Conversations with Fran

“ Conversations With Fran “

What exactly is grief? Oh, we all go through it alright. And, how deep does it go? Or, can it go! We all have to face this five letter monster sometime in our life, no matter how young or old. I remember so vividly this dream of opening my front door and having this burst of sunshine just envelope my entire being. At that moment, I felt a peace like I have never known. But oh how quickly those types of feelings can just vanish. Which it did when my sister Frances passed away. Fran and I were as close as a sister and brother could be. Since I was the baby of the family, she kind of babysat me when our mom was taking care of the house. I don’t know why, but my sister was a natural lefty. I was born right handed. But, when I was three, Fran took a crayon from my right hand and said I was coloring with the wrong hand. So now I do everything right handed except write and eat. It made me very sad when she got married and moved to Texas.

Still, we kept in touch. After I moved to California, we talked every week. Then I got married and we talked less. After my divorce and remarriage, we talked a lot more. When I would visit her, I felt like a kid again. The day I found out she was in the hospital devastated me. I booked a flight for Texas that evening, but her children called me and said not to worry. The next morning at 2:27am, on October 28, 2018 I got the call from them informing me that she had passed away. They never shared news of a funeral or any kind of a memorial with me or any of my brothers. Could you imagine four grown Italian men being treated like that? Not a good sight. Needless to say, I have not had any contact with her children since. Not being able to say goodbye to Fran hurt me badly. I missed my father’s passing, my mother’s passing, my favorite Uncle John’s passing, and now this. I guess I was not ready to let her go so I did the only thing I could do. Go on my laptop and open a file, conversations with Fran, to continue talking to her. I know it sounds a little weird but I did not have a choice. I was never really into journaling, but this kind of takes the cake for me. If you asked me if I believe in Heaven, my answer is yes. If you asked me will I see her again before I die, the answer is no. That is why deep, deep in the pit of my logical mind, in a very miniscule area was this Twilight Zonish idea. Maybe, just maybe she would respond. Even if that didn’t happen, I was going to have daily conversations with her. I began every entry with the day, the month, and the year.

Thursday, November 1, 2018.

Hello sister dear. You are out of all that pain but I feel like I have inherited it. I have trouble sleeping, yes me. The one who Kathie used to have to endure sawing logs in the night. Most nights I lie awake thinking of the past. Our past. I tear up and try not to let Kathie hear my sniffles. But eventually, I do pass out. Thank God for Ambien. Work has been difficult at times but I am making the best of it. Remember how you would tell me to slow down. I ate fast, wrote fast and ran fast. I’m in my sixties and that hasn’t changed. At work they call me the energizer rabbit. Well it fits since my name is Peter. It’s getting late and I guess I should make an appearance in the bedroom. If I’m gone too long, I’m afraid Kathie will rent out my side of the bed. Just joking. Well, goodnight Fran. 143.

143. Wow. That sure brings back some old memories. When I first moved myself to California, I would sign my letters with 143. It was my way of saying I love you. Number one for the word I, four for the word love and three for the word you. 143. Pretty cool. I invented it and wrote a song about it. As I entered the bedroom, my wife Kathie exclaimed, so, how are you doing sweetheart? Of course I tell her I’m okay. Then making myself sound like Joey on Friends, I reply, how you doin? Of course she says, I’m fine. I have a busy day tomorrow. I will be gone before you’re awake. By the way, did you tell Fran I said hello? Without looking at her, I lie and say, of course. I follow it with love you, goodnight. The alarm clock reads 11:37 pm. I wake up to go pee at 2:05 am. Way before relieving myself, I open my laptop in our extra bedroom and type quickly to my sister at the bottom of the first entry, PS: Kathie says hello. Then finish what I got up to do. Normally I would rise at 7:30 am, get dressed and go to work, but since I am writing to my sister, I get up at 7 am. No worries because I am a morning person anyway. What was surprising this morning was I heard Kathie wake up from her cell alarm and before she left she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said softly, 143 before leaving for work. I pretended I was still asleep. Funny thing is, I only mentioned that to her when we first went out. I’ve never talked about it for the last fifteen years. It made me feel really special. After that I kept looking at the clock and finally said at 6:43 am, screw it and I got up and decided to talk to Fran a little early.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Good morning sister. Yes I know I’m early, but you don’t care. I'm sure it is always sunny and bright in Heaven. I would say, give ‘em hell sis but that isn’t very appropriate. Instead, tell our mom, dad, and Uncle John hello for me. You left a hole in my heart girl but you know, Kathie keeps finding tiny ways of filling it. Good ways. Ways where I can miss you but still function really well. Oh no, got to go. It’s 7:05 am and I’m still in my pj’s. We’ll chat later. 143.

