Without you.

CW: Death

“It’s okay. I understand,” I whisper. “You can leave. They all do.”

Kayleigh goes silent on the other end of the phone. All I hear is the shaking of the bus, the stupid, rowdy kids in the front, and the white noise in the background. All meant nothing to me. 

Kayleigh’s quiet penetrates the deepest parts of my heart and my soul.

“Vienna, I don’t want to break up with you—” she starts again.

“It’s fine, Kay, I understand,” I forced out, my voice cracking. “You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m used to it.”

Silence for another few moments. Then, three beeps, signaling to me and my shattered heart the end of the phone call.

Melanie Martinez’s music that I turn back on submerges anything else I can think about, anything the world has to offer to me. The kids in front are still roaring their crap. But I don’t hear it. I hear nothing with Bittersweet Tragedy blasting in my eardrums.

The bus pulls up to the school eventually, and I get up from my seat, feeling no emotion, no pain, nothing.

I walk to my homeroom, 400B. I don’t mind the long walk, it lets me be in my own fantasy dreamworld for a little bit longer until I’m interrupted by the animals that walk the halls of this school.

I eventually arrive, and I’m miserable, even though I know all good things must come to an end. I push open the door and find a classroom with half-full lab tables. I take out my earbuds and walk over to the teacher.

She looks up from a list and smiles. “Oh my, you’re gorgeous.”

I bite my lip and look down, not bothering to smile or even acknowledge her compliment. “Where do I sit?”

“What’s your name?” the teacher asks.

“Vienna Camarata,” I murmured.

“You sit with Kai and Nyomi,” she says, pointing over to a table.

I nod and walk over, head down, not bothering to look for familiar faces. I would know if there were any in this class. He would be shouting my name by now.

I lower myself into the desk, trying not to stare at the two girls already seated. They glare down at me from their phones, and I shrink down into my seat. I feel like I’m prey, and they’re the hunters, waiting to pounce down on me.

Everyone has their phones out, so I assume I’m allowed to use mine as well. I pull out my earbuds and hook them up, brain fogging up again, letting myself be submerged by the sound of Melanie’s voice that engulfs me—

“Vienna,” my homeroom teacher’s sharp voice cuts me out of my daze. “No earbuds in the building.”

I want to ask why. The question tugs at my lips, but I force my mouth to stay shut. I force myself to stay calm and quiet as I text Valentino, my best friend.

Vienna: valll i hate this fucking school

Vienna: they wont let me have u or melanie

Vienna: i need my emotional support puppies

Valentino: Aw u will be ok 👍👍👍

Vienna: i wont tho

Vienna: i know no one

Vienna: and these girls i sit with are rlly freaking me out

Vienna: Val?

Vienna: r u there???

Vienna: VALENTINO IM STARTING TO PANIC!!

Vienna: HELLOO????

I groan softly as I exit the chat. Unlike me, Valentino’s doing fine. He probably has a million friends in his homeroom.

He doesn’t need me.

I instinctively open Kayleigh’s texts to cure my boredom and slight dread, and close them immediately after, remembering the awkward conversation on the bus. The panic settles in, but I force myself to breathe. You are okay. Everything is fine.

That’s just what you tell yourself, my anxiety cautioned. Panic, panic, the world can end at any moment, you need to be ready, you need to be safe—

I suddenly fade into a flashback.

“Juliette, please,” Father begs as Mom grabs her purse and keys.

“I can’t be around her anymore,” Mom hisses, walking out the front door.

And suddenly, as the bell rings, the moment is over, and I fade back into reality.

The rest of the day is dull and uneventful. Time ticks by slower than ever as we come closer and closer to lunch. My mind wanders to subjects like Kayleigh and homework and my schedule, but I try not to have another flashback to Mom and those days.

It was all your fault she left, all your fault your father’s depressed now, it’s all your—

Stop, I command myself. Relax. Just stop thinking for now. Five minutes till lunch. Five minutes till you get to see Valentino.

The bell finally rings, and I practically leap out of my seat, racing towards the cafeteria. All I can think about is how much I want to see Valentino. How tired I am of not having my best friend by my side.

I find an empty table and try to tune out the relentless shouting of my fellow students. I wish I had my earbuds on me right now. 

Valentino takes his time coming, and five minutes have passed since lunch started without him. He finally enters, surrounded by a group of boys. It’s amazing how quickly he can make friends. He spots me and runs over, shouting, “Vivi!”

“Val!” I yell back, and he embraces me.

“I missed you,” I murmur into his shoulder, trying to hold back the tears that have bombarded me all day long.

“What happened—” he starts, but he’s cut off suddenly.

“Is that your girlfriend?” one of the boys behind him asks.

“What–?” Valentino pulls away. “Nah, she’s gay. She’s just my best friend.”

I blush as the boy exchanges a weird look with his friends. “Anyways, I see Carter over there. See ya, Val.”

Valentino doesn’t reply, instead facing me again. “What’s going on, Vienna?”

“I broke up with Kayleigh this morning,” I say quietly.

“Oh, Vivi,” he murmurs, hugging me again. “What happened?”

“I don’t even know—” I say, my voice cracking.

“Do you want to go home?” he asks. I nod, swiping at my cheeks.

He stands up. “C’mon, let’s go to the nurse. I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well.”

I follow him out of the cafeteria, both of us leaving our lunches untouched, even though I can hear his stomach protesting loudly.

Val’s a good friend. That’s the one thing in my life I have never, not once, doubted.

