breath taking

           I enter the building, books on every shelf and shiver. I'm sixteen and could get in trouble, but it is for “educational purposes,” but not for school. I go up to the front desk where a school librarian greets me with a smile. She asks, “Can I help you?”

           I tell her I'd called up this library and they said there was a video I could watch. I describe the video and the woman nods. She looks in her computer and tells me this video is at this location, but it is in the medical library on the third floor. So, I go to the elevator, push the up button, and wait. What will it look like? I've seen everything, but this before on the web. I've seen women flashing, I've seen women squirting, I've seen sex, I've seen menstrual bleeeding, I've seen women's taking a shit and pissing in the toilet, but I've never seen this before. I've seen every porn out there, except this. The porn store didn't have this. 

           I go up to the counter and a different young woman asks if I need assistance. I explain to her what I'm looking for. She nods, looks in her computer, and acknowledges they have this video. I ask if I can check it out. Then, the woman asks me, “Are you a student at The University of Pittsburgh?” I'm not. She tells me only students are allowed to check out items. I tell her I have a regular library card, but she says it won't work here. So, I stand there, dumbfounded. I can't watch it. Never tell a writer can't or no, we can't register those words.

           After a beat, she tells me they do have TVs with VCR attachments where I could watch the video in the back, but I'd have to sit in the back corner due to the nature of this video. I smile and tell her that'd be fine. She also says, they'll have to play it from a different location, since I don't have a library card with them, but I can still rewind, play, fast-forward, etc. from the TV screen. I agree.

           She directs me to a dark room full of TV sets. Kind of looks like the places people used to pay for peep shows. But, I sit in the office chair, recline a bit, and push play. It's a stereotypical education film with science all over it. Who cares? Who the hell would watch this video for educational purposes? Doesn't make sense. So, I push fast forward until I see a woman's naked body. She's fat and unshaved, as expected. She's screaming. Not orgasming, screaming in pain. Then, I get to see the taboo porn. Her labia majora and labia minora spread. I expected that. But then, this blob starts sliming out. I know what it is, but don't understand what part it is. The leg, the hand, or what? What is it? Then, more slime and more slime. I hear someone beside the naked woman say “Push. Keep pushing,” which I expected. Then, the blob comes out and it's a bald head and the rest of the baby's body comes out in three seconds. The baby takes it's first breath without being spanked. The people in the room dry the baby with white towels and check on the baby and the mother who are both doing well. Then, it goes back into the educational bullshit about breast-feeding, diet, post-birth depression, etc. So, I rewind it and watch the process again. I like education, just not in videos. Our teachers always made us watch them and they were always boring. This is a library, though. I watch again: Her vagina stretching, the baby's head sliming out, followed by the rest of the body. The baby's a boy. The mother knew it was a boy. 

           The strange this is, though, I'm not erect. It wasn't a turn on. It was unusual, not what I was expecting, and it was spiritual. This was God's work at God's best. I spent fifteen minutes watching this one section of the video. The librarian called over a small speaker and asked if I needed more time. I told her yes and watched for another fifteen minutes. I watched the same section. This was a curiosity thing. What does it look like? How does it work? Hell, if I watched the whole video, I might have found out the answer to that question, but I didn't. See, censorship is strange. The porn sites made me verify I was over the age of eighteen, even though I wasn't, and push yes, but the librarians never asked me this. Strange. I never pleasured myself to the memory of this video, but remembered this video. Why would the head come out first? Wouldn't it be easier for a hand or a leg to come out first? Why could they breathe when the came out? Didn't something have to happen? 

           I stopped the video, pushed the intercom, and told the lady I was done watching. I took my bookbag with me since I thought I might have to conceal a video. I did that with porn many times. The thing is, I'd forget about a lot of the porn I'd see on the net, but I'd never forget this video. Someday, I might become a father and see this myself in a hospital or maybe this would be the only time I'd ever see it. I went out of the library, unlocked my bicycle, and started riding home. I wondered if the library kept track of who watched what videos and for how long. Why would my parents ever go to the University of Pittsburgh library, though, instead of the regular library and why would they ever go to the medical section? They never did. Years later, I'd tell my parents about this little adventure and they'd tell me Who cares? It's a normal part of life. It's a library. It's just a library and they're just body parts. It's just life. Some women want this and some women don't and that's okay. I'd like to find somebody who does want this before I graduate college and I'm only in high school now. That seems reasonable.

           Later in life, I'd go to college, have some girlfriends, get engaged three times, but none of them worked out. I'd be a merry, male old maid. Women will love me and hate me, except those in Gentlemen's Clubs, who have to love me. Prisoners who are taught vocational skills are less violent than those who aren't and that's why I decided to become an obstetrician. 

           Studying for MCATs is hard. I tried taking one-on-one courses at Kaplan, but it's a lot of stuff. Medical terminology, kinesiology, physicology, biology, and it's difficult. But, I'm going to pass and get into a College again. I haven't been in college in ten years, but remember Excuses Be Gone by Dyer. I'm applying to five schools in Pennslvania. I remember the section of the video I saw and realize I'm going to be wathing a lot of those videos along with videos of C-sections.