Coming through the front door, I couldn’t wait to tell Fran all about my day. Come to think of it, I couldn’t wait to tell Kathie too. She won’t be home for another hour so it’s off to my laptop.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Buenas noches Fran. See, those four years of Spanish really helped, thanks for convincing me to take the class. Anyway, great news. I am no longer a temp at work. I got hired as a regular employee. It will be nice to get paid for holidays and be allowed to work overtime when asked. The weather sucked today. And it is supposed to rain and be cloudy all day tomorrow. Yuck. But that’s okay. Because we got to talk today. I also wanted to thank you for the way you accepted Kathie into our family. You weren’t easy to please growing up. But that day when you and Kathie were playing slot machines next to each other was priceless. I can still see and hear your conversation. Kathie was ready to pull down on the one-armed-bandit and you placed your hand on her shoulder and told her how happy you were seeing how she treated me. I knew your heart, and also knew you always wished for a sister instead of four brothers. Your smile told me you got your wish. Kathie became a Sabia at that moment. Sorry, my eyes have sprung a leak. She loves you very much. I just heard the door open and I do believe Kathie is home. We’ll talk more tonight, I promise. 143

After telling Kathie about the great news, she gave me a big hug and kiss and said whatever you want for dinner, it’s yours. It took me a whole three seconds to tell her, Sizzler with a steak and shrimp and a senior salad bar. Not a six ounce steak, I’m upgrading to a ten ounce baby. So off to Sizzler we went and we had a great time. When we arrived home, Kathie said if you need to talk to Fran, go for it. I replied thanks, I won’t be long. As I sat in front of my laptop, I just stared at what I had written just a few hours ago. It seems between every line I type, I can feel my heart beat. Just wondering if she knew how I felt. How could she, right. I’m here and she’s there. Can’t complain about it now. What’s done is done.

Friday, November 2, 2018

In the famous words of Jack Nicholson from the movie,” The Shining”, I’m baaaack. Kathie and I had a great congratulatory dinner. We needed it. I haven’t totally neglected her, but I do know I have been isolating myself more. Tell you what sis, even if there is a blizzard tomorrow, you will hear from me. 143.

When I climbed into bed and turned on the news. After hearing the weatherman say there is a 100 percent chance of rain and not to expect any sunshine tomorrow, I quickly grabbed the remote and gave Kathie a kiss goodnight. Not so fast, mister regular employee. As her eyes dipped down, I said what now? She then smiled and said I think it’s time for some celebratory sex. I was very happy to oblige. The next morning, all you could hear was the rain and see the shadows of dark clouds through our bedroom window. The alarm clock read, 7:15 am. I figured just get up and write Fran now. We never really used that room for anything but storage, and it was always so dark and gloomy. Which was perfect for how I felt at this time in my life. So I opened my laptop and stood there frightened and amazed at the same time. My entire body was frozen in time but my senses were totally alive. Looking at the computer, there was an entry I did not make.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Mom, Dad and Uncle John say hello. It is always bright and sunny here because that is what God’s love does when it surrounds you. One day, we’ll all be together. Cherish my sister Kathie because she is your sunshine. 143.

After reading that I noticed the room lightened up. As I opened up the curtains I was totally engulfed with a ray of sunshine that warmed me to my soul. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the rain had ceased. I glanced at the computer and the entry was gone. I knew now that this was Fran’s way of saying little brother, everything is going to be alright.