*********************************************

“I’m home,” I call, slamming the door shut behind me. I don’t expect a reply and I don’t get one, which means I’m on my own for the rest of the night. Usually I just go over to Kayleigh’s or Val’s. 

Sometimes, Mom’s new husband comes to pick me up for the weekends. He has three daughters, two named Maddie and Keira with his once-living first wife, and a little one named Harper that’s my half-sister. She’s actually quite cute, and she’s nothing like my mother. Mom’s new husband is pretty nice, too. I can’t see how he could love a monster like her.

I waste my three hours until dinner doing most of my homework and trying to type up a message to send to Kayleigh. Neither of those activities works out well.

Dad hasn’t come in yet, so I peek into his bedroom. He’s still staring blankly at the flashing TV, just as he was this morning. I decide to call Valentino’s house and ask his mom if I can come over again.

Val’s mom picks up on the fourth ring. “Hello?”

“Hi, this is Vienna. I just had a quick question for you.”

“Oh, Vivi—” her voice breaks, and she takes in a shuddering breath. “Val’s in the hospital.”

My stomach drops. The world is spinning. I’m in the hospital again, a tiny, limp hand clutched in mine, and I can’t do anything to save her—

“I’ll be there in five,” I whisper hoarsely.

“Vienna, do you want me to drive you? I can come—”

I hang up, running outside. I don’t bother telling Dad where I’m going.

He wouldn’t care anyways.

“What’s the patient’s name?” the nurse asks me. 

I look at my feet, attempting to not make eye contact. Her perfect lips and too-long lashes make me want to gag. “Valentino Bellanca.”

“Oh, that one.” The disdain in her voice makes me want to kill her. “Yes, he’s not allowed visitors right now. They’re doing a serious treatment for the overdose.”

“Overdose?” I murmur, but the nurse walks away. I’m left with nothing but a plastic chair and a clock to tell me the time.

Time ticks by. I still stare at Kayleigh’s texts. An hour passes. I start to scroll through them. Two hours, and tears are streaking my cheeks.

I don’t know what time it is when someone sits down next to me. I look up slowly to see Val’s mom staring down at me, eyes glimmering and teary.

“You okay, Vivi?” she whispers.

I shake my head and start to cry again, the weight of the day crashing down on me.

“Oh, Vienna…” she murmurs, pulling me into a tight hug. I sob into her soft raincoat, and we stay like that for a few moments.

“Mrs. Bellanca?” a voice interrupts.

I look up to see another nurse—not the same one as before, thank god. She’s got brown hair tied up in a ponytail, and her round glasses frame her deep brown eyes.

“Is Victor here?” she says, standing up and taking my hand. 

The nurse nods, looking down at us with a kindly gaze. “Right outside.”

Val’s mom leads me out of the chair and down the hall. His dad is waiting for me. He looks crestfallen, and my heart breaks into pieces even more. What if he thinks it’s my fault, what happened to Val? Do his parents think I’m a bad influence?

As I get into the car, I open up the dating advice forum I’m on. I sent a message to someone in desperate hopes of getting over Kayleigh. She finally replied and asked for a message request.

I accepted and typed out a message to the girl who messaged me, n.k.williams. 

angel.dust.vc: Hi

angel.dust.vc: I don’t know what else to rlly say to u so I’m here for u ok?

n.k.williams: thx i really appreciate it 🙂

angel.dust.vc: Just leaving the hospital

angel.dust.vc: My best friend’s sick

angel.dust.vc: And nobody will tell me what’s wrong with him

n.k.williams: wow that must rlly be terrible. im sorry

angel.dust.vc: it’s ok. what i really need rn is support

n.k.williams: well I’m here for u too if u ever need

angel.dust.vc: thanks. i gtg tho gn

n.k.williams: gnn

I switched off my phone and stared out the window. Not really any cars were around. The night sky was ink-black, with splotches of stars here and there. It was rather peaceful. Beautiful, in its own crazy way.

I try not to think about the whirlwind of the day I’ve had. First day of ninth grade, at a new school, with no classes whatsoever with Val. Then him getting sick. His parents and the nurse not telling me why. Finally connecting with someone who understands me.

“Is Val gonna be okay?” I whispered.

Mr. Bellanca didn’t respond for a few seconds. Then, he finally answered. “We don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t—”

“Vienna, the hospital is doing everything they can to make him better. But the drug has a hold of his body now. They don’t know if they can flush it out of his system.”

“What drug? What are you talking about?” I whispered, remembering the nurse’s vague words. 

“Didn’t you know?” Mr. Bellaca murmured. “We thought you knew.”

“Knew what? What is going on? Why won’t anyone tell me what’s happening to—” I said, feeling the need to cry again.

“Vi, we found drugs in Valentino’s room right after he collapsed,” Mr. Bellanca said.

No. Everything was turned upside-down, and Val’s father’s words made this all feel like it was a terrifying dream. He’s lying to me. I know he is—because Val wouldn’t do that. He’s smarter than that. Stronger.

My legs feel like jello as he pulls the car into the driveway and I step out. I know I haven’t gotten an invite inside the house, but I just can’t be here anymore. I want to dive into a black abyss of nothingness, bury myself in it, and never come out. 

I stumble into Val’s bedroom. I know it so well. I remember the year we were in third grade. We must have had over a hundred sleepovers in each other’s rooms, before Mom left me and Dad. Now, they feel like a bittersweet home I can never get back.

I fish in my pockets for my phone and my earbuds. I shuffle Melanie Martinez, and pull the old mattress I used to sleep on out of the closet. I don’t even bother to grab a blanket or pillow, I just crash.

And I never want to come back.

Not without my best friend.