The Tide

      I hurried a little faster, the brisk wind seeping through my coat collar. I adjusted my thick grey scarf. My cloth bag of groceries swung side to side, bumping into my hip and right thigh. The pointed edge of the cereal box inside kept jutting into me. I shifted my bag. That was better.

           It started to slightly rain. Damn, I thought. I hated getting my hair wet. My apartment was only up the street ahead. I’m almost there. Almost there to a hot shower and ramen noodles straight from the cup with my ingenious idea of freshly cut spring onions dropped in. Almost home.

           I burst into my apartment, and Callie was already there, winding around my legs.

           “Alright Callie, let me get settled.”

           She looked at me with her wide green eyes. She then sat down on her haunches, licking her black paws.

           As the comforting heat in the shower surrounded me, my thoughts went back to the grocery store. I was in the produce section, picking through the lemons. I felt like I was being watched, and when I looked up, there was a man in a long beige trench coat in the aisle in front of me. He had a piercing stare of green eyes that seemed to light from within. I gave him a combative, questioning glare back to indicate not to try anything with me, and he shook his head and turned out to walk out of the aisle and out of the produce section. He wasn’t carrying anything.

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So beautiful, and she does not even know it, her holding eyes of calm lake blue that have let out storms, gentle touch, strong pace I am in awe I get to see her again, I want to hold her and imbue her with the strength I know she has let her know…

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           “Yes Mum. Yup, I am. No. Yup. Okay, I know. Bye,” I hung up and rolled my eyes at the over protectiveness of my mother. She was only making sure I was eating properly, taking care of myself. I was in the big city for the first time.

           “You’d take care of me, won’t you Callie,” I softly said, with her on my lap, my hands stroking her soft fur. Her green eyes reminded me of the stranger yesterday.

           I knew I had had to get away. To not be reminded of lost hopes and failed expectations, like the slowly dying tree I had bought for the house. Not see the colour blue, its pale cheerfulness calling out for a happy family. The laughter that once rung inside the walls were faded, memories collected like dust on the mantle. There had sat several photo frames. I remembered picking one of them up when packing. The frame was surrounded by seashells I had collected so diligently during our trip to Cuba the year before.

           We were tanned. We were in love. There were long, hot nights together, and lazy days out on the beach, side by side on the sand. Long walks hand in hand. It felt like that happened to another person in a different life. Was that really me in the photo? She looked beautiful, but there seemed to be a guarded look in her eyes, despite the smile. He had his arms around her, long dark brown hair spilled onto and over his arms. They looked the part.

           I remembered beginning to place the frame inside the box, the box that had begun to weigh heavily of souvenirs collected over the years, and then hurling it to the ground with an escaped cry. Several of the shells flew off the frame before the sound of glass shattering. Pieces of it were on the immaculate brown ash floor. It was how my heart felt. My soul ached for lost, and longing for more.

           I had left the room that had begun to choke me. It wasn’t ever going to be a family room. I had had to pull my tired body up the stairs, the depression made my feet heavy. I had crawled into the cold bed, grabbed the other pillow and hugged it tight to my body, a body that laid in fetal position.

           Remembering this, tears started to well up. I threw my phone onto the round table, Callie jumped off my lap, and I placed my head into my hands. Then I wrapped my arms around my empty middle. I sobbed heavily, the pain washing over me. I was mourning my emptiness. Of loss so deep I felt like I was submerged in the darkest depths of a bottomless ocean devoid of anything. I held my breath.

           The vibrations from my phone on the second-hand wooden table jolted me. I came up to surface for air.

           “Hello?”

           “Hi, this is Leslie from A.A. Claysworth Shelter. Is this Macy?”

           “Yes, speaking.”

           “We received your application of intent to volunteer. We’d like to ask you some further questions as to your interest and skills for the position of front-line support.”

           “Sure, of course.”

           For about the next half hour, I forgot the longing emptiness inside. I pictured myself with the young and old at the shelter, helping to serve hot meals and showing them their beds and locker spaces. I confirmed with Leslie about my starting date and hung up to silence again. I had to get out.

