“Wakey wakey darlin’”
“Momma…” Eri’s voice drifted off as she fell asleep again.
This time Momma yanked the blanket away. It was still blindingly dark outside and there was no reason to wake the sweet soul up at this hour. Except that Momma was feeling a little panicky and looked at the door every few seconds. The door remained still until… the door shuddered as if someone was trying to force open it.
“Hunn-Hunny,” Momma stuttered, “Please, you have to wake up right now”
When Eri didn’t show any response, Momma lifted her in her arms and proceeded towards the back door. It was ice cold outside and the door handle was doubly icy. Momma had to peek to make sure that there was no one over there. Close to the house was the forest, covered with frost. She had to stagger towards it as she was carrying Inerys in her arms. Momma smushed and smashed on the freshly fallen snow and walked quietly but like a whirlwind. The bitter wind rushed past her, but she didn’t give up. At last, she stopped at the mouth of the forest.
Looking back at the house she whispered, “I’m sorry Daven” and turned towards the forest again. Her eyes squeezed and tears swept on her freezing face along till her chin.
“Don’t move lady,” the sudden voice made her eyes open again and her heart skipped a beat and started to race again. She took the air in and out of her lungs faster. “No! No! You can’t take her away. You can’t…”
Eri woke up by the loud voices. “What’s happening Momma?” She looked towards Momma and then followed her gaze which was towards the men. “Who are these people?”
Momma made Eri stand on her feet. “Er- Eri… Dear run away. Don’t wait for me. Run. I will deal with them”. Eri ran, all frightened up, as fast as she could. She kept looking back, hoping that she will see her Momma catching up with her. After running for what felt like hours, she stopped and bent down to hold her knees and took deep breaths. She looked back one more time, but all she could see was the thick and gloomy forest and weird noises. It was evening, and it made the forest look even scarier. She had never been out in the forest alone and now here she was, all lonely, with no specific place in her mind where she could go. It was all so hard for the fifteen-year-old Inerys to take in, her daddy away from home for business and her momma dealing with bad men that were trying to snatch her away from her. “Where are you going little girl?”
Eri looked up and panicked. “Stay away from me. Where is my Momma?”
“Your Momma wants to see you. Come, I won’t harm you. Let me take you to her”
“To hell with you people what are you trying to do. STAY AWAY, you pervert” The stranger held his hands up.
“If you want to see her alive. Follow me” Inerys hesitated but she followed the stranger out of the woods. Her Momma was standing there, so still and dry tear marks covered her face.
Eri jumped in her arms to hug her. “Momma, what happened?”
“Baby, you can’t leave. You can’t snatch her away from me,” Momma said addressing the bunch of people and hugged Eri more tightly.
“It’s time,” said a lady stepping forward. Her men stepped forward and tore Inerys away from Momma. Eri started to scream and cry and struggled to get out of the tight grip around her arms. The lady came towards Inerys holding a pendant.
“Hey there little girl,” she said to Inerys and bent down to tie the pendant around Eri’s neck.
“GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER NOW!” Momma screamed.
“Get away lady Inerys kicked her back. You don’t fool me like that. Momma run. I’ll be right behind you”
“Inerys I want to tell you something don’t listen to your mum come with me. I swear we will protect you.
“What the heck are you trying to say, lady?
“Your Momma never told you about me but you belong with me”
“Momma what is she saying?”
“You lying bitch. Inerys she is lying”
“Do you know her Momma?”
“Let me tell who I am Inerys,” the lady said, “If you would only listen to me”
“Don’t fool her with your lies, Enaha”
“Momma let me listen to her for once what she has to say”
Momma looks down all frightened and pale.
“Go on lady or else I’ll call the police”
“Inerys, As your momma already told, I’m Enaha” she held out a hand but Inerys crossed her arm and ignores it. The lady put down her hands and begins again.
“I apologize for pushing you like this. Your mother and I were really good friends in our childhood. We were 3 best friends including your father, Daven. Daven and your momma were dating but one summer Daven cheated on her with me. When your momma found out she ended our friendship. We were drunk and I apologized that it would never happen again. Your momma forgave Daven. They got back together but our friendship never healed. Then I found out I was expecting a baby. I told Daven. He told your Momma.When the baby was born, I gave up the baby t-to-”
“What?” Inerys inquired.
“I gave up the baby to Daven and your Momma”
Inerys looked confused and shocked at the same time towards Momma.
“What is she saying Momma is that true?”
Momma squeezed her eyes. “She said the truth but Inerys, baby don’t listen to her” A tear rolled down Momma’s cheek.
“I never stopped loving you Inerys. You were always my sunshine. I always missed you”
Inerys couldn’t listen more of it and shook her head in disbelief.
“Eri”
Inerys kept shaking her head. It was all so difficult to take in.
“Don’t say it,” Inerys couldn’t take a lot of information in at one time.
“It’s you Inerys, you were the child”
Inerys bent down on her knees and looked at Momma.
"Say it's not true Momma, say that she is lying"
Tears filled her eyes. Momma had to tell her.
"It's true"
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Hallo!!
This is engaging and intense. I love how suspenseful it is. I will admit that I was thrown off a bit when "Eri" switched to "Inerys", and also when I'd read that she was 15. I'd imagined her as a younger child. There seemed to be some narrative inconsistencies, like who were the men after her? Were they the same people who found her? When Enaha said they'll protect her, what did she mean? It would've, at least to me, furthered the story along better if there were some description toward the end, in that climatic scene where the secret got out. I also noticed some unintentional ricochet between tenses, some punctuation and grammatical (syntax included) errors. And yea. Asides those, this is a pretty fine story. Nice!
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Thank you... Yeah, I know there was a point where she looked like a younger child and she is. Actually, I wrote this story on Wattpad with Inerys as a 7-year-old child but then I found about this contest so I shortened one chapter of my novel and made some changes in it, though in the actual story everything is much clearer. Would you check out this book on my Wattpad account with the name "Behind the Shadows" by infinitedeep?
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Sure.
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Hi Eleena,
I liked the intensity of your story. It was fast-paced, engaging, and it had a full circle feeling at the conclusion. I thought Momma was a powerful character in the plot, but I had some trouble figuring out Inerys/Eri. From the early descriptions, I imagined her more as a small, whimpering 7-year old child than a sluggish, feisty 15-year old. It was also never explained who the circle of men were. I like that you used dialogue to express the characters' personalities. Maybe add in a few more descriptions near the end instead of total back and forth dialogue? Other than a some grammatical errors I think you did a nice job overall. Good luck! :)
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Thank you
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