Rituals

“Mr Canter?”

It was finally my turn. I smoothed out my jeans and red tee then ran my hands through my locs.  I got up and followed the assistant as we  walked into the office slowly.  It was a throwback from the 70s if ever I had seen one, complete with flowered chairs and fainting couch with a plaid design and a lava lamp on the table. A woman who I assumed was Dr Andrea Goch sat in one of the flower power chairs, her curly brown head down reading what I presumed was my file.  Upon hearing me walk into the room she looked up and smiled at me with bright red lips and beautiful white teeth.  Her slightly slanted brown eyes looked odd on her round heart shaped face and her bright yellow cat eye glasses had slid down her small nose.. Her coco brown skin was flawless and other than the lipstick she looked as though she had no make up on.

“Mr canter its great to meet you please have a seat where ever you feel comfortable”

I kept it to myself that there was nowhere in this room that would make me feel comfortable and instead took a seat on the brown flowered chair right across from her.  She stared at me waiting for me to start the conversation but talking to other people was not one of my strong suits and one of the reasons I was here in the first place.. Instead I looked down at my chocolate brown hands and waited for her to initiate. Dr Gich said politely and softly,

So Mr Canter, Can i call you Mr Canter? What brings you in ti talk to me today”

I looked up and saw her smiling serenely at me waiting for my reply.

“Um, call me Myles and there are so many reasons I am here but i guess the main reason is the rituals,” I replied nervously. She looked at me puzzled 

“The rituals Myles? Can you elaborate so i can understand what you mean:”

“Well,” I said, “I don't know what else to call it. There are these things I have to do every day or something bad happens “

“Ok, what are the thing you have to do?”

“You are going to think I am crazy and have me committed as soon as the season is over Doc.” I said and smiled ruefully.  She put her hand on mine and looked me straight in the eye as she said, “Myles i can promise you no such will happen.  I am here to help you and i cannot do that if I don't know what is going on..”  I took a deep calming breath.  This is why you came so suck it up and tel; her I chastised myself. I looked and my fingers and began to explain.

“Every morning at 6am exactly i wake up and the first thing I do is tap my feet 10 times on the bed.  I cannot get out of bed without doing this. Next at 8am no matter where i am i myst tap the ground 8 times there are no exceptions.  Even if i am in the restroom this must happen.  Next at 10 i have to turn in a circle 6 times. Even if I am in a meeting this has to happen.  You can imagine the looks I use to get before we went to skype meetings.  At 12pm i have to knock 4 times.  If i have no surface to knock on I do it on my head.  As you can imagine lunch dates or meetings are out,  At 2pm I have to snap twice, not such a big deal in the grand scheme I know.  Finally at 4pm I have to jump once during the week, usually it's while I am walking to my car on the weekends. I make sure I am home at that time.  I am in bed my 6 most nights and it all starts over the next day in a never ending loop.  It's physically exhausting and draining on me.”

Dr Goch listened to my speech writing at a blinding pace then looked up at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

“That's quite a ritual you have, Myles.  Let me ask you what happens if you miss one of these rites if you choose not to do them at all?”

“People I Love Die” I whispered.she looked at me as if she did not understand what i said but i refused to repeat it.  Finally she started writing again and I sighed in relief that i would have to say that ugly truth.again.  She looked up at me still with that unreadable face and a forced smile on her face and asked

“Why do you think people in your family will die without you specifically doing these rituals?”

“It's happened before. Three times now”

“Ok can you tell me about the first time” I sighed and launched into my dirty past

“The first was when i was 10…”

“Wait a minute, sorry to interrupt but when did these ritual start?”

“I am not sure really but my earliest memory of them is when I was 5..  My Kindergarten teach had to have a conference to let my parents know what a little weirdo I was being in school. They pretended to have no knowledge of what was going on even though i was also doing it at home.  Making it seem as though I was just acting out in school. They would change my school every year so that they could put on this act for a new audience until I was in 3rd grade when they finally got me a private tutor who did not care how weird I was as long as they were getting paid.”

“I am sure your parents did not think you were a little weirdo.”

“Sure they did.  They told me in no uncertain terms just that on a regular basis.” i said snidely to hide how much that fact still hurts

“Hmmm. please continue to tell me about the first death”

“Ok. As I said, I was 10 and this day I was particularly cross at my dad.  We had yet another fight about whether I could control these rituals.  His stance being I was just doing it for attention and I could stop any time.  I have always known that these things are what were keeping my loved ones from dying but tonight I wanted him dead.  So I skipped the 2pm snap and 4pm jump with the thought that I wanted to kill my dad.  At 615 while my dad was watching his news he had a massive stroke and was dead before the ambulance even arrived.  I know that I had murdered him and cried more out of guilt of that knowledge than because I was particularly sad because he was dead.  My mother, always one to never miss a chance at making me miserable, made sure to remind me that his death was my fault as often as she could.”

“Is that when you decided to start going to bed a 6 on the dot”

“Yes actually it is now that you mention it.  Funny I have never put the 2 things together before.””  More furious writing for the Doc.  I had no idea what she was writing but at least i was not in a straight jacket or handcuffed for murder so that was something. She finally looked up after several minutes and said 

“Has this happened more than once?”

“Yes Maamam, two other times with my grandmother and my Aunt.”

“And you are convinced that it was because you missed all or part of your ritual?”

“Yes” 

“It’s almost 4pm time for,”  she looked down at her notes and back at me “you to jump once. I want you to sit here until 4:15 and not jump. Let's see how true your theory is.”  as the time ticked by I began to get nervous.  Then I started to fidget.  As the hand on the clock struck 4 I began to sweat as I watched the little hand tick around.  I made it 30 seconds before i jumped out of my seat and screamed i can't do this and jumped once and ran out the office just before the clock stuck 4:01.

The next week I went back to see Dr Goch.  I reasoned with myself that she was only trying to help and was not trying to make me kill anyone. However, just to be sure this appointment was set for 12:30 (my ritual would already be done and I would be out of there before I needed to complete the next one).  I wanted to hear if she thought I was a crazy Murderer and if she could help me.  I walked into her retro office and she was once again seated in her flower power chair reading my file.  As she heard me walk in she welcomed me back and asked to have a seat.  I once again sat in the brown flowered chair and waited for her to initiate today's convocation. 

“I am so happy you came back Myles. I am sorry the last session got a little intenses for you.” I nodded and forced a smile on my face to let her know all was fine if not totally forgiven.

“Let's start with the fact that you are not crazy and are not a murderer.   You have what is called obsessive compulsive disorder.  OCD for short. Basically your rituals are necessary to keep the thoughts that give you anxiety from overwhelming you.  I am sure that although death in your biggest on it is not the only one you have.  We are going to treat it with medication and you coming to talk through some of the intrusive thoughts that you have. The combination of both will help you need less and less rituals.”  I was relieved I was not crazy and there was a name for what I had something I could do about it.  I smiled and looked up at her

“:so my new ritual will be taling to you?”

:”Yes in a way.”

Over the next several months she taught me all about how my brain works and we have talked through several of the smaller fears and off and on worked on the big one.  Going to Dr Goch and the support group I am in has become my new ritual.  My old one have not totally disappeared but they are getting less and less as time goes on.  Finally I have a ritual that does not get me staired at and ostracized plus i know that there are other people what think like me too.  This is the best outcome I could have asked for.