved the juxtaposition between the different sections. You showed so much versatility here compared to your other stuff that I've read. I love that you're not afraid to mix things up. Well done.

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14:59 Jan 16, 2024

Thanks Kevin! Appreciate those words! :)

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Joe Smallwood
17:44 Jan 15, 2024

Cheers Derrick! I liked this story better than anything of yours that I have read up to now. A sad story about hope! I especially liked the long paragraphs filled with descriptions of scenery and such. I might try writing like that. Oh one more thing! I have trouble with reading stories that are intricate and have convoluted plots. This story of yours was much easier to follow than some I have read. Great stuff.

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18:02 Jan 15, 2024

Thanks Joe! Appreciate the feedback and your opinion. Yes my stories can be a bit convoluted alright lol not for everyone I know but glad I got one you could enjoy! :)

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Philip Ebuluofor
17:52 Jan 14, 2024

Congrats.

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18:28 Jan 14, 2024

Thanks Philip :)

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Philip Ebuluofor
08:17 Jan 16, 2024

My pleasure.

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Sara Thomas
11:12 Jan 14, 2024

This story perfectly captures the devastation you feel when a marriage is dying. Good read.

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13:27 Jan 14, 2024

Thanks Sara! Had a quick look at your.bio and see you are into scifi so I'll definitely checking you stories out later! :)

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Myranda Marie
00:23 Jan 14, 2024

Wow! Congrats again my friend!

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13:28 Jan 14, 2024

Thanks 🙏🙏🙏

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James Lane
04:56 Jan 13, 2024

Wow Derrick! I could feel the raw emotion in this story. You captured the despair and loneliness of a failing relationship excellently (especially in a foreign country - I went through a similar experience with an ex in China). Thanks so much for sharing.

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11:51 Jan 13, 2024

Thank you James. Sorry to to hear you had a similar experience. But what doesn't break us makes us stronger right?

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03:36 Jan 13, 2024

Congrats on another shortlist1 You have quite a range of genres you write very well.

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13:28 Jan 14, 2024

Thanks Scott!

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03:16 Jan 13, 2024

Great story. Congratulations! There might be a typo. Typos are like roaches- very hard to get rid of them all. “it too much to ask for you [to] fit them into your schedule” -CC

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11:51 Jan 13, 2024

Thanks CC! Missed that one! Thanks for pointing it out!

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John Boyack
01:13 Jan 13, 2024

Very lovely story, though sad. This was my favorite this week. I lived in Japan for 3 years a long time ago. You captured the neighborhoods and culture nicely. I love the details of your descriptions. Congratulations!

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11:51 Jan 13, 2024

Thank you John much appreciated!

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