Walking with Shadows

Walking with Shadows

There was a young woman in California who lived in the San Francisco area. Her name was Sarah Wilson, and she was an aspiring student at a nearby university. She studied everyday and maintained a 3.5 GPA. She said that her parents were proud of her, and that they were going to buy her a new car for her birthday. Next year will be her final year at university, and then she would go on to finish her PhD at another school. As she walked along the Golden Gate Bridge, she could feel a cool breeze brush across her face Most days she would enjoy the feeling, which felt like a silk scarf. Today, however, it felt like cold comfort.

Sarah had been feeling isolated for a very long time, and every time she walked along the bridge, she would look down to see how high of a fall she would take if she jumped off. To most of her friends, Sarah lived the ideal life with parents who supported her, and a dream career awaiting her. However, it was her parents who chose the life for her, and she had to struggle with feelings of unfulfillment and loneliness for years. Sarah only pretended to be happy around her parents as she knew that it was expected of her. She was always afraid of disappointing her friends and family, which was why she never talked about it. Sarah also became better at putting up a façade, where she was happy as she was afraid of being judged.

One day while she walked along the bridge, she spoke to herself about jumping off. “Would anyone miss me,” said Sarah, “I hope that at least one of my friends would.” Sarah also had to struggle with feelings that no one would miss her as she was and felt like nobody. “Maybe Alice would miss me, she was the only one who ever treated me like a friend. I don’t know if anyone else will though.”

As Sarah looked downwards, she was hoping she would start to feel a sense of vertigo, which would convince her not to jump. “Come on,” said Sarah, “I need you right now, so I would have a reason not to.” Sarah tried her best to will the feeling to life even if she didn’t feel anything as she looked down from the bridge. “Dang it, I really needed you.”

Sarah then gave up and began to walk back home. As she walked, she could feel the wind turn bitterly cold, which was a feeling she disliked as she already felt cold from the feeling of isolation and despair. As Sarah looked around for a sense of warmth, she found a local restaurant that she had frequented before. “I might as well,” said Sarah, “even if anyone tried to talk to me, I wouldn’t know what to say.” As Sarah entered the restaurant, the bell atop the door rang, which gave Sarah an uncomfortable feeling similar to a car horn.

As Sarah took a seat, she ordered a cup of coffee from a passing waitress with the name Michelle on her nametag. “What can I get you,” asked Michelle, “it’s cold outside, and a cup of coffee will take the edge off.” As Michelle spoke, the friendliness of her voice seemed strange to Sarah, who wasn’t used to this kind of warmth from another person.

“I will take that cup of coffee,” said Sarah who tried her best to avoid sounding awkward. As she spoke, all she could think about was how her parents barked at her for having an awkward posture and tone of voice. Sarah then checked her pockets, and to her horror, she had forgotten to bring money. “I am sorry, I can’t pay.”

“It’s alright,” said Michelle, “I can cover for you.” Michelle then quickly wrote the order, leaving Sarah perplexed at what had just happened. For a few minutes, Sarah was both stunned and a little embarrassed that someone else had paid for her coffee.

Sarah then began to play with her thumbs, and tried her best not to look at the other customers because she was worried that it might lead to an awkward moment and she didn’t want to go through that. When Michelle arrived with the coffee, Sarah tried her best to not look embarrassed.

“It’s ok,” said Michelle, “you don’t need to feel embarrassed or awkward.” “You come here a lot, and I’ve seen you here multiple times.” As Michelle smiled, Sarah just sat there hoping that she would come up with the appropriate response soon.

“But I,” said Sarah, “I don’t know what to say.” Sarah felt uncomfortable with what she said and was struggling to calm herself down. “I am sorry that I bothered you today.” As Sarah spoke, a few other customers began to stare at her, which made her even more uncomfortable.

“Don’t mind them,” said Michelle, “they stare at everything.” “You’ve been coming here since the beginning of the year, and I think you will need this.” Michelle then handed Sarah a piece of paper, and when Sarah opened it, she noticed that Michelle had written a phone number on it.

“Whose number is this,” asked Sarah. Sarah accidentally shook the table hard enough that her coffee cup almost fell off, but Michelle was able to catch it before it fell.

“I am in a group with other survivors,” said Michelle, “you look like you need someone to talk to, and I can talk to you if you need it.” Sarah’s jaw almost fell completely open when she heard Michelle talk as she tried to say something, but couldn’t think of anything to say.

“You don’t need to say anything,” said Michelle, “I know it is difficult to talk about, but please think about it, alright.” Before leaving, Michelle added a few sugars to Sarah’s coffee as it was Sarah’s routine. It took Sarah a few minutes before she finally reacted after not knowing what to do.

When she returned home, Sarah thought about calling Michelle though she struggled with it for hours after returning home. Sarah almost constantly walked around her apartment to the point that she lost track of time multiple times.

As Sarah continued to struggle with her decision, she began to continually talk to herself about it. “I can’t call her,” she said, “she doesn’t know what I am going through.” “And besides, what would I even say, it is hopeless, and I shouldn’t think about it.” Sarah’s thoughts continued to be negative as she contemplated whether or not her situation was hopeless or not.

“There is nothing I can do,” she said, “I have tried for so long and what have I to show for it, nothing.” Doubt was almost constant for Sarah, who tried her best to think of something hopeful. “Fine, I will try once, if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work.” Sarah then picked up the phone and dialed the number Michelle left. “Even if she doesn’t understand, at least someone will talk to me.”