Stoplights

Even with the windows down, the air in the car was so thick it felt like I was trying to swallow a spoonful of peanut butter. I couldn’t, or I had forgotten how to swallow... well, anything, much less air. My chest felt too heavy to expand for a breath and I noticed my heartbeat slamming around my ribcage before I looked at Jennifer who was sitting quietly in the driver seat.

The bright red light of the stop light changed the tone of her light brown skin to something almost scary. Though I was sure she was breathing, she had grown so still I couldn’t see her chest rising and falling, and her eyes didn’t move, she didn’t blink. The white knuckles on her steering wheel also distorted by the light showed her frustration though, as she just stared straight ahead.

I set my right hand on the passenger side door just as I bore down the suddenly uncontrollable urge to jump out of the car, anything to get very far from this stifling energy. All I had done was ask a question of sorts, but really I just made a statement. No harm in that right?

“Hey, if Jessica or KC ever suggest you to do some crazy shit for money, don’t do it ok? Find another way. Any other way.”

If that was the cause of this near catatonic state she was in; son of a bitch, I was right. What I’d just said, and her reaction… the moment she went deathly silent. Seemingly random puzzle pieces before began falling into place, and the picture it created wasn't one I liked looking at.

That moment told me my gut had been correct about more than some of the coincidental shit that’d happened to me over the last year. I only had a suspicion that her new roommates intentionally put her in a place where she couldn’t pay her rent on time, unless she did.... blank. I watched KC; one of the roommates claiming to be a lesbian yet she played a little boy for her john's on occasion, I watched her spend the three hundred dollars that was missing for rent, on another new bong the day before everyone returned from out of town, a few days before rent was due.

I knew I was taking a chance in telling Jennifer anything, she’d likely tell our mutual friends, and they’d know I'd seen their true colors. It was a chance I’m glad I took though because I learned very quickly, within moments really, who were my friends, and who I should get far, far away from.

Up until seeing Jennifer's reaction I was only pretty positive I was right about some of the connections I’d seen and I’d only begun doubting my intuition after I got out of the Army. I think this is the natural result from having to trust the commands of someone else, despite my gut telling me to run the other god dang way. So, the military trains out intuition as best it can and trains in, muscle memory. Thank you very much Army.

There is a saying, something about get busy making plans for yourself or others will make them for you. The most logical conclusion for me to draw, if I were this close to the coercion and manipulation, how far had I been played into the game? Who all was involved and how do I get out?

Jennifer exhaled and all my thoughts zeroed in on the moment as the light switched to green and the tone of her skin became sickly. I waited to see what she’d do next like prey would if a predator were too close.

Before she pressed the gas, she did an entire body roll. While gripping the steering wheel, her white knuckles regained some of her original tone as she lifted the left side of her body completely off the seat and rolled the energy until the left was down and the right was up. Just before she sat down straight backed and she took a long deep breath in and exhaled completely before pressing the gas lightly and taking the left turn. It was as if the entire world had stopped too, no one honked behind us, no one rushed her.

I never saw Jennifer again. I was invited to her apartment once, and though I was told she would show, she never did. I wanted to see if she was alright, but the people who had her locked in, had locked me out. I remember the female Jessica who roped Jennifer in to begin with, she was "dating" KC. When Jennifer finally came into the complex from the parking lot she slipped my phone from my pocket and held it out to me, waiting for me to punch in the code. When she rolled her eyes and insisted by pushing the phone closer to my face I pressed in my code.

As she began talking, she was searching google.

“Hey, did you hear about this veteran who died here last year?”

The look on her face, the glint in her eye when she looked up and handed me the phone, along with her body language said that what was about to follow was very significant.

“Well, he was offered an opportunity that he was too good to accept.”

For effect she tapped the screen of my phone and grinned at me.

"They say he was shot in the side of the head talking to someone in the passenger seat."

There were no more words shared, I glanced at the article, as she basically skipped to the apartment door. I turned to walk home as my phone rang. The timing was too coincidental. It was the guy, Aaron; he was my pot dealer who I met through my cousin, he was also apparently Jessica, Jennifer’s and KC’s “manager”. Which I later learned was another term for “pimp”.

The rumors about me since then, all began under some pretense that I'm a snitch. And for those inclined to believe such nonsense about me. I'd like you to know snitching is when someone who IS complicit in the wrong-doing, rats out their friends. Snitching is not when someone reports illegal shit they see and want no part of.

Some people in my family told me I should'a kept my mouth shut, but... how am I meant to stay quiet after seeing what is happening to kids -young adults- for the benefit of some middle-aged felon who already sold his soul down the river?

Poisoning these young, potentially great minds with nonsensical shit about a life of crime being worth more than honest livin'? Conning and coercing them into doing things that put them in a catatonic state when reminded of the moment?

Bleh. It makes me vomit a little in my mouth.

Screw them, they deserve whatever life throw's at them.

And all their insistence on proving to me that no one would sacrifice what I did, or would for others? Their continuing to harassing me, as a means to prove this. I ask myself every day that one of these pricks try to scare me, I ask... was it worth it?

Fuck yes. It was worth it. I'd do it again too. SO, if you're doing shit that hurts otherwise innocent people... stay the fuck out of my line of sight.

Oh and if you hear any rumors about me? Before you judge me think on these lyrics I began to live by,

"People say believe half of what you see,

And darlin' none of what you hear... "