Am I or aren't I

Ian stared out of the train's window. Although the picturesque mountainous scenery danced before him, he could only think of what he had left behind. The others on the train were laughing, talking, maybe sleeping or even looking at their phones but he kept peering straight out of the window as though something would pop in and tell him to go back.

It was too late for that. The only thing that could stop him from reaching his destination was some sort of natural disaster, he thought to himself quite frequently. Truly, he never wanted to wish himself such trauma but he did.

Because trauma was easier than facing life. People treated you different after knowing what you have been through. After the initial horrifying realization, a warm polite smile peeks out and then you're left with the malleable putty of a human that is left behind. Though, he didn't want people to feel sorry for him. He wanted some sort of worriless bliss for once in his life.

Out of the window he could envision his dazzling beautiful bride smiling so hard she could bust. Dark hair, slender hands, emitting some kind of warmth that God specially spritz onto her soul to make it that more enticing. Beautiful was not enough of a description he would often tell her.

However, pushing his image of his beautiful envisioning of his bride to be was his family. He could see them all like ghosts. The greenery in the background still peering through them.

His mother stood there, a kind-round faced lady who who gave him encouragement when she could in his teenager years. His dad, a well-educated wise soul, who made his projects in school. Who also taught him right from wrong. He remembered his childhood pretty well from learning to ride bikes, to finding different sorts of projects to do with his parents, entering college on their dime, having dinner at their house, talking to them with inside jokes and even gossiping about the neighbours or even other family members.

Those two images could not merge. No matter how hard he tried to think about it. Their happy smiles towards him separately turned into polite awkwardness when his bride tried to waltz her way into the parent's image.

It hurt.

Imagine, the same world yet the members of it refusing to join. It pained him. He felt sick at the idea of marrying her without his parents there or turning his back on his bride to keep peace with the family. It's not that they hated her. They simply made their peace. They liked the girl... They hated the situation.

Ian sighed. He started to despise his thoughts which were once filled with ideas for novels and movies. Truth be told Ian could only write when in proper pain. He never could write when he was happy. Then there would be no motivation.

The first book he wrote was filled with malice towards his music teacher. The second was injected with malice towards his grade school teacher who told him the idea wouldn't work. Then his third and fourth and his fifth were due to some sort of childhood trauma he kept replaying in the back of his mind fueling his rage because it should have never happened in the first place. Now his sixth book was at a stand still. The pain point of view was not working anymore. Something blocked him.

It probably blocked him because it was no longer anger. It was pure depression.

He had to get over obstacles in his life but the idea of hosting a wedding without anyone but his bride paled in comparison. Ideally, there are only four people needed in a wedding. The bride, the groom, the minister and the witness who could also double as the photographer.

Oh how Ian wished he could think like that. He'd save money though. But it meant something when he realized his parents wouldn't be coming - something clicked. A horrible thought actually. Although they had been there for all of his graduations from kindergarten to college - mandatory and esteemed awards he had been proud to collect due to hard work, long nights, mental breakdowns, stress and fear upon dropping out because of his parents. The idea of them not coming meant that they were proud of his accomplishments and not his happiness. Parents can't choose who they parent.

However, Jessica chose to love him. But her religion and beliefs were different. She chose a religion of pure love and acceptance while his parents chose one of fear and coercion. Ian feared too. Once he didn't squash his wife's beliefs, everything would be fine. She supported him so lovingly everyday.

But oh how he feared. Years of fear. Everyday with his parents was a worrisome feat. He had suppressed his loves for anything. He bought headphones to hide his rock music, he passed on limited tee shirts of his favourite shows, hid posters and threw away gifted jewelery that looked too gothic - anything to look like the good obedient son they wanted.

Then Jessica came along. They spoke about everything. He felt comfortable. However, he was taught that anything that felt too good was just a ploy for the devil to sneak in. He didn't think of her as a devil... he thought of her as an angel. Pure.

He wished he grew up in her religion but it was too late to change. Already mixed in his family's blood too well. There was no hatred between her and her siblings. No malice between her and the church. No instead, she kept to herself and supported him.

That was all he ever wanted. Support. He sighed once more, softly to himself. The answer was obvious who he was going to choose, although it was painful, his life was just like the scenery beyond the window. People must have plowed their way through the ticket of trees in order to place a railway. It destroyed part of the ecosystem and the other trees must be living in fear wondering and waiting for when the woodcutters would come to widen the rails.

However, like his love for Jessica, the trees were plentiful, they stood strong and mighty although frightened for their lives and in the end, when all humanity is gone.

Nature will take over.