What Could Have Been

(Trigger warning: domestic violence, death)

I’ll tell you a story. A story about the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. Her name was Jordyn.

Jordyn was about 4 '11, dark brown curly hair with a slim figure. When we first met, I had only considered her a close friend, but as the months went by and the seasons began to change, so did the way I felt about her. It started when I would imagine what it would be like to kiss her. Nothing too bad. Just an innocent kiss. Then soon after for reasons simply beyond my control, those feelings began to grow. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that made me start to feel this way. It came out of nowhere, and it hit me hard and fast. The more I realized my feelings about her, the more anxious I got. I would overthink the simple things I say. “Was that stupid?” “God, why would I say that?” “Does she think I’m an idiot?” I would always tear my room apart wondering what outfit I should wear to hang out with her. All these feelings were too new and overwhelming, and it became debilitating.

Sometimes, I would lay awake at night and imagine what a life with her would look like. I loved her hugs. I loved her smile. I loved her selflessness. I loved it when she would blast music in her car and sing at the top of her lungs. I loved it when she would say my name. I loved almost everything about her. I had never felt this way about a person before. All the crushes I've ever had in my youth couldn't hold a candle to the love I had for her. My life was as dreary as can be, but just the thought of Jordyn lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. I felt like nothing could ever really be that bad, because she was right there with me. Deep down I knew the longer I kept this secret, the more it would eat me alive. I decided that I would eventually tell her how I feel. It was a long shot, but I decided that it would be best. 

I told her how I felt when we were in her car, parked outside the lake near her house. The one we would always play at during the summers when we were kids. It was gorgeous, and the moonlight shone off the lake’s surface. It was almost as beautiful as her. When I told her, I held my breath, waiting for acceptance, or the crushing rejection. Instead, she grabbed my hand and rubbed her thumb in gentle circles on my palm. She had just gone through a breakup with her ex-boyfriend, Jason. I know, I know…looking back at the moment, it seems like a selfish move to do what I did. I just didn’t know what to do. Neither did she. She didn’t say much after my confession. She just looked at me, those big brown eyes piercing into mine and smiled. She said that she needed some time. 

So that's what I gave her. Long after that, summer turned into fall. Fall turned into winter. The holidays were rapidly approaching. It had been months since I had told Jordyn the truth, and although it did alleviate the tension on my heart, I did wonder where our friendship lied. After helping my family put up the Christmas decorations, I heard my phone go off. I picked it up to see a message from Jordyn. I immediately felt my heart beat out of my chest. I opened it. She had asked me to go to the Mission Inn with her and her cousin, Tina and our other friends Kai and Zach for the weekend after Christmas. She had always wanted to go during the holidays as a group. I instantly said yes and made plans for the following weekend. 

When we got there, it was marvelous. We got to see the Festival of Lights, we went to the town fair that was right across the street, we went out to a stunning restaurant that had just opened and enjoyed our entire night before eventually heading back to our hotel rooms. In the dark of the still, quiet room, I heard her small voice. She couldn’t sleep, and neither could I. I sat up and we both talked. About anything. About school. About music. About trees. About the end of the world. It didn’t matter. It never did when I was with her. Where would I be if I never met her? It was so surprising that one simple thing led me to someone like her in my life, and no matter what turn our relationship took I wouldn’t change that for the world. Our relationship was stagnant since that night at the lake, but never awkward. She told me that she was healing, not yet healed but close. 

I wanted to respect that. Her previous relationship was rocky, and the last thing I wanted was for her to force herself into something she wasn’t ready for. I told her that I would wait for her. God, I know that's such a cliche, but it felt worth it to me. I didn’t care how long it would take. She didn’t want me to, insisting that she would hold me back by letting me wait, but it didn't matter to me. I’ve never been in love before. Now that I knew what it felt like to love to such a degree, I didn’t want it to end. Not now. Not like this. So, we made a pact. We would wait for each other. Wait to be fully healed, wait to be mentally stable, wait to be in a good place. We didn’t want to enter this stage in our lives if we couldn’t give each other the very best versions of ourselves.

After that our group slowly began to go their separate ways, but not Jordyn and me. She eventually had to move a few hours away to take care of her dying grandmother, but we still made as much time as we could for each other. We were still as thick as thieves. I did want to keep my part of the pact. After the holidays were over, I started to take school more seriously. I began to work a part time job at our local coffee shop. I started working out more. Picking up a few more classes. Eating healthier. Reading more. Doing anything I could to better myself. Not just for me, but for her too. I was all in and wanted to be nothing but at my best.

The last day I heard from her was the day her family decided to finally admit her grandmother in a hospice. I was on the phone with her. Her voice started out shaky but ended clear and strong. That’s who she was. She was the strongest person I ever knew, and I was so proud of her for it. We talked on the phone for a few more hours, and before we got off the call, I told her that I wanted to see her. So, we made plans to meet each other next Tuesday at the lake. The same lake where I had confessed my love for her. We settled on a date and time and ended the conversation there. If only I had known our reunion would sadly never come. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Tuesday. The day we decided to meet at the lake. I had woken up early that day, and I could barely manage to get any sleep. By the time I got up, I saw that I had 13 missed calls. All from Tina. My heart leapt to my throat in an instant. A gnawing feeling began to eat away at me, and I started to feel sick. Something was wrong, so, so wrong. I shakily press the call back button and bring the ringer to my ear. I hear her answer, and when she answers me after I ask her what was going on, I slowly sink to my knees on my carpet. The whole world around me begins to blur and I become disoriented, and I could barely make out her words beyond the sobbing and hiccupping. I began to shake my head, refusing to believe a word she was saying. Much rather wanting to live in denial than a world where this could possibly be true. For a moment, just one moment, it felt as though the world had stopped spinning, and it had.

Throughout the middle of the night, Jason had broken into Jordyn's house. They were fighting, like they always did. He was drunk, like he always was. He started to shove her into the wall and beat on her like he would always do, but she fought back. As hard as she could, but it wasn’t enough. He quickly overpowered her, and he ended up strangling her until he broke her neck. That’s what the autopsy report had revealed. He ended up paying for his crimes. He'll never set foot in society again, but that doesn’t bring Jordyn back. It never will. Her funeral was a private ceremony, held in the church she was brought up in. The group had reunited to put Jordyn to rest. I'll never forget the look of agony in Kai and Zach's eyes. I remember seeing her in her casket. She looked so vibrant and full of life, even under all that makeup. She never looked dead, just asleep. 

It’s been six years now since Jordyn died. I am now 25. I am currently in therapy, trying to find some sort of closure. Some sort of escape from this insufferable rage that has been brewing inside me all this time. The anguish and grief that has consumed my everyday life for the past six years. If I had known that call would’ve been the last time I ever talked to her, I would have said so much more. I would have told her that I loved her. I could have finished school and we could've started a life together. We could have been happy. Maybe in another life we could've had our happy ending. Except this isn't a fairytale, and I lay awake most nights, overcome with the haunting thoughts of what could have been.