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           I ran. Ran so hard that faces blurred, my heart pounding in my head. When I stepped up to the crosswalk, the bus pulled up. A face turned and instinctively I looked up. It was him, the one from the grocery store.

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           I looked up from the steaming mashed potatoes and surveyed the room. It was dinnertime. A woman with a thick green knitted scarf was shoving mashed potatoes continuously into her mouth that it reminded me of that children’s game with the colourful hippos. A man wearing a black fisherman’s toque was looking around protectively, before taking a forkful of buttered peas. The room was fairly full, the three long bench tables occupied by hungry souls, some wanting more of their lives. I locked eyes with a young mother, who looked to be in her early twenties. My eyes travelled over to her baby, who was swaddled with a pink fleece blanket with smiling ducks on it. My heart leapt for the two, but at the same time, a longing sigh escaped. They had each other, at least. She with child.

           “Macy. Great job so far! Time to switch,” Tom, one of the volunteer leaders, called out with a nod of his head from across the food service station.

           “Sure, of course.”

           It was my turn to help Tom supervise the floor. Another volunteer took my place. I looked around, and like a beacon, I saw him. His head was bowed down; he was tucking into the beef stew. Then he slowly looked up, as if he felt my eyes on him. Again, those captivating eyes of green that seemed to strip me bare. As if he could feel my half-buried pain…I turned my head to another part of the room but still felt his eyes on me. What was up with this dude? I wondered. Why do I keep seeing him?

           I felt my feet moving toward him. My mind was foggy but my heart told me that I was going to be okay. I sat down next to him.

           “I think you know who I am,” he said.

           “Take this. Please.”

           The small black box that he had taken out of his long coat was pressed gently into my hands. I gingerly took the lid off, and inside laid an antique-looking silver necklace, with a heart locket emblazoned with an intricate design. When I turned it around, there was an engraving of a pair of detailed wings. Surprisingly, the locket was warm to the touch.

           “Thank you,” I whispered.

           Dinnertime was over. I stood up to join the other volunteers, the box now snuggled in the pocket of my vest.

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           Sitting in front of my mirror, I drew the necklace to my collarbone and fastened it. I trailed the locket with my fingers, feeling the indents of the ornate design of knots, vines and roses. Suddenly, the locket opened. I could put a picture of Callie in there, I chuckled. As I closed the locket, a slight breeze made the curtains flutter. Moonlight was peeking through the windows, reaching my satin nightgown. I pulled my heavy sweater a little tighter around me. Sitting still, I closed my eyes and began meditating, like what my therapist had shown me in a previous session. Breathe in for seven seconds, breathe out for another seven…

           And I was surrounded by a warm light. Everything was dressed in a muted bright yellow. I saw my mysterious stranger walking towards me across the meadow, a white light emanating from behind him. He looked down at the bundle he was carrying in his bare arms, and met my gaze, giving me a smile of reassurance. When he stopped right in front of me, I looked down, and there was a baby. My Joy. The one I had lost, that pushed Jerry out, ring no more. She was so beautiful. I cried. I cried for a long, long time, in the middle of that peaceful meadow of purple, red, and white wildflowers dancing in the spring breeze. Finally, I brought my arms out to hold her. Her tiny hands reached out towards me, a giggle erupting from her. I wanted to forever hold her in this moment.

           “Macy. I am an angel. I have died many times alongside with your soul. The longing you have felt in your life has been a result of our past together. I fell in love with you, your gentle and kind soul.”

           “The necklace you’re wearing – I gave you that a long time ago when we were lovers on Earth but could not be together. I have and will always love you and be there with you. We will always be together, in here,” He gestured to his heart.

           Huge feathered wings unfurled from his muscled back, and wrapped themselves around me and Joy. There we were, embraced. The family I had always wished for.

           I found myself the next day waking up from my bed. Some meditating session! I surmised. Before I headed to the shower, I reached up to the necklace to take it off. The locket opened, and there we were, the Joy I had lost, my forgotten love, and me, in my truest form.