Old and New Flames

I got up early one Sunday morning in the fall, got my coffee mug and held it while I stood looking out the window at the leaves starting to come down. It was a breezy day, and it was starting to become colder. My husband Todd and I had been married for 5 years and we lived in a suburban neighborhood in NY State with our two small children, and we had a ranch style home. Our home was in a highly wooded area so we would get mountains of leaves every fall and I sighed thinking about all the work ahead raking and bagging those leaves. I turned to see Todd gathering his things to leave to watch football games with his friends and he gave me a goodbye kiss and told me to have a good day. I wished him the same.

Todd and I had met in college and enjoyed going to parties together and started dating and then took the next natural step of getting married. He asked me to marry him while we were in his hometown visiting his mom. We went for a walk and ended up in a gazebo in a local park and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I enthusiastically said yes and was so happy. We told everyone and they were all happy for us.

After we were married, we started to try to get pregnant but that took a while. Once we finally had our first daughter, we were so overjoyed with her and Todd was such a wonderful father. We got pregnant again shortly after and though I think he wanted a son; he was ecstatic that it was another girl. I was a data manager in a company and was able to work from home most of the time, so I felt our lives together were very good. He went out frequently with his guy friends and I did as well with my girlfriends, and we also enjoyed doing lots of things together, listening to music and watching movies.

After Todd left for the day, I hurried in as I heard my 3-year-old daughter stirring. I liked to get her ready to come out of the room so she wouldn’t prematurely wake up my 1-year-old daughter who slept in the crib in the same bedroom with her.

After I got her breakfast and got her involved playing with her toys, my youngest woke up so I got her changed, gave her breakfast and then they were playing together in their bedroom, I sat down at my desk to do some work and check my emails and was surprised to see an email from Mark. I wondered why he would be reaching out to me.

Mark was my first boyfriend when I was in 7^th and 8^th grades. I used to be a constant fixture at his house with his parents and his younger sister. I ate dinner there many times, would help his mom with the dishes and we would all play board games together. His dad would drive us on our little dates to the movies. He came over to my house just as often and my mom really liked him too because he was respectful and helped with chores at our house.

We remained friends and were on and off romantically involved throughout high school. One day, his dad called me and told me he had been in an accident on his bike and was in hospital. I went to the hospital to visit him for the couple of days he was there and later when he came home, I visited and helped him with his road rash, cleaning the wounds and changing his bandages. He was dating someone else at the time, but she wasn’t helping him. I sat in his room talking to him and told him that I missed us being together. I pointed out that I cared more about him than her since I was there helping him. He told me that he really liked her and wanted to see where it would go. I was hurt that he still wanted to be with her after I had been there helping him. I left that day, and we didn’t speak as much after that, but we remained friendly if we happened to see each other.

When we graduated from high school we went our separate ways, and I didn’t really see him that much. Years later when I joined Facebook, he sent me a friend request and so we would wish each other happy birthdays and occasionally comment on each other’s posts.

I opened the email from Mark and began to read. He told me that he was on a journey of self-improvement and learning about himself. He asked if I would talk to him so he could tell me more about what was going on with him. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop the next day. When Todd came home that night, I told him about the encounter and that I was going to meet him during my lunch the next day. He said he was ok with it but seemed a little bit off. I wondered if he was jealous, so I said there is nothing to worry about and he seemed to soften and say, “I know.”

The next morning, I got the girls up and ready and dropped them off at childcare and headed to work. At lunchtime, I headed over to the coffee shop and saw that Mark was already there, seated at a small table in the corner. He got up to give me a hug and asked if I wanted a coffee or something. I told him what I wanted, and he went to order it. After he sat back down, we started talking. He told me about this spiritual journey he was on and that it was called Eckankar. He has been learning that in every lifetime, someone finds themselves going through similar challenges or patterns. It is the soul’s way of learning that lesson in that lifetime so that when they die and come back to another body, they can hopefully move onto another lesson. While he has been going through this process, he has realized that he was selfish and only centered on what was good for him throughout his life and that along the way, he felt as though he didn’t treat people well.

Mark said, “Do you remember that time I grabbed your leg to get you to stop talking when we were at my cousin’s house?”

I said, “Yes, of course I do.” We had been arguing about something small and I could really dig in and keep arguing because I knew I was right, and we had been at it for a while, and he was getting really frustrated. I was sitting on the sofa next to him and he grabbed my leg and squeezed and said, “Stop!”. I was so shocked that he did that, I began to cry and ran out to go home. It was about a month later when he had the accident and then we didn’t see each other much after that.

“I want to apologize for doing that and say I am sorry for not treating you well at other times. You were always good to me, and you deserved better than how I treated you,” Mark said.

“I am glad that you are owning up to not always treating me well and that you are on this journey of self-help. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I always treated you in the best way either. We were young and learning and made a lot of mistakes.”

Mark said, “I agree but for my part I wanted to apologize, and I also wanted to explain something to you.” He hesitated for a minute, looking down. I said, “It’s ok, you can tell me if you want or you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

He said, “I am gay and have been seeing someone steady now for about a year. When I was younger, I just needed things to look a certain way because I was afraid someone would see what was going on with me and it would come out.” He went on to say, “you would question a lot of things about me and sometimes I just wanted you to stop talking because you were making sense, but I didn’t want you or anyone to find out I was gay.”

I said “Oh Mark, I am sorry that you had to go through that. I am glad that you feel comfortable enough now to say that to me.”

Mark asked, “Did you know or suspect I was gay?”

I answered, “No, I don’t think so. The 80s were a different time when we really didn’t discuss things like that, so it didn’t really cross my mind about anyone. Now, thinking back somewhat, it makes sense, I guess.”

Mark said, “Can you forgive me for how I treated you?”

I said, “Yes of course and I am glad we had this talk. Are you happy with your boyfriend?”

Mark said, “Yes very much so but it has not been easy for us. He has been in the closet too and has a relationship with someone that he must untangle from.”

I said, “Well I know it can be hard for people to live their truth but hopefully he will be able to move toward being with you without those other strings.”

Mark just looked at me and I saw pain flash across in his eyes and he turned to look away. “Unfortunately, there is something else I need to apologize for.”

I looked at him and he was looking over at the door to the coffee shop. I turned to look at the doorway to see what he was looking at. There, standing in the doorway, was Todd, looking over first at Mark and then at me. He started to make his way over to us and it was as if time was slowing down. I just looked back and forth between them and saw the look they were giving each other as Todd came closer. There was something they were communicating with each other as Todd crossed the room. He sat down with us and was looking at Mark and then he looked down.

I looked at Todd and said, “Is Mark who you were seeing during the ‘football games’ and ‘guys nights’?”

Todd dragged his eyes upward to look at me and said, “I didn’t know how to tell you. I am so sorry.”