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“It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better”
…
Life, as writing, nurtures a garden of emotions. In spots it seems warm, colourful, forgiving and inspiring. And, in others, dying, somber, numb and futile. My point here is no revelation, that we find ourselves drawn to things that reflect our current state and values. Sometimes, it’s a friendship, a lover, a memory, a record, a part of history…
Today, it’s that familiar stranger sitting alone. Shirt ripped at the shoulder, with well-dressed children at home. Fixated ahead, straight past the floundering flower beauty, to a lover that stands just beyond the window frame. In his eyes, he holds all the beauty in the world. Yet, it’s in his smile, eye creases and unbroken gaze that I sight the mythical devotion, pride and loyalty I thought long extinct.
I would die for them.
But first, you must go back to work
Through tears you wonder, if all that is good is prohibited now.
…
A Recent Study Finds That The Lower Class IS Genetically Related to the Human Species, Despite having no I-limbs and X-visions.
A billionaire summit orgy was interrupted with the announcement last week. An independent scientist who has become untraceable since the announcement, likely on his monthly month-long cruise, presented the conspiracy. The announcement might mean “humans” may develop newfound rights to food and water, BUT does it warrant a seat at our tables and being allowed to walk off leash in our parks? More to follow…
…
And so she kneels. At the end.
Holding his phone in her hand, fixated on the infinite darkness beyond the window. Two knees sinking into a carpet under the weight of goliath mass, as a stone coldness freezes the mind. Fog descends upon eyesight, the room is still. Only one ceiling light is not burnt out, spotlighting the moment in time.
This is it.
Panning to the left, through a short divide of darkness, you’ll find a man. Still on the couch. Illuminated by the TV light they were both sitting by earlier. 30 mins ago, still in each other's arms. Memorising face lines and chewing on benign-tasting oven-ready dinners that had become the most exciting things in the world.
He watches her. Blurred face, an expression unknown.
What proceeds is crying and barefoot arguments through the streets. Empty promises of getting help and chastity and encouragement to take revenge, that she would never accept. After days of indecision, she finalises what she’s known since that first moment. This is it.
1 minute since
2 minutes
2 days
2 weeks
The paint dries,
A meal is skipped,
A rash spreads
A soul evaporates,
A corpse rots
And the next thing you know,
It's many lifetimes later…
Love’s bloody warmth.
Was it a stalk or vulture?
You never could decide.
…
And so it’s a beautiful day, to be at a cafe with a friend. The sun is out, errands have been run, time for coffee, a hug and warm eyes. Your friend is much older. So naturally, in such a dynamic, after talks of travel plans and discussing mutual friends, you must endure the life advice. First, you must clarify, with intermittent sips at your coffee, that “yes” after a year, you are “completely over the break up”. Then you sit through critiques of what you should look for in a person. Why you shouldn’t look for the things you’re currently looking for. Blah blah blah.
You oblige, and talk of loyalty and wanting to find a committed partner. She starts,
“People have wandering eyes. Just learn to accept it and move on. When you see him checking out other women, just laugh with him.”
“But I won’t date a person like that”
“Don’t be immature. Men will be men. Even I look at attractive people on the street”
“But I don’t do that. When I’m with someone, I don’t notice beauty in others. Not by practice or discipline, I just don’t. I expect there’s at least one person out there that can reciprocate that.”
“Don’t put that pressure on yourself; to find someone perfect and settle down. You are young, just enjoy life. What comes will come.”
“ I’m not desperate, but I know what I want. I’ll wait for as long as it takes but I’m viscerally itching for something more. I feel in my body that I’m getting too old to still be searching. Getting tired.”
“You know, you really should’ve predicted the type of person your ex was”
“You’re right. But I never thought people could be so cold, which baffles me because we both know about my mum”
As straws slurp,
You realise
This is it
So as you stand
You realise you must turn once again,
from a dear friend
For the last time.
…
Inquest Finds An Annual Tennis Club Competition Plants Favourite Players Into Finals, Despite Having A Total of 6 Contestants
It’s a weird and useless form of corruption mimicking the broader governmental climate. We learn it’s important to exert control, just because. More on page 6, where we review why the Gulf of America is now a nuke base and review Krispy Kreme’s presidential campaign.
…
How curious that sometimes the weather shifts. And we watch things we admired slowly re-melt into backgrounds. As if we never understood. Suddenly, we are grown and children are baffling. We get rich and forget the challenges of being poor. Past pursuits of bravery and courting, become desperate and embarrassing, because we got hurt. And the decisions of past selves become unreasonable and illogical. Emotional impermanence.
I still think of that couple, in the park.
Long after I left that job.
Are they still together?
Can love like that really last?
You try to focus. Sit in your cubicle with its fluorescent light, crumby ceiling, surrounded by a forest of PDF printouts. Click, Ring, Clock Out.
It’s so easy to cheat nowadays.
