The Burthen of Mercy

I remember when this sinful woman stood frozen in place while the entire crowd began to walk away in complete silence. The heavy stones she thought would threaten her life were now lying idle on the ground all around her. Her trembling body was still shaking, but she forced a breath of air to fill her lungs so she could once again begin to breathe. Dust clung like glue to her bare feet, her heart still racing with the memory of raised fists surrounding her with murder in mind.

Without the crowd closing in on her, she lowered her eyes while Jesus' words echoed in her mind. "Whoever has never committed a sin, may cast the first stone." Silence began to commence, followed by many decelerated steps as, one by one, the men slipped away. Her hands became isotonic as she clenched them tightly together, digging her nails into her palms.

"Nor do I condemn you. Go and keep from sinning any longer." He spoke. His forgiving words resettled the fear in her chest and gave her hope all at once.

She didn't dare look Him in the face, instead turning away from Him where He stood. Her legs felt debile, but she forced them to carry her. The ground under her feet brushed against her skin as she walked away from the temple court. The light beating down on her from the sun cast such a long shadow that it stretched before her.

Each individual step took much-needed effort. She fought back at the tightness that wrapped around her chest from the image of the crowd standing all around her, stones in hand. She could almost feel the stones strike her very flesh. She could see the anger in the eyes of her accusers. Her body quacked in response, yet she did not dare stop.

That's when the whispering reached both of her ears as she made her way down the narrow streets. She caught glimpses of the strangers' mumbling judgments, while they began to cast sidelong glances. Some even spun around, turning their backs to her, pretending like they couldn't see. She felt her shoulders fall forward, hunching over with grief. The weight of their judgment pressed deep down on her, filling her with undeniable weakness.

She didn't dare lift her head. Her shawl laid over her body loosely, without offering any real protection from the many eyes she strolled past. The pain and the SHAME burned a hole in her heart, and she began to stumble. With gritted teeth, she steadied her gate. She refused to let herself fall.

With each new step, a rhythm started that carried her forward, while her mind spun out of control and began to race. Once again, she could hear their voices still - forceful and full of anger built to kill. "We caught her in the act, read-handed!" One of them shouted. The words bounced off her skull, twisting itself among her memories, begging to be allowed to blend in. They demand to be repetitive; what a curse it would bring.

Here comes the guilt, bitter and accusing. She swallowed, choking on her own throat. His voice reminded her of her grandfather; it had authority yet drifted through the air so gently. She couldn't understand why He gave her such mercy, allowing her to walk away, very much still alive.

Her hands began to enkindle, causing her to clench her shawl. Oh, how she wished she could just flee. The desire to be hidden flooded her senses. The path home extended past so many familiar houses, yet her surroundings felt foreign. The walls she always passed began to feel much taller than before.

The doors she once passed through no longer welcomed her; now stood totally closed. Their entranceways were now shrouded in darkness, no longer inviting; instead, they stood hopelessly cold.

A distant bark could be heard in the distance. The sound, sharp and alarming, broke through the quiet evening. It made her heart leap into her throat, and she scanned her surroundings. Half expecting to find a familiar face following too close, she found that she was still all alone. Exhaling with relief, she kept walking home.

No matter how steady her breathing was, her chest was still so tight. She kept repeating His words under her breath, hoping to discover why they seemed to be just enough to keep her upright. "Nor do I condemn you." She couldn't comprehend how it was possible. Her head began to judder, so she resisted thinking about it any longer.

Oh, how her feet ached from the journey. The road back home seemed to take much longer than it ever had before. Her steps produced an echo, reminding her of the distance she had created by the mistake she had made.

That's when the flashbacks began. The men's faces twisted with anger, sneering at her with clenched fists. They all held stones above their heads, just waiting for the moment Jesus agreed with their thirst to kill her. She still couldn't believe He forgave her so easily. But what if those men come to find her and kill her anyway?

She started walking faster, picking up the pace. Her breath caught in her throat, and her heart beat so rapidly. She wondered if she had always been so debauched. She whipped her head around behind her once again, looking for a friend but finding no one.

She glanced at the sun as it began to dip lower, ready to fill the sky with beautifully placed colors. As it began to set, it cast shadows all along the edge of the buildings. She imagined them closing in on her; she could actually feel the weight they carried press down on her shoulders.

All of a sudden, she felt a flicker within her - a faint spark that traveled through her so intensely. Her fragile spirit couldn't recognize this warm feeling. It grew within her, daring to confront the overwhelming guilt she harbored.

"Go and keep from sinning any longer." She wondered if it really was that simple. Could her moment of adultery seriously change her life for the better? She began to walk slower. She took a deep breath, the air filling every single lobe of her lungs. The fear she was feeling began to subside a bit.

She focused on the repetitious movement of her steps and the warmth under her feet as she moved forward toward the home she shared with her husband. Her home came into view; the familiar edifice now changed forever. She stepped toward the front door, frozen in place.

She raised her trembling hand up to the doorknob with hesitation. That's when the memories came flooding through her mind. The disgraceful act she committed against her husband broke her in that moment. The guilt rushed through her body with unrelenting force.

But once again, His voice echoed in her mind: "Nor do I condemn you." She sighed, her hand hovering over the doorknob still, as her heartbeat pulsed through her body, causing her to feel lightheaded. She closed her eyes lightly, as a prayer formed in her heart.

It was a plea for forgiveness, redemption, and hope. She finally lifted her head and opened the door. The darkness beckoned her to go inside. She wasn't too sure where the rest of her life would take her, but in her heart, she knew that this journey would lead to something new—something worth living for, knowing that Jesus accepted her as she was.

Once she was inside her home, the shadows in the room consumed her. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, familiar shapes came into view—the table her husband had made with his own two hands, the bed they shared every night, and a wineskin she shared with him the night before still lay on the table. Now half empty, the wine inside was no longer worth tasting.

She could remember every moment of love shared between them at that moment, how loved and cherished she had felt the day they got married. Her breath began to become short and labored, and the tightness in her chest seemed to suffocate her even further.

She turned and shut the door behind her, the sound reverberating through her being, sounding so final and certain. The silence was deafening. It felt heavier than the stones that were never thrown. She found herself breaking under the pressure of the mistakes she had allowed herself to make so easily.

In one swift moment, she dropped to her knees with a loud thud, while the pain from hitting the stone floor pierced through them. She didn't wince from the pain or let it distract her. How could she when she was so broken?

She slowly lifted her head and looked up at the ceiling, tears threatening to spill over. Her thoughts swirled around inside her head like storm clouds when they threatened to cause destruction when it rained. Many words danced on her tongue, as her lips began to tremble from the confessions that came.

"Go and keep from sinning any longer." His kind words of hope resounded once again. To her, they seemed like a command, but it was more than that. It also felt like an invitation. Tears began to stream down her face, escaping from her eyes so sincerely. Her cheeks had become colorized, now crimson and sodden, as she quietly whispered, "How?" Her voice began to break as she spoke, regretting her decision to infract.

Her question hung in the dry air, just lingering there. Her loud and raw plea filled the silence around her; it felt so different. With her head bowed, she wrapped her arms around her body while rocking back and forth on her knees.

Time passed, but she hadn't noticed. Whether she had been in that position for a mere five minutes or for five hours, she didn't care. She stayed like that while the darkness in the room from the sun finally setting covered her. Her guilt began to shift, and the mercy of Jesus surrounded her. His spirit filled her heart and just sat with her, such a steady presence that he promised would never leave her.