Why Are You Here?

#ReedsyEncounter

When the Pandemic hit, most everything was shutdown. A lot of church buildings were closed so, many congregations started delivering sermons via social media platforms. One Sunday I heard you speak, but I couldn't listen to you. You spoke on marriage. My heart was too heavy to hear your message, so I turned you off. Seven days later, there you are again. As I raised my hand to turn you off, once again, (rolling my eyes), I heard a small, still, yet powerful Voice which said, "Just listen." As I listened to you, my eyes started swelling with tears. I knew why. The funny thing is, you didn't even know that I existed. You spoke on marriage. It was very difficult for me to listen to because I was in a horrible marriage. My marriage was full of lies, deceit and cheating. You spoke on how love and marriage should be. I was angry with you! "How dare you! I'm over here struggling and you're talking about love?" All that you spoke on was true, but I didn't have that in my marriage. At the end of your sermon, an email address was on the screen for anyone who had questions or prayer requests. I saw it for several Sundays before I decided to email you. I could have spoken to my local minister, but I didn't want my "then" husband to yell at me for telling our business to someone we knew. I chose you to confide in because you didn't know either one of us. I emailed you. You responded. We emailed a few times and then you asked, based on what I wrote in the email, if we could talk. I couldn't talk to you at home because "he" was there. I don't want to even think about what would have happened if he knew that I told you what was happening. So, I called you and we talked on my hour long commute from work. You were very kind. You listened without judgment. You prayed with me. You sat and listened to me cry. I poured out my heart to you. I still don't know why and that was 4 yrs ago. You assured me that whatever I told you would be confidential. Thank you. You told me that you were worried about me. I told you that I was ok. You would check in on me from time to time. I appreciated that. And then it happened, he walked out on me. I wasn't sad. I felt free. You became very concerned about me. I think because I wasn't torn up by his abandoning. I told you that I was fine. By then, we had already known each other for 2 years with you counseling me through my separation and divorce. In 2 years I told you 6 yrs worth of the crap that I went through. I didn't even know that you were divorced until you mentioned it in a sermon a year after I started listening to you. I respect the fact that you genuinely cared about me and my situation. You never flirted. You were never inappropriate. Thank you.

After my divorce, you and I became friends. Joking. Laughing. Serious conversations. Biblical talk. We'd talk about an hour or 2, sometimes 3. You'd apologize for keeping me on the phone for HOURS. I told you that it wasn't a problem. One evening, we pulled in a 7 hour conversation! There weren't any gaps of silence at all! We went from one topic to another. From mid evening to 1 or 2 am was the best time I'd had in a long time! THAT was cool, so cool. Seven hours can reveal a lot about a person. We found out how much alike we are, things that we never knew about each other. From our eating habits, lifestyle, and so much more. THAT was really cool. We continue to stay in touch, but something has changed. I'm starting to care about you. You go from my counselor in time of need to someone that I'm really fond of? Yeah, yeah.... I'm VERY fond of you. It's not a rebound type of thing. I mourned my marriage to "him" years before he walked out on me. My feelings for you are because of who you are. You're an amazing man. There are multiple times of the day that I have to make myself stop thinking about you. Some thoughts are specific like the things which we both like to do. Some thoughts aren't specific. It's just you. I keep trying to fight this feeling. I try to think of things that you may say that irritate me, or get on my nerves. If I focus on that, I can keep a reign on my feelings, right? That doesn't work. No one is perfect. No human is going to say everything just the way I want it said. I know. BUT, doesn't it show a pattern? You know like the mess that I dealt with in my past? The things that I never want to see, hear, or experience again. Am I reaching for straws? I love you but, I don't want to love you. I was hurt so badly by my ex husband, emotionally and mentally.... I don't know if I want to be with anyone ever again. BUT YOU have sparked something within me to even consider a relationship again. Maybe God put you here in my life to legitimately help me through a tough time and I'm looking at "us" wrong? Maybe God is letting me know, through you, that someone... somewhere is out there for me. You know, someone that I can gel with like I gel with you? OR, God is saying that you are the one for me. You've changed my life. I feel alive when chatting with you. The part of me that I thought was dead is alive with you. The thing is, we have a wedge between us; distance. There's a 12 hour drive between us, or an hour and 43 minute flight. Is this something that I want to pursue? I don't know. I'm scared. Is this something that you want or would consider? Our conversations go both ways. You told me about a lady, who you know well, who said you two should date each other. I asked you if you would date her. You said she's nice, but you wouldn't. You then proceeded to tell me that you'd expect ME to say something like that to you. I truly had no words.

You got burned by your ex. I got burned by my ex. I feel like there's hesitation on both of our ends. Do remember how speechless I was when I came to hear your preach in person? After service, you asked me why I was looking at you "that way" and what was on my mind. Well, I have no clue. Seriously. I think I just went blank. That was well before all of our intense conversations. You crack me up when you talk about that moment.

Why are you here? Well, however God wants it, it will be. But, until God reveals the purpose of our connection, our bond.... I will continue to enjoy out phone conversations and text messages. I will love you where I am. I will love you where you are.