Before and After Maria

The chocolate isn't even good, Robert thought to himself. They manufacture these stupid hearts with the lowest-quality chocolate they can make...like with the stupid Easter chocolate bunnies. Why not make the product actually taste good? 'Slike eating sickly sweet cardboard with the watery ooey gooey stuff in the middle. I mean, if they made a quality product, I guess then they'd have to charge more. Who knows the real reason... But Valentine's Day is a wash anyway. A made up capitalist holiday, Robert concluded to himself as he moved past the seasonal aisle in the market to make his way to his end goal - toothpaste.

But even toothpaste wasn't safe.

He scanned the shelves for his preferred brand, and it's as if his eyes glazed over when they reached her preferred brand, some natural charcoal type thing. He just wanted his $1.29 tube of striped toothpaste that promised "minty fresh breath." He could feel the skin on the back of his neck heat as he grabbed the duo pack and rushed to the self checkout. It was happening again, and he didn't want to be around other people when it did. Stupid people looking at stupid candy hearts and stupid oversized teddy bears.

What would his therapist say? "It's not the people you take issue with, Robert. You're still trying to deal with what happened, and the people around you are collateral damage. But you can't let them be. They're innocent."

He doesn't remember arriving to his car, doesn't even remember that it had apparently started raining while he was in the market, rather hard, or was that sweat drenching his body? Tears?  He had a cold chill emanating from his bones and couldn't feel anything else. Just cold, and the kind of empty that people who have never been through this sort of thing can't understand. Stupid people. Stupid, ignorant people, blissful people - oh, how he envied them. He'd give anything to be some poor schmuck who didn't understand real pain. Direct pain. Pain that shot straight through his middle and blanketed every other cell in his body, rendering him weak, useless. Everything hurt. Why did she have to leave?

He didn't often allow himself to think about Maria. Even just thinking about her name gave him some sort of sick pleasure - more pain racked on top of what he was already feeling, but an aftertaste of that ignorant bliss he so wanted. Memories tend to do that. He decided to give into the dichotomy, but it wasn't truly a decision. Once his mind reached a certain point, there was no going back, and he'd sit, for hours and hours - thinking about Maria.

Valentine's Day was Maria's favorite holiday. She even decorated the house for it. She had a white Christmas tree that she called her "Love Tree," and decked it out with everything pink and red and white. Heart ornaments, cherubs, roses, pictures of Robert and Maria at the Empire State Building in 2012, of their first kiss as man and wife in 2015, of their first year of dating in 2010. Together. That's what she said..."The one word that I think of when I look at this tree is 'together.'"

The fireplace got donned with pink icicles and red crepe paper. The  decorative towels in the bathroom got switched out for the ones with pink and red hearts on them. She'd buy those stupid chocolates every day from February 1 - February 13. February 14, of course, Robert was expected to provide the chocolates. And he did. He gave Maria everything she wanted, without a second thought. Chocolate hearts, her favorite wine, tickets to the ballet, huge stuffed teddy bears holding hearts that said, "I LOVE YOU!"

He would've given his life for Maria if he could see the dimples on her radiant face once more. She was his brown eyed girl, she was what he planned his life around. She was at the center of everything. She was his center of gravity. And now that she was gone, he never knew which way was up anymore. He was constantly falling, never reaching his destination, but he didn't care. Before and after Maria, Robert felt asleep. Before and after Maria, Robert was the type of person who resented Valentine's Day, all it stood for, and all the people who loved it.

But during Maria... During Maria he was awake, alive, a different person. Energized and always laughing. Always thinking about what he could next to make her happy, which in turn made him happy. He'd never loved before. He thought he did, but it's like Maria brought him to his senses. Like, "oh no, silly. That wasn't love. That wasn't even scratching the surface of boundless love. Here, let me show you." And she showed him, over and over. Every day. Even during their arguments, they loved. Even during dark days, they respected one another and loved.

Robert was gripping the steering wheel of his car so hard that he was sure it would crumble. The waves of grief ripped through him, an unstoppable tidal wave, a powerful rip current that was forcing him under to the point of no return. He didn't care. He'd sit on the bottom of the ocean floor until the last bubble of breath left his body. What was the point without her? Why did she have to leave him?

The cancer was quick, but slow enough so she could properly say her goodbyes. That was supposed to be some sort of consolation prize for everyone. The day that Maria's diagnosis was confirmed was the day Robert stopped living. Or maybe he just fell back into the deep sleep that he once existed in. Every day, he was numb, unless he thought about her. He was either numb or in an unbearable amount of pain. There wasn't an in between for him anymore. The worst part of this way that he felt he was disappointing her. In their last conversation with each other, she made him promise he'd move on. That he'd love again. That he wouldn't harden...that the love they had would never be in vain. That was almost four years ago and he had not moved on. He did not love again. He was way past hardened.

He hit the steering wheel, over and over and over. She was so selfish, so stupid to think that he could possibly just move past it. Like her death was just a blip on the radar. That it was just something for him to "get through, move past, process and go on." She mustn't have understood how much she meant to him. How much he relied on her. How horrifying it was for him to experience loving someone like her, then have it ripped away as if the whole thing was a fever dream. Some days, he wasn't sure that the last 11 years even happened. That alone is enough to drive a man mad.

Whole body shaking, tears still falling down in warm curtains on his face, Robert re-entered the store, made his way to the seasonal aisle, grabbed the biggest, stupidest teddy bear he could find, and a box of the low-quality chocolate hearts Maria loved so much, then a dozen red roses from the floral section.

He went to her grave for the first time since she left, set his gifts down, and curled up into a ball onto the themed teddy bear. There Robert sat with his pain and tremors until night fall, talking to Maria about everything they'd do for Valentine's Day if she was still here.