My addiction is eating me up

I don’t know when it all started, after reading a couple articles, it is said that since we are kids sometimes, our parents feed us to an extreme. If you’re crying they give you something to eat, if you’re happy we’re going to some restaurant to celebrate, any reason is acceptable.

So, what happens when you adopt that as a habit? And you do it with more people, like your friends? Let’s be honest, at the beginning you meet them and go play somewhere in the city, but as you grow up, you go the candy shop, and buy anything with your pocket money: chocolates, sweets, snacks, drinks, and so on. And then, you become a teenager and spend the money in the same but also go to some pub, disco, and definitely you grab something there. Unless you don’t like that, but the typical social outing is go eat, right?

At this age, when you do this, you burn the calories faster, so, it’s easy not to see that as a problem, you agree? But when you get to the 20s and you notice that your weight is getting bigger and bigger, probably you wonder what’s going on. Maybe, like in my case, it takes 10 or 20 years more to realize there’s obviously a problem. 

So, out of nowhere, at 21 I was diagnosed a chronic colitis, which after 3 years controlling everything that I was eating, in Oxford, the United Kingdom while “vacation”, I had severe symptoms and needed urgent surgery. My colon was removed. 

Someone might think that after all this experience, I was going to eat more healthily. However, with the time, and learning what was good to my body system, that habit of being a foody was about to develop in an eating disorder I don’t know yet how to deal with. The irony is that I couldn’t eat a lot of fibre, this means; barely no fruits, nor cereals, vegetables,… What are the odds, that the best for me is eating meat, and something that it’s called a soft diet: omelettes, everything boiled, soups, purée, anyway, the easiest to digest. 

Don’t ask me how or why, but when I got to live on my own, taking into account that I don’t like cooking, eating a little bit of this and that, I could see that the junkie food wasn’t that bad for my body, so, as you can imagine, that was the restarting of an old same habit. Even, there was a moment that I was quite overweight, and really felt I needed a change, so that I had the help of a dieting program. It didn’t take too long to lose most of the weight that wasn’t necessary. And I remember watching myself at the mirror, and not feeling happy. Was it worthy that much sacrifice? So, you know what happened, don’t you? Thinking that perhaps, eating once a week some sweet or similar, I definitely could control me…, but I didn’t.

Right now at my 40s, I still don’t know why I keep eating this way. Going to the supermarket and buying all that I love, was something, though believe it or not, I was measuring the right quantity of pieces for the week. But then, something else was about to come, you guess it? These new services or companies, however you want to call them, that you upload their App and ask for food (Glovo, JustEat,…) that was my total loss. And not only that, but the Pandemic didn’t help either, because we couldn’t leave our home. Everything was on my side: just eating fast food, watching TV and Internet, and that was my whole life, and I was “happy”. Was I? We all know that’s no true. Again, it took me 40 years to learn that there was something hiding inside of me, but I feel so confused, not sure what really is. Maybe the trauma that I was bullied? Or it could be the fact that most of my emotions are suppressed, especially the anger? Who knows if it’s the fact that the control of my eating with my sickness exploded somehow? Most of the times I can’t help thinking that the reason would be that I don’t really like my life: because I wanted to be a singer, but I’ve never been chosen in castings or contests, adding that my family don’t support me, thinking I have no talent at all. So, I’m living my Plan B, working as administrator. 

Watching around, I feel grateful, because I have been in worse situations in my past. And now, I have a permanent job, live by myself in my own apartment, sometimes I go out with my friends and my family. I accept my flaws, and the fact that eating makes me feel good. After trying different things, books, diets, even a retirement, I am still overweight. Everybody always talks about the drugs addiction, or the alcoholism, but to me the food addiction is also very important, it’s out there easily accesible. And this type of disorder unfortunately is increasing. Too many scientists say that this kind of food have addictive substances. What do you think? Is it us and some kind of trauma? Or this new processed food also leads us into an unconscious addiction?

Honestly, I don’t know how to work this out. Probably a lot of people would say to go see a therapist, but the last 3 times weren’t as helpful as I remember. The first one, as a kid, it was because it was really difficult for me to study, and the only thing I learned is to highlight the important phrases of the subjects and making summaries. The following one was due to my illness, after the surgery, which I barely remember. And the last one, it was for personal issues, and there I used to cry a lot, we used to spend a lot of time speaking about my childhood and feelings, and that is something I don’t like to talk about, because I feel uncomfortable. That is definitely a key to understanding my inner me, and why I can’t just eat normal.

The conclusion would be: that I swallow my emotions, so, that’s my addiction root. I eat my emotions. If we all knew the solution, wouldn’t we be all thinner? That’s why diets don’t really work. Magic pills seem to exist, but there will be consequences in the future. Everytime I try those things, my reservoir (stomach) talks to me by feeling unwell and sick, so, I prefer not trying.

As you can see, this is not easy, definitely my body system is like my being or spirit, all confusing. Healing an addiction is difficult, especially if you’re not sure, where is it coming from. That’s why it’s hard to get them over.