Any of those times he was on his phone… Could’ve been cheating
You leave the building. Pop on headphones and begin walking to the station. Cars, People, “Train Doors Opening”.
His love looked genuine, sure, but we know it’s fakeable. Perhaps I interpreted it all wrong.
Doors Open. Mind the gap. Walk home.
Imagine thinking about them this much for it to be a farce, this whole time.
Food. Shower. Straight to bed.
Shit, what’s left to hold out for then?
…
Once upon a time, there was a house. Just as the one 31 down from yours, you’re unlikely to remember. It's quiet and regular and mainly, not your own. It has a blue tint and is surrounded by bushland in a suburban area. In and out come a mother, a father and 3 kids all under 10. Charming parents, quiet children. They have after school activities and movie nights and if teachers ever asked if everything was ok at home, they’d all say yes.
In the house there’s a kitchen.
There’s a pantry of food, lots of
There’s cereal
Occasionally infested with maggots,
On the counter,
some cigarette packets
Coffee
And many prescription pill boxes
(Xanax, Valium, Codeine)
That are freshly opened but almost out
You note some poorly-hidden empty wine caskets
And nearby,
A knife.
Used by ‘mum’ yesterday
for an unconventional game of “chase”
Pan down the corridor,
Lined with a trail of urine
There is a girl,
(You might notice lice in her hair
which she’s had for months)
Who’s about to step into the bathroom
To discover something that will haunt her
Perhaps forever…
In the bathroom there’s a toilet she hopes to use
But in between them, on the ground
is a body,
Still, but alive
Razorblade nearby
Wrists cut
The rest, the girl cannot remember.
But at 17 years old, a street full of police cars, mum escorted away and an AVO secured IS the happy ending. Years under a tyrant mother, no more.
…
“Don't tell me of love everlasting and other sad dreams
I don't want to hear
Just tell me of passionate strangers who rescue each other
From a lifetime of cares”
- Joan Baez
…
So you open an app.
Pick from Hinge. Bumble. Tinder. Whatever.
Set up a profile.
Spend 50 hours on prompts and then another week cause you don’t have enough pictures.
Wait for a lonely moment.
Ok ok done.
online!
Fast-forward through a time before you realise,
It’s not a long term solution.
For you.
Right now.
Shit
*deletes app*
Google search:
11:06 Loyalty
11:07 Happy marriage
As if you’ll read the search results.
*sigh*
…
20/10/22
What an odd place to find yourself solo travelling, she reflects, Santorini. The land of lovers. She’s never been in a relationship before, and wonders if she’ll ever get the chance. Been a long 23 years.
It’s a wonderful place. They criminally undersell the cliff faces, probably because its vastness is so hard to capture on camera. They’re also fairly accessible so if you really wanted to, you know, you could- which baffled her and her intrusive thoughts.
White buildings. Nice. Wine tour. Nice. Volcanoes and ancient ruins. Cool! Lovely people and a nice beach. Amazing! A local bar hosting movie nights except Mama Mia is the only thing playing for the next month? Classic!
Unlike home, weed is legal
So, back in the hotel room
She gives it her first try
Bad trip, another day?
Hard to say.
This groove is familiar
As she thinks again,
of ending it all.
…
Hey,
How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a while.
I miss you so much. Drop me a line
- Mum
…
And so you sit in a car with someone near your age. It’s not a date but you realise they think it is. It’s dark outside and you’re stuck in what this generation calls “car chats”, which is a gateway to any mediocre relationship. Here, they’ll talk about wanting a relationship but without the chivalry and work. They’ll mention and re-mention other women that they clearly have no interest in. You let them talk crap about their friends and impart “wisdom” you learnt in grade 2.
“You know how to get people to respect you? Listen more, speak less” I was once told at the end of a 30-hour monologue.
I find myself raging, though externally undetectable. He couldn’t understand no contact, holding a grudge, a boundary and why I can’t just forgive and forget. He says,
“My advice to you is just let it go. The fact that you're angry is something to work on.”
“My anger stems from an intolerance to injustice, not from being stuck in the past. You’d be mad if say, Hitler stepped into the room- despite never dating him and many years passing. Ok DRASTIC example but still. I’ll forever dislike the antagonist of my morals and values.”
“But it’s more harmful for you and your health to hold onto anger.’
“No, it’s more dangerous to have leaky boundaries and not defend what’s important. My anger serves a purpose and gets me out of situations that are not for me, it’s to be respected and not suppressed. I wouldn’t date anyone like that again”
“But I think all men are like that. But others aren’t so evil. They have these feelings for other people but they don’t act on it.”
“How are things going with Bianca anyway?”
“Well she’s in a relationship, so I’m happy being friends. Even so, I can’t help but think I am a man and she is a woman, as you feel with anyone you hang out with a lot.”
I am a man, she is a women
I am a man, she is a women
Holy fuck, is that the only criteria.
This is it.
