The Locked Door

As I sat staring at the door wondering if I should knock, it occurred to me that I had no idea if I even wanted to go into that room. Did it even matter anymore?  Or was I just overthinking things like I always did?  Either way, I needed to make a decision, I couldn’t live this way any longer.  The hours I spent alone were not good for my health. Sure I could just live life this way, I mean we love each other and we are happy together but I still feet so lonely.  At the same time I thought, why risk losing him, is it really that bad?  Maybe I just needed to find my own door to lock or find a hobby or something.  No, I had tried all of those things already, it was time to stand up for myself and do something that would make me happy, not what everyone else expected me to do.  So I knocked…

When he opened the door, he had a strange expression on his face and asked, “why are you knocking?”

“Because the door is locked” I mumbled.

“Huh?  This door is never locked, the lock was broken when we moved in.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that.”

He stepped aside so that I could enter the room.  It had been a few months since I had been into this room and as I looked around, I was surprised by all of the changes that had been made.  When we bought the house, it was a dingy old attic above the garage. Now it had been converted into a cozy, inviting space.

“Wow,” I said, “this place looks great, you have really done a lot of work up here.”

“I told you that I wanted to find a special use for this space”

My mind immediately went to the negative space that it likes to spend so much time and I thought to myself, “he created this beautiful space for himself so that he could get away from me”.  I was working hard to hold back the tears.  My feelings of rejection were running strong and I braced myself to accept the reality that was now my life.  My husband doesn’t want to spend time with me.  He has spent all of this time and effort to create his own space, without me.

“Why are you crying?” he asked.

“I just can’t believe it has come to this”

“What do you mean?”

I couldn’t speak through my tears, I was now sobbing. He put his arm around me and guided me over to the couch and just held me while I cried.  My mind was spinning with thoughts and questions.  How did this happen?  I should have done this or that or something different.  How did we get here?  All the while he just sat quietly and held me.  As my tears began to slow, I felt the warmth of his arms around me.  My head against his chest, I could hear his heart beating and felt so safe and loved.  How could this be happening? 

As I dried my tears, I started to notice things in the room.  On one wall there was a collage of pictures of the two of us, some going back to when we first started dating.  I saw a framed wedding picture of us, it was one of my favorites.  There was a table in the corner with a stack of new puzzles on it and a shelf with books by some of my favorite authors.  I stood up and slowly started walking around the room, it was filled with all of the things that we enjoyed.  There was a shelf with board games and a few decks of cards.  I opened a cupboard door and saw that it was filled with my favorite snacks.  

When I turned to look at him, he was watching me with a big grin on his face.

“What is all of this?” I asked.

“I told you that I wanted to do something special with this space and I did.  When we decided to buy the house, we knew that we wouldn’t be able to afford to go out like we used to and we knew that it would be a few years before we could take a vacation again so, I made a place that we can go to get away and it won’t cost us anything.  When we want to get away for the weekend, we will come right here to our vacation home!

“What did you think I was doing up here?”

I was stunned and didn’t know what to say.  How could I have been so stupid?  How could I have let my own feelings of self doubt and self hate take me to such a dark and lonely place? 

“I thought you were trying to avoid me,” I said in a faint whisper.

“What, why would I do that?”

“Because you don’t enjoy spending time with me.”

He looked at me with confusion as my tears began to flow once more.  He slowly crossed the room, kissed me on the forehead and then wrapped me in a big hug.

“You know that I love spending time with you, why would I have married you if I didn’t?”

Over the next couple of years, we enjoyed many happy times in our “vacation” home. We spent hours talking, relaxing, playing games and planning for our future.  The room that I feared would end my marriage turned out to be the room that strengthened my marriage. It became a haven where we could escape from all of the stress of day to day life and just enjoy being together. 

Today, we added something new to the room, a crib.  In just a few weeks we will become a family of three.  We are going to experience some big changes but, thanks to this room, we are going to experience them together. I will forever be thankful that I had the courage to knock on that “locked” door.