Luca

“I wish we could stay here forever,” Lucy breathed.

We could have been sunning in brilliant Italy, our secret hideaway, lazy-assed and drunk on hope. I could have been there as support, her man, the one and only.

I’m nearer to her than ever as she slips away, her eyes fading faster than the twilight outside her window.

Outside is where hospital staff mill about on their breaks, smoking cigarettes and stomping them out, little sparks escaping from under their feet into the deepening night.

The hospital room felt like a battlefield, the machines plotting Lucy’s demise, while I rage at the drooping flowers, unwanted reminders of life’s fragility.

“Is Mom dead yet?” Luca’s voice cut through my thoughts, grounding me in this harsh reality.

I’m startled, but I needn’t have been. It’s just Luca bustling in with his afternoon help.

“Any trouble?” I ask as Luca goes to kiss his mother’s cheek.

Working later than usual, Sandra is in a hurry to leave. “No trouble,” she says brightly. “He’s had his meds. I fed him, but he didn’t eat much. He's probably upset.”

Luca gets closer to the bed. “Are you dead, mom?”

Lucy moves her lips, but we can’t hear anything. It’s good that Luca is talking about it, so I don’t try to stop him. Lucy would put up with anything for her son—something I could never do.

Sandra is hanging about the door, looking uncomfortable. Though a temp, she tried her best to connect with us. Her cheerful demeanor often masked her uncertainty, but we appreciated her efforts. Jerry, my brother, was due to arrive soon, too. Unlike Sandra, he always seemed composed, a trait I envied and resented.

“You’ll be in tomorrow?” I ask as Sandra is about to go.

“Until Friday,” she replies.

“Great,” I answer. “See you tomorrow.”

With so many changes to Luca's routine, I would do anything to avoid him having a meltdown, especially now. It became Lucy's life to make sure he never wanted for anything.

Lucy could have had a great career in finance, which is where we met.

But with her at home and my work demands being what they were, not to mention the many temptations to get involved with other women, our lives soon devolved into something we never planned. Then Lucy got sick, which complicated things even more...

I hear a knock at the door. Jerry, my brother, breezes in, still in his business suit. He probably arranged for a sitter. He is such a get-up-and-go guy.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Jennifer had to stay back for the Westphal deal. She’ll be here tomorrow, though,” Jerry said, staring at Lucy and her labored breathing with a concerned look.

"Pancreatic cancer does this?" he sighed.

I could smell the faint scent of his cologne and, what else? Whiskey. He had a few, maybe more than that. It wasn’t that surprising.

I looked at him and then pressed my hand on his arm. It was an unspoken aside, a hidden moment between us.

 “Oh, I had no idea!” he exclaimed. “I’ll call Jennifer.”

“Don’t,” I answer, releasing my grip.

#

Luca needed to use the bathroom, and his stuffed animal, Teddy, had to lead the way. Teddy had to go ahead of us like a guard bear. He would have to creep around corners and look in all the doorways. When it came time to go into the single-stall unisex washroom, Teddy had to open the door. Luca took so long to do his business that Jerry knocked on the door before we were finished.

“Josh, I think you better come right away,” he said, his voice faltering.

“I’ll be right out," I replied. Of course, then Emma, my girlfriend, called. My cell is in my pants when my hands are full, so she would have to wait. We were supposed to get together this evening, she's my emotional support, my confidant. I could pour out my heart to her.

Luca was doing up his pants. He was so proud of doing it all by himself that he wanted to show me. We had to do the same routine with Teddy back to the room, slowly walking.

It had taken a long time, much longer than I expected. A nurse with a clipboard stood outside Lucy's room, waiting for us. At that moment, as we slowly made our way down the hallway, the nurse's knowing look made tears close my eyes to anything visible.

It was as if I gazed through a frosted window into another world, where, on a cold, bright morning, I watched my friends frolicking in the snow, throwing snowballs, laughing, and yelling insults.

I want to join them, but I'm always late. While they pile into their cars, I scratch the window frost with frozen nails, wondering if it is that far—from here to that mountain, skis on the roof, flush faces, endless energy, the shenanigans, the new stories. Who would fall off the bunny hill? Would it be me, rolling and rolling ever downward, alone and afraid?

I feel awkward keeping a teddy bear at a child's height. “Thanks,” I say, all choked up and barely able to function as we walk by her.

The nurse smiled ruefully, her shield across her chest, that clipboard ready for that next revelation, another ruptured family to attend to.

But Luca was here, impatient, looking up at me with his soft, doe eyes. What would be his reaction to his mother's passing?

I took Luca’s hand and led him into the room. “Let Teddy lead the way,” I said.

“Mom, I did it by myself!” Luca exclaimed. He placed Teddy on the bed. “Mom, I’m tired. Can we go home now?”

Jerry wasn’t much help, looking everywhere about the room except at us. He was so nervous that it probably would have been better if Jennifer had come. I had never seen him this way. I took Teddy into my hands again.

“Teddy is brave and all grown up, Luca,” I said. “He opened the door to the washroom, and he could show us the way now. Will you let him?”

Luca looked at me. “What about Mom?”

“Mom is going to a new place. You’ll see her soon, tomorrow, maybe.”

Then Luca was serious as if he was making a great effort to understand something. "Daddy, is death like not seeing?" he said in a matter-of-fact voice.

It was all I could do not to bawl.

#

When it was time to leave, it was pretty late. Luca fell asleep with Teddy in the plush chair in the corner of the room, his little legs dangling off one of the arms. He didn’t wake up when I took him in my arms.

After they came for the body, Jerry rushed off, saying the usual things: Call anytime. Anything you need, just call me. I walked by a security guard on my way out of the hospital. He was smoking at a collapsible card table when he wasn't supposed to, a radio blaring while he read his newspaper.

What song was he listening to? Losing My Religion by R.E.M.? I couldn't get it out of my head while I crossed the parking lot, my footsteps echoing into the night. I put Luca in the back seat and fastened his seatbelt.

My phone rang the razzmatazz ringtone. I swatted it, nearly knocking my cell into the pavement. It was Emma.

 “I was so worried. Why didn’t you call? Is everything alright?” she asks.

“It’s over,” I said.

“Oh," she replies.

“Luca is coming with me tonight.”

“So, you aren't coming over?” Emma asks.

It was so warm and humid. I let the slight breeze caress my face, feeling the cold wetness around my eyes fade.

Emma kept talking and talking, but all I heard were the lyrics to that song the security guard was listening to. It wouldn't stop:

Oh, life, it's bigger

It's bigger than you

And you are not me

The lengths that I will go to

The distance in your eyes

Oh, no, I've said too much

I set it up...

A rage I had never felt before welled up within me, making me hang up on Emma before it was a conscious thought.

I would take that trip to Italy and have a brilliant time.

And everything would now be for Luca—absolutely everything.