Another friend to cut off
…
“Make sacrifices and space for what’s important, before what’s important becomes the sacrifice”
…
With the power of retrospect, anyone is Sherlock Holmes.
Sitting in the car, driving at night to any spot with water, it all comes flooding back. Eyes leak as the GPS guides you left-right-left. “I’m stupid like this/ and I’m stupid like that”, the speakers sing. You pass the turn off to your usual hang spot.
You remember how he’d always take 30 mins on the toilet while you prepared food. Sexting girls and swiping on dating apps he never left. Cheating on you everyday. Meanwhile, you were booking appointments for the “constipation problems” they incessantly complained about. Hilarious.
You remembered filming a private video there, that he un-consentingly sent to his affairs and likely, friends afterwards. It was your idea, a proclamation of trust, turned against you.
You remembered playing with a $2 bounce ball that he made you transfer $1 for. And how he never took you on a date or did anything for you.
You keep driving and driving and driving. Red light. New song. you pass your old work. Where he’d physically cheat on you each shift while you thought you were working for a common future. Unprotected. You remember the look of disappointment on his face when you said you would take time off work to spend more time with him over Christmas.
You remembered what a selfish lover he was. And so many other things left unmentioned.
…
You open another app.
Instagram.
Reels of people pining for a love that lasts.
Grey-scale couples that made it to colour film
Gymers training through loneliness
Famous celebrity couples
Famous vlogger couples
Love, love, love
On the other side…
People promoting sex work
Promising the career improved their lives
And made them financially free
And others…
Encourage a kind of marriage to Self
Becoming a fiercely independent business person
Without a community or a partner
Which would be oddly enticing,
If you didn’t desire exactly those things
You can’t help but think that society has failed us.
And love is no more.
…
Human Speed Bump, Greg, Who Claims He Just “Fell into the role” is Praised For His Sacrifices.
Billionaire, who was going to build a conventional one, retracts his plans to support “local business”. Greg, who was on the way to a cliff to “do some reflecting”, claims that speed bumping “saved his life” PROVING there is 100% a way to freedom and escaping the 9-5.
…
[25/10/22]
The water slaps and boat creaks as her foot meets pavement at the final Greek island. Motor vehicles are illegal here, so people travel via donkeys or foot. Church bells sound, cats charm as street hosts, and lungs are enriched by salty freedom. It’s the island where the late, famous musician and poet lived for seven years. He’s referenced here and there. In the cafe name Everybody Knows, street name and his monument bench that she’s B-lined to. And though she’s too old to idolize the famous and have heroes beyond herself, she finds herself drawn here and to the sentiment of his music.
So, as a tired sun sinks underwater, she’s grateful that the bench is still warm. One-by-one nearby people arise from newly-nightened spots in pursuit of village light, where food and community await. They smile. And there’s small talk that exudes mutual respect and warmth. An hour passes and the seat is still warm.
And just as it starts to feel a bit too quiet, a cat, as orange and as worn as the sun 30 minutes before, jumps up beside her and loafs toward the view, as if reflecting, before surrendering to peaceful slumber. A complete trust unbroken when she eventually gets up to leave.
This is it
She feels.
Something here is worth fighting for.
…
Hey, sorry to break the no contact! Would you be comfortable to catch up for a chat soon? I absolutely understand if I'm overstepping
[blocked]
…
14/2/25
It’s Valentine’s day. I’ve picked this spot and I sit alone, under a setting sun, overlooking the water in Australia. Can’t help but worry I should’ve found you by now. Get hints of a trail but they all come up empty.
I miss you,
And I know you
Yet I don’t know you yet.
Boy, do I feel my years today. They laugh because I’m young, but I can’t move. Body aches. Struggle to get out of bed. Reach for my phone. Is love prohibited, or just hard to find?
Yet, in this uncertainty is where I choose to be. For at least there is space for a happy ending.
And if for now, the best I can do is sit here and keep your spot warm,
That is exactly what I’ll do.
…
You open another app.
Facebook.
You come across a writing competition and wonder if you’ve got enough to say.
You’ve never competed in one of these before.
And if not just to write, it would be nice to just for once
Relay the secrets
Hidden deep in your soul
For 25 years.
…
Leonard Cohen and Marianne Ihlen met in Hydra in the 1960s. Marianne became his muse and inspired many of Cohen’s songs, including So Long, Marianne. Although they eventually broke up, they remained close throughout their lives. In 2016, Marianne was diagnosed and later died from Leukemia. On her deathbed, Cohen writes to her:
“Well Marianne it’s come to this time when we are really so old and our bodies are falling apart and I think I will follow you very soon. Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you can reach mine.
And you know that I’ve always loved you for your beauty and your wisdom, but I don’t need to say anything more about that because you know all about that. But now, I just want to wish you a very good journey. Goodbye old friend. Endless love, see you down the road.”
Cohen died less than 4 